I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

Are you just going to ignore everything everyone has said? If you're this solipsistic then no wonder it's infuriating to all be sharing a house getting on each other's nerves.

It sounds like you will never move out and end up caring for them both .
Your dh already seems to side with them so I bet he puts them first .

Just to note, I appreciate all the advice above. Moving out could not be more more clearer!

Also OP, I fear that if you stay put for a few more years, you'll end up as carers for MIL and FIL (whether they really need this care or not), and you and MIL will still be at loggerheads over the best interests of the wet lettuce.

I know, this is what they would like. It scares me so much. I feel really torn, if my husband does not to move, this will go nowhere and I’ll end up leaving for good.

@KKD90 youre right - they don’t care about you. They care about themselves and their son, your dh. So - what are you going to do about it? You have three options.
• stay where you are, have a baby and go insane with MIL interference and your dh inaction.
• get him to move out out with you to a cheaper apartment for the two of you
• move home
• move out and live on your own, accepting that your marriage is over. Might make make your enmeshed husband think twice - but that’s a chance you’d have to take.
If you stay there for the next 5 years you’ll continue to be miserable, and end up really resenting your mil and dh. If you have a baby and go on mat leave, you’ll be at ‘home’ in your inkaws house with mil interfering in EVERYTHING you do with baby. And you know your dh will say and do nothing - this is his normal.
Your choice - you’re an adult and this is YOUR life.

If your husband doesn’t want to leave, he obviously doesn’t value the marriage the same way you do.

Leave him to live with mummy and move on and find someone who is grown enough to live out of their childhood home.

Either way, you’re not happy and something needs to change.

You’d be out of your fucking mind to have a baby in such an enmeshed family. It will make every single anxiety you experience now ten times worse.

Ok the cultural issue is (nearly) insurmountable) but here is the thing: if you don’t break the chain of traumatic enmeshment your iwn lovely, organic, relationship with your dh will diminish and degrade and in the end you, too, will have nothing but an unhealthy relationship with your future son to sustain you.

So you have to figure out a way out.

Antibiotics can work quickly.However, that's a side issue. The main problem is living with your in-laws. You need to work towards moving out. You lives are simply too intertwined and I doubt this will change while you are living with them.

Did you expect to live with your MIL? Is that what your mum did? It's difficult for people to comment because of the cultural expectations here which won't align with all posters (me included). I'm white British and so it's easy for me to say move out, you are a grown woman with a job and there is bound to be a house in your area you can afford to get on the housing ladder even if it isn't what you would really want initially. But this is reflecting how I grew up and not your experience. Are you worried your DH will not move if you give him an ultimatum? I work with a lot of people of Indian heritage and it's becoming increasingly common for colleagues to not live in multi-generational homes but my goodness it causes ructions for the first people in the family to say they are not doing it. Good luck.

You have been given plenty of sensible advice from posters. I have never lived with parents or inlaws, nor have any of my children been in this type of situation.

But I would say - it’s their house, not yours. Be grateful that they have allowed you to live with them in order to save. Move out if you aren’t happy, and for goodness sake, don’t peer into their bedroom!!

You're being ridiculous. Your MiL is controlling, so move out. It's been 6 years! However expensive your area is, flat share or move out of area and commute like most people do.
Culture is not excuse.
If you're choosing to live in her house, you put up with her crap behaviour.

You seem to forget that you are living in your in-laws' house. Their house, not yours. You've no right to expect them to live as you'd like them to. You seem to see it as some sort of communal house where you should all be equals. You and your husband are guests.

If you can't afford to live with your husband in your own place, you need to move on your own back to your parents.

I'm not from your culture so can't really understand the full extent of your issue but have experience with enmeshment and parent/pil issues. I do think you really need to prioritise moving out for all your sakes, especially your mental health and your marriage. Your PILs will only become increasingly dependent on you and your husband and will stop doing anything for themselves- this is not in their best interests! Sell it to your Husband like that if needs be. Surely you have saved enough by now to buy a small flat or even rent it?? It doesn't have to be your forever home. Most people start off in a flat, even a one bed is fine with a baby who can be in with you for at least a year or more. You're 35 so with kindness if you want to start a family you need to be planning that ASAP.

Yes your Husband sounds enmeshed and you could do some reading on this (together if he will) but ultimately you need to decide if you can live with it. It's possible that he'll have an epiphany and distance himself but unlikely without some serious work in therapy.

I’d rather move to a cheaper are, seriously. Is this not possible for you?

what jobs do you and dh do? Move out!!

if my husband does not to move, this will go nowhere and I’ll end up leaving for good

I suspect you know in your heart that your husband won't want to move out, and that the "extra 5 years" is just a way of putting it off, but if this is the case wouldn't it be better to face it now?

Clearly you're not happy and clearly your MIL isn't going to change, so I'd say a proper discussion with your husband is needed and then a firm decision on what to do

Keen to know what your budget is for your first house

*area

Could people who are unable to grasp the cultural issues refrain from posting stupid things like “duh…just move?” Its not helpful. OP has to figure out the way to cut the Gordian Knot. She has to do it by either figuring out a way that is culturally approved or potentially she has to leave her husband and lose a marriage she values. And that can have difficult consequences all on its own.

OP this is a battle you can't win. You're not only up against three individuals but against the weight of a centuries old culture. You recognise that, but sadly you have to accept that you alone can't change it. Your DH, MIL and FIL are all captured by it.

So the only way for this not to affect you is to leave it. Your DH isn't on your side so you have no chance. I know culturally it's not easy but you need to get out.

@pikkumyy77 100% agree. Indian myself and unfortunately westerners just simply don’t understand our cultures and responsibilities etc just the way it is

It's a shit situation but after 6 years you have to take some responsibility for doing zero about it - like moving out.

You won't win this and you're wasting your life.

Do people really say it like that though? Or is it hyperbole on your part?