I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

I have no sympathy for you.

MOVE OUT...problem solved.

Move out. You can't wait five years to have a baby and having a baby in their house would be intolerable. So your plan needs to be reassessed. You may need to live in a cheaper area which would also be a blessing if it means not being close to in-laws. Stop expecting them to fit themselves around you when they are in their home. Stand on your own two feet and assert yourself by just moving out. It will only get far far worse otherwise. You just don't need all this nonsense in your life - you are a grown up so be independent.

You’re coming off as entitled brat.

Living with your in-laws has enabled your to save lots of money and probably live a flash life style that you couldn’t do if you moved out.

Your getting a massive financial gain by living with them.
but you sacrificed your sanity for the financial gain

Either move out and deal with a less flash life style or eat some humble pie and be a good little Indian wife/DIL

(oh and I’m Punjabi too so not racist)

Putting the cultural situation to one side, your problem is your husband. He doesn't support you:

"My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people."

He isn't going to have your back and so things are unlikely to change unless you move out. Even then things probably won't change for long. Things will only get worse once you have a child and I'd bet money that he will continue to back his mother over you.

Give over! 11 years to move out, what are you saving for...Buckingham palace?
Don't be ridiculous.

You can’t change other people. You can only make choices from those available to you. These seem to be:

1. You and your husband agree to move out.
2. You and your husband agree to stay
3. You and your husband do not reach agreement and you divorce.

Cut your cloth and all that. You obviously can´t afford what you want, get what you can afford and start from there. Living for appearances has this price tag.

“my husband and I live with his parents”

And nothing is going to change for as long as this is the case. You say of your MIL, “ her nose is in every conversation, she asks questions that do not concern her” - of course she does, because you are in her house. You need privacy, and you’ll only get it by moving out. If you have any hope of having a family of your own, YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT. For as long as you are with your in-laws, they’ll treat you and your DH like children; they won’t respect you as their adult equals, and you’ll have to dance to their tune because it’s their house. In your position, OP, I’d be looking for somewhere to rent if I couldn’t afford to buy. Your current situation is unsustainable.

But it’s his house op.

I doubt this was on purpose ie; he opened the door then lay down and grabbed it and lay in wait for you to walk past. He’s gone to sleep in his own home and got into that position in the night. I don’t like sleeping with my bedroom door closed as I prefer to have that open for airflow than an open window.

Respectfully, you and your DH are in their space: that’s the issue here.

Five more years is far too long to plan on. They are being saintly to have you for six.

You will have to settle on a less expensive area.

This made me laugh 😂

Move to a less super high priced area and commute. That will take up more of your time so you can avoid DzmIl more

As for DFIL drinking -only DFIL can fix that - living with a drunk? You’re mad.

Move out, be independant adults.

I couldn’t agree more. The OP is giving every excuse not to put her big girls knickers on.

OP. All the red flags have been hoisted but you’re ignoring them. I don’t believe you will ever leave and when you do have children they won’t be yours.
All that together with the fact that you were chosen by the in-laws to be their carer.

But it cracked when my FIL became a liability the house and she continued enabling

It's THEIR house, what's the point sticking your nose in where it's not wanted? And there's no point advocating for your husband either as he sides with them and does whatever they say anyway so you just look like a mad woman.

You need to move out to your own place if you want to live your own lives, and stop sponging off mum and dad.

Her questions, how long ?are you staying overnight ? etc are normal questions from someone in whose house you are staying. I lived with my in-laws 10 years full time and part time another 10. I loathed them and they hated me, too, but I did produce the grandchildren and do the work that kept them.
Some things which would not bother under other circumstances, like living separately, become very important and annoying. Questions like those. You need to accept they want to know if they have their house to themselves for a short time or a longer time. Even friends ask such questions, taking an interest is what it’s called, normally.

You did nothing wrong except speak a little cheekily, which only works if you have a good relationship, and the other wrong thing was to marry into the culture, which you know is like this.

If your husband won’t speak for himself, that’s up to him. He is not your child. If he has no problem with helping his mother, or no backbone to stand up to her, that’s on him. Come between a mother and her son at your peril. Both will resent you. Even if your intentions are good.

So choose a cheaper area to live in?

You are too afraid to make the decision to move out OP.

This is on you, not your in laws.

Perhaps it's time to change the goals and move to another area?

That's a huge chunk of your life- life is for living properly now, not waiting until then, surely? I'd much much rather rent and enjoy the next 5 years than go through this stress!

If you can’t afford to live in the super high priced area, move to a cheaper area and get your own place?

You and your husband made a mistake. You moved in with them in order to save up for a house in a very pricey area

It may be a mistake in light of how things have turned out, @PointsSouth, but I do wonder - at least on the DH's part - whether there was ever any intention to move out or if "saving for our own place" was just a gambit to persuade OP to accpt the arrangement?

I've seen it happen too often when someone marries a man who appears to be westernised then reverts to a rather different stance once wed, but it doesn't change the fact that a proper discussion's needed here

my ex landlady is Punjabi also with an alcoholic husband. This was distressing for her and the kids. He missed his old military life in India.

She couldnt stop him drinking but managed to compromise - he’d only start drinking after dinner and alone in his study. He was responsible for putting dirty glasses in the dishwasher and empty bottles in the bin. It is his room and his responsibility.

not perfect but the rest of the house space was alcohol free and had better atmosphere.

however, this doesn’t help you. You may have children shortly and it will be harder to leave. Can you lower your expectations in terms of house and area? Your DH looks too comfortable there. Imagine if you moved out having had children, would he be able to deal with the extra childcare which your ILS would probably do?

it’s a hard one. Me/DS live with my mother and she’s elderly and increasingly needs help so there’s a good reason. She also coparented with me and DS appreciates that.far from perfect but it suited us - probably won’t suit you with them (we all prefer our own families!).

I’d get out sooner rather than later so can reset boundaries.

I see absolutely no reason why it should take 11 years of saving to be able to move out. Living long term with in laws, in your 30's, no wonder you're stressed. That would be tough even if they were the nicest people on earth.

If you think you can't move out, either you're frittering all your money or you need to adjust your expectations. Even if you're in London, you could get a nice flat or small house in an outer zone for around £300k: surely you can manage that with 2 full time jobs and 6 years worth of savings?

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

Can your DH who is presumably a grown man not tell his mum he is tired and ask his dad to take her? Wasn’t your place to get involved in this situation.

I think this is the crux of the matter. The financial benefits. You can’t have it both ways, you have to choose your priorities.