Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

231 replies

KKD90 · 12/06/2025 09:33

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 15/06/2025 20:38

How much have you saved up now? I know that culturally people sometimes prefer to buy outright and borrow from family, is that the case here? I'd apply for a mortgage in principle, cut all ties including financial.

Onthemaintrunkline · 15/06/2025 20:40

You are not listening OP. 99.9% of replies to yr post have given the same answer. MOVE OUT!! Stop complaining, stop whining about ‘super expensive areas’. Either put up or…..

ThisAmpleDenimCrab · 15/06/2025 20:42

As soon as I read your context. NO! It’s not healthy to live together. Move out as soon as you can x

feelingalittlehorse · 15/06/2025 20:46

You have two options OP.

Put up with the situation as it is, and accept that no one will change.
or
Realign your goals and move out.

And that’s it. Those are your only options. No matter how nutty your in-laws are, it leaves a certain bad taste when you are complaining about them, yet continue to live under their roof.

thrive25 · 15/06/2025 20:48

Punjabi here - I moved out at 18 and went to university never returning to my parents’ home and chose not to date any men ~child~ who lived with their parents : it’s not compulsory you know

You are both in your 30s so will have a decade each if earning behind you - just move into your own place. If you want to be treated as adults, just do it

The parents/grandparents you are living with moved to the other side of the world, you & your husband should be able to move to another town surely

Hoogey · 15/06/2025 20:54

KKD90 · 12/06/2025 09:53

We both work full time, in a super high priced area (it is ridiculous!) we align with our goals to move eventually, but it could be another 5 years truthfully. This is all so painful. I look like the bad person in all of this, but truthfully the way I have been hurt isn’t important to the, nor acknowledged.

Show quote history

Leave the area!!!

sunshineonasunnyday · 15/06/2025 21:04

KKD90 · 12/06/2025 09:33

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

Move out!

That’s the only way you will save your marriage. Take it from someone that knows. Been there, done that! We lasted at my in laws for just under (a very stressful intrusive) year. (Similar background to you)

I did not care where I moved and was ready to go into a caravan! We saved like crazy and within the year, enough for a deposit by living frugally. Bonus of that year was not paying a mortgage or rent as they would not accept it from us, so in that respect we were grateful, but they also made us feel so obliged towards them.

You have done nothing wrong, except outstay your welcome.

My mother in law and I have an amazing relationship now, because we don’t live together.

PinkPonyClubb · 15/06/2025 21:05

What you have done wrong is live there for six years. Then suggest living there for another 5?!

Absolutely crazy!

Applecrumble0110 · 15/06/2025 21:05

OP i feel like if someone isn't south Asian they won't understand the dynamics. Your MIL is defo just testing how far she can go without your H defending you!!!!! Ask yourself how much you love him? And if he will ever move out for you. Cos sometimes they don't want to move out, they're emotionally blackmailed or brainwashed to believe they have to stay with mummy no matter what!!!! Ask him if youre ever getting your own place. Also the baby thing gets on my nerves too... they think their sons children are their bloodline amd theirs to raise and the mother was just the oven. Good luck !

Sunshineandoranges · 15/06/2025 21:09

Surely buying in a cheaper area would give you both a proper home for you and your husband and some distance from your in laws.

Imisscoffee2021 · 15/06/2025 21:10

I live in an incredibly high cost of living area and would rather rent at the cost of not buying for another 5 years, but live independently with my husband, than live in the situation you're in. Life is far too short for this.

Also if you wait another 5 years for finances to be just right, then you're either wishing away your fertile years as I see you want a child, or you bring a chd into that dysfunctional household and leaving will be ten x harder.

Just move out, honestly. It may not be the dream house you may have bigger monthly mortgage repayments, but living like this isn't worth it.

Ilikeadrink14 · 15/06/2025 21:11

HermioneWeasley · 12/06/2025 09:42

You need to move out

then you’ll know if you have a husband problem or not. You’re a partnership and you should be his priority.

your FIL is entitled to touch his penis in his own bedroom. That should not be traumatising for you.

But he left the door open! That is not on.

DraigCymraeg · 15/06/2025 21:14

I'm sorry my love but your suggestion it could be another five years is ludicrous. I get the cultural thing when sons marry and they stay at home with the new wife. But this is destroying you and your marriage.
You say it is super expensive where you live but you haven't given us a clue where, how or why.
When I was in an impossible situation I rented a room in a house of bedsits. It wasn't great but it gave me breathing space.
I think your husband has to make a choice here - his mother or his wife. Then bite the bullet.
Wishing you all the very best my love.

Neemie · 15/06/2025 21:37

It sounds like you have even more of a DH and a FIL problem. Would your life really be worse if you moved out?

DyslexicPoster · 15/06/2025 21:50

You know your mil will be bringing your kids up right? That's also the norm in Indian culture. Did your sil all move in with their mil? You can move out. It's not the easiest but you've done your time. Moved in as newly weds. Established your marriage. Settled into the family. People who stay until the pil die do actually do this of their total free will as well. Because it works and they are happy. Your not. So you don't have to. I know its hard. But life is short. The multiple sons don't all stay. The multiple dil can't all move in with the mil.

Hellohelga · 15/06/2025 21:58

You can’t live with your ILs and then criticise them the way you do. FIL drinks too much and MIL goes to A&E too much? It’s their home and their life. Don’t like it? Move out.

Trendyname · 15/06/2025 22:01

As I was reading your op, I started to sense you are from Indian culture.

You need to tell your husband that you don’t want to live with in laws anymore. 6 years is a long period. i am also Indian and Punjabi and I don’t think it’s acceptable to women in our culture as much it used to be in past.

Your MIL and PIL are both disgusting. Also, tell dh that going forward you don’t need to hear that he is exhausted if he has volunteered himself on his mother’s service.

Please make plans to move out asap. This lady will never change and will cause more problems between you two. Your husband needs to develop a backbone, his mum is manipulative.

Trendyname · 15/06/2025 22:02

Hellohelga · 15/06/2025 21:58

You can’t live with your ILs and then criticise them the way you do. FIL drinks too much and MIL goes to A&E too much? It’s their home and their life. Don’t like it? Move out.

What about FIL exposing himself?

Trendyname · 15/06/2025 22:05

KKD90 · 12/06/2025 09:57

It is a shitty cultural situation. Indian MIL’s are obsessed with their sons, they need them close to rely on because their husbands are even shittier. What a really fucked up situation to be in!

Show quote history

But not all Indian couples live with husband’s parents. So you need to decide what is more important. A good area or respectful living?

MintChocCat · 15/06/2025 22:07

I’m finding this thread a bit boring now. OP isn’t listening to suggestions, and will not move out - just wants an opportunity to moan about the in-laws.

holamuchgusto · 15/06/2025 22:14

I think you have to move out for the sake of your marriage, as this situation is intolerable.
You say it's a high priced area, look somewhere else or rent. Is your entire marriage worth risking for staying in that house another 5 years.... Like wow!

Silvertulips · 15/06/2025 22:44

Think of your freedom, it’s worth the cost surely?

BugBugTheTornado · 15/06/2025 23:10

How much have you got saved for a deposit, OP? Or are you planning to stay until you can buy outright? Because hate to tell you (and I live in prime commuter belt so understand the £££ issue) buying outright is unrealistic, so just get a decent deposit under your belts and go.

if you’ve been there six years, and have good jobs, even at £500 a month each saved, by my maths that’s £72k you should have between you… get yourself a bloody house!

SheridansPortSalut · 15/06/2025 23:18

You lost me at "my husband and I live with his parents".

Judecb · 16/06/2025 06:31

You and your husband need to decide if you want to remain married. If the answer is yes, you need to get very far away from your MIL and your husband needs to acknowledge what a destructive person she is. Good luck.