I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

You seem accepting of spending another 5 years there so it is hard to have any sympathy for you. Move to a cheaper area.

You have the ability to change your plans. There are plenty of Indian families who don't live together like this, and for two adults to have made it their plan to live with their ILs for ELEVEN YEARS before getting their own place is insane. Grow up and move to a more affordable area like everyone else has managed to. If your DH won't do that, you know it's not going to work. Whatever flaws your ILs have, it's their house and they can drink, sleep with their penis in their hand, and do any number of other adult things without consulting you. If you want the same freedoms, move out into your own home and be traumatised no more.

Life is very short. Don’t waste it in this living situation. I’m damn sure you have a fair deposit saved. Just buy something cheaper than you want, move a bit further away to a cheaper area or leave your husband.
Dont fritter your best years living like this.

I don't quite follow the original post, something about someone's hospital appointment and non issues that have been blown up. These people are housing you, you can't dictate their private business or how they use their own doors on their property.

If your husband insists on his parents housing him, he can continue to live there. You can choose if you want more from life, and live as a happy, free, independent adult.

I feel like like cultural factor is playing a major role with the house price situation a secondary issue.

you have choices here! You could move to a less expensive area, you could move overseas or you could rent. They have you shackled but it doesn’t have to be this way!

You are grown adults and free to live wherever you choose but unfortunately as you’ve said that Indian MILs rely so heavily on their sons. So there will be an element of guilt and entrapment that your husband is having to deal with.

at the end of the day it is hugely unhealthy for your relationship to share a home with your in-laws for 10 years!

you need to make a change but you need to have the courage to assert yourself and tell your husband enough and that things must change. The change being, you need to move out!

You need to move out. Even if your DH doesn't want to move with you. I know there are cultural issues in play, but why on earth would you commit to 11 years with your ILs? Move out, find shared housing, or move somewhere cheaper. Even the hassle of relocating and finding new jobs would be as nothing to the stress of living where you don't want to be.

MIL in the room

Stop using culture, religion or traditions to excuse the situation.

Move out and get on with your life. If you can’t afford to buy somewhere after 5 years of saving just rent somewhere or buy in a cheaper area or lower your expectations of what you want to buy. You don’t need to jump straight into an amazing huge family home.

The alternative is that you stay in the family home and the relationship ends up being ruined anyways.

Nothing is going to change unless you leave.

This is a ridiculous enmeshed situation. Agree with other posters - you have to move out. And if there are cultural barriers to doing that, then either you break those or you suck it up.

I also think you need to be less involved - you hate your MIL and as a result, you're making the situation even worse. Why are you even part of the discussion of a 2.5 hour drive? Why are you calling your MIL about A&E? ESPECIALLY when you weren't even there so it had zero impact on you?

And actually, antibiotics absolutely would start working within 2 days.

For heaven’s sake, OP. I know a lot of British Asians who live in multi-generational set-ups, but I don’t know anyone who’s doing it at the price of their own sanity. Move out and be poor.

@KKD90

Such a difficult situation for you given all the attendant cultural issues.

Your MiL is a lost cause, she will always impose her will upon you. If you can, "grey-rock" her, purely for your own sanity?

I think your husband must be the answer, only if you can engineer moving out and buying your own home much earlier (unless divorce is also an option)

You sound so defeated and sad.

It is no way to live your life though @KKD90

Some hard choices will have to be made, I'm sure, but I wish you all the very best and hope happiness, for you, is not too far off the horizon.

I only read the opening of your post, which is all I needed to see. The solution is to move out. If you are living in their house, you don’t get to complain.

Stand on your own feet and move out.

There will be no further issues then.

Good luck.

We sometimes trap ourselves because the route out appears to be complicated or confusing, or because we think we can deal with it or change it. Take it from me, I allowed myself to be trapped into a family with serious mental issues, personality disorders and money- i wasted 27 years trying to deal with a situation that i now see, was completely beyond my skills. I would say, start planning your route out, put things in place, start things moving, deal with the issues as they arise.
Years ago, I decided to do what we planned, regardless of the psychotic shrieking, incessant domineering abuse from MIL, it was the best decision. Then bit by bit, I made my way out. DH is still involved with her, but I'm not. Our children still see her, but I avoid her like the plague.
I do hope that you find your way out. Don't wait too long.

Others, wiser than me, have commented on why you should move out. But what struck me was that your husband was "exhausted" after a 2.5 hour drive that you thought he should share with one of his parents. A 2.5 hour drive is nothing!

Multi generational living can work but it sounds like it really isn't and your PIL sound like hard work and also disrespectful and unreasonable.

Also you have a problem that your husband does not defend you and normalises their behaviour. This will likely continue even when you get your own place. You will have to have a conversation about this with him and whether he wants to allow his parents to come between you and whether his parents will always be right in his eyes no matter how they treat you. It will be likely only worse once you have kids. Consider whether you really want to be with this man.

You have both (presumably) been brought up here so stop hiding behind ‘oh it’s cultural practices’ and simply admit that for some reason (financial?) the situation suits you.

If I have a private arrangement with my son and his partner phoned me up complaining about it I wouldn’t be too impressed.

Work out what’s your budget, get a rented place asap then work out a house buying budget. Think about moving to a cheaper area or changing jobs or both.

The way you are living is ridiculous, so easy to resolve and yet there you are, year after year. Hard to find sympathy, like a previous poster said.

I don't believe you, Op regarding having to save for another 5 years. My DD and her boyfriend both moved home 16 months ago to save to buy a flat in London. They have very ordinary jobs, only a few thousand above the national average (they are in their mid 20s). They have just had an offer accepted.

Be honest please or people won't be able to provide you with any useful advice.

If you plan to stay living there for another 5 years, how do you know in that time house prices won't have risen even more? It doesn't need to be the dream or forever home, having independence and space to enjoy being with each other also carries a high value. Are you going to put off kids for 5 years too, because I wouldn't have them while living with your in-laws!

If you're determined to stay then you have to accept its their house their rules I'm afraid.

I do appreciate there is a cultural expectation that your DH will remain close to his DM and you will join their family.

But if you are not happy with the living situation, then you (and your DH) need to do something about it.

You are 35, not 25. You seem to be infantilising your DH - a 2.5 hour drive shouldn't be exhausting for a 35 year old man. You shouldn't need to get involved in whether your DH shares the driving or whether he takes his DM to A&E.

You need to have a proper discussion with your DH and check whether you are on the same page with planning to live with your in-laws for the next 5 years or not and what boundaries would need to be in place if you are.

Op, you have choices here. I would find somewhere to rent and move out. You cannot just put up with this for 5 MORE YEARS. Your husband should be a healthy fit man, but he’s exhausted from a round trip 2.5h each way, and it must be the stress. He might not even be here in 5 years, and you will have put up with that to end up alone anyway. You cannot make his choices for him, but you can make your choices. Yes you’ll save less, that’s normal life for many.

@KKD90 suggest to your husband you either move out of in laws or you’ll stay with parents until he does. He needs to man up and put his marriage first. Are there other siblings that can help out or is he only child?

How far away are your parents? Is living temporarily with them an option to get you out the toxic environment for now? Then save get your own house?

If you have kids whilst living with your in laws it won’t get any better it’ll get worse as they’ll take out

If you continue to have these people house you, don't get involved in their personal appointments or business. I don't know any appointment or medication etc. any of my relatives have.
There's no discussion needed for other people's transport arrangements. If my husband was going to do a 2 hour drive all I would say is 'bye' as he leaves.

You're working yourself up over stuff that's inconsequential. Just let the people go about their lives and focus on what you want from life.

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

You have a DH problem. He should have your back when someone behaves unacceptably towards you, even when it's his much-loved mum.

Aside from that, is it really worth living with the in-laws for years in order to buy a home in such an expensive area? Unless you progress to fairly senior roles, your lifestyle might never be sustainable. I would rather move to a cheaper area, even if it meant changing my career.

Is 35 a typo for 25? You sound very young. Time to stand up for yourself and stand on your own feet.

You have lived with his parents for 6 years??

And plan to live there for 5 more?!

Stop free loading and get on with your life. Living with parents for a decade after marriage is insane, particularly while moaning about everything they do in their home.