I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

This is an argument in favour of not living with your in-laws. Not easy, but very very simple.

If you both have 'good' jobs, that's very subjective of course, but let's say on the lower end, you both have been making 30k for the last 5 years. That's 300,000 between you. Even if you are paying your in laws some rent, and commute costs, and you got married in that time, and you've actually had a nice social life, you should still have close to a 100k for a deposit??? Unless you are paying a crazy rent to your in laws?

This was what I was going to say.
OP it sounds like you are just as controlling as his mother

He should shut the door when there’s other people in the house. If you lived with your in-laws you wouldn’t sit in your room with the door open with your hand inside your knickers would you?

Respectfully, your husbands a wet lettuce and your MIL is expecting too much. Even if you left, Mummy would expect DH to jump each time she needed him and he would be there without question. Imagine if you had your own house/kids etc. the resentment.

isnt it Indian families where the MIL moves in with DS and you basically look after her? Is that really what you want? I guess either DH steps up and says no or divorce him and live a happy single life! ☮️ ✌️

OP, antibiotics can begin to work within hours. I’ve had relief from them within 2 hours before with a dental abscess

Yes of course they can.

This.

Priorities OP! Move out and live your own lives. Find something you can afford even if it's a one bed flat. If you spend another 5 years living there (which you mention is likely) you won't have a marriage left.

Yup this.

what you have done wrong is live with your in laws? whats the reason behind living with them? did you live with them prior to getting married, or did you have a home and then for whatever reason moved in with the inlaws?

another 5 years to move out? don't be ridiculous! if you can't buy, then rent! you have already said you and your partner have high end jobs?

i suspect there's some more to this story.

You and your husband need to weigh up, in your minds what is the more intolerable state of affairs.

1. Living with people who already do your head in, for another 5 years, or,
2. Letting your mil sulk and whinge about it.

You have to start living for yourselves. I’d be making plans to find a place. You don’t have to live in the very expensive area. You cut the suit according to the cloth.

You can do it, @KKD90. Be brave.

Finally, it is called consideration. I am not asking for anything else!

Realign your goals to what you can afford now grow up and move out. You're planning to be living with your in laws at close to 40? That's not adulthood.

Well you are actually- and that’s really the issue: you’re asking for a roof over your head in a house that runs the way you want it to.

I think this is a case of beggars can’t be choosers.

If I were you, I’d take my own home over being a permanent guest, even if it has to be more modest than you plan.

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

I think anyone could have guessed what the problem was going to be!

You've chosen to live there for 6 years!

How much money have you got saved?

Use it and go and rent/buy yourself somewhere to live like grown ups.

If you don't want to because you need 5 more years of being supported by his mummy and daddy to reach your arbitrary 'life goals', then that's your choice but you will have to poke up with the actual owners of the house doing their own thing sometimes.

OP refuses to share how much they have saved for a deposit so far or what their budget is. I think OP is simply looking for sympathy while they continue to live in PIL’s home at their own choice.

Absolutely move home if you can.
You have done 6 years with his parents.
Unbelievable.
I certainly wouldn't be bringing any child into that toxic house.

Tell your husband it is now on him to make this marriage work.
Better no marriage than this anyday.

OP refuses to share how much they have saved for a deposit so far or what their budget is. I think OP is simply looking for sympathy while they continue to live in PIL’s home at their own choice.

Seems so. It's all very convenient living rent free/cheaply, isn't it, till the person whose actual house it is, does things in a different way!

Planning on living with your ILs for another 5 years, at your/their age, means you realistically will never move out.
The older they get the more reliant they will be on you. It will be so difficult to move out after so many years and possibly at the time your aging inlaws might need more support. And you will be the default support.
Also, I understand you will probably have children before you leave. Let alone balancing a possible interference in your new little family life, you will find even more difficult to move out with children in tow.
If you both work, just move out and get what you can afford. You will be able to buy/move up the property ladder later. But you will save your marriage and mental health.

Move out. That's it really

You & your husband are adults, you both work full time.
You have lots of choices about where & how you live.
Talk to each other...
Make a choice you are both happy with rather than waiting 5 years to buy a more expensive property whilst living in an unhappy household.

Actually you are. You and DH have hugely subsidized living costs. That's the price you pay, living with a set of deeply inconsiderate, unpleasant in-laws.

Such a lot of drama - a 2.5 hour journey should not result in your husband being so exhausted he needs to rest the next day. Why are you still living with your in laws after all this time? You need to speak to your husband and get him to man up - until then, I would continue to stay with your family.

To be fair, she is probably annoyed that you went to your parents' home instead of going to the family gathering.
You then called her andtold her she didn't need medical treatment for her abscess and my implied she was taking advantage of her own son. She was not 'fobbed off' she was given the appropriate treatment for an urgent condition . Maybe your FIL couldn't take her because he'd been drinking (also none of your business).
FIL Touching his penis while sleeps in his own bed in his own room in his own house is OK. Yes maybe he should have closed the door, but maybe you shouldn't have been looking in.
You inlaws are doing you a big favour here op, and I think you need to remember and respect that. I do think it is time for you and your dh to move out and stand on your own two (well four actually) feet!