I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

This whole situation is ridiculous - you are overreacting to what your MIL said; your MIL is also overreacting to your suggestion; your DH is overreacting for being so exhausted from a 2.5hour drive and having work the next day. The whole thing sounds like a storm in a teacup.

At 35 however, you are not a “young couple”. 25, maybe. You need to move out and accept that the place you move to might not be a 4 bedroom detached house - it might be a 2 bedroom flat.

If you share where you live and what your earnings are and how much deposit you have (I would expect you to have AT LEAST £60k) I’m sure people on here would be able to help you?

Coming from a similar culture, I fully understand the “requirements” to live with and look after the elders. However, you are not in India and your life doesn’t have to be what it is. You have choices here and yes they might be painful and difficult, but you have them. Take advantage of them. Only you can make your life better. Stay as you are and you have 30-40 more years of this and all for the inheritance, the financial comfort and for “what is expected and what will people say”. Take control of your life or you will be coming back here with more ridiculous examples of your daily life in the coming years and things will only get more enmeshed when you have babies. It’s all up to you.

if they wait an extra 5 years they might find themselves having missed the boat to have children - the OP might not want children but I would suggest there is a cultural expectation to do so based on what she has said, so what’s the plan there?

Plenty of people from the Indian culture have moved out and had their own families… 5 years is too long. 11 years is madness.

Yup. anyone feel up to writing the MIL version of the story?

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It’s part of Indian culture to live with your husbands parents! This is the way their society functions (grandparents (60s-80s) taken care of by parents (30s-50s) and in return, grandparents help out with young children (0-18))

Your MIL is enabling your FIL. And your DH is enabling his mother. And it sounds like you are not starting to enable DH. This is not a healthy dynamic and you are allowing yourself to get dragged into it.

I also lived in a very expensive area when I first got married (still do). However, I have never in my life heard of anyone who had to live with their in-laws for a fraction of the time you are describing. Even in the most expensive cities (London, NYC, LA), people are managing to live on their own, especially if both spouses work full time. You rent, or you buy something small, build equity, and trade up. You do not spend what could easily amount to 15% or more of your lifespan and pretty much 100% of your childbearing years living in a miserable situation.

Based on your description of the situation, you and DH will finally start living your lives when you are in your early 40s. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand or have sympathy.

When DH and I first got married, we also had a young baby living in one of the most expensive areas in the country. We rented for five years (various rentals, continuing to get bigger and nicer ones) and then bought a first home. By then we were also making more money. We continued to earn more and a few years later, we then sold that home, and now live in our dream home. You don't buy the dream house straight out of the gate. And you don't put your life on hold for 11 years to get it either.

Move out asap.
you are being considered as home helps at the moment. 5 more years and they will expect you to be carers.

You and your husband made a mistake. You moved in with them in order to save up for a house in a very pricey area.

You can correct that mistake. You lower your sights a bit, and buy in a less expensive area. You can do that.

If you don't, it's because you'd rather live unhappily with your in-laws than live happily in a house that doesn't meet your expectations.

...and if that's the choice you make, you can't complain about the situation. It's of your own-making, and it's avoidable.

You must do that, KK. Thank goodness you haven't yet had a child, that would complicate matters but, as it is, you can shake the dust off your feet and leave. You have a good job, the world is your oyster. Better things are ahead.

Good luck.

Refreshing to see a more balanced post which isn't "just leave" or "it's just how how it is", and this from another MNer who understands the culture

All some of us have said is to face the reality of this now and choose accordingly, but I do agree @YouMustBeTheWeasleys that another 5 years could well impact OP's fertility
Unless as you say she perhaps doesn't want children, in which case she could find herself cast aside and her problems around living with the inlaws solved, with the DH encouraged to find "a wife who can give him a son" - and never mind the fact that it's the father who determines a baby's sex

You are choosing to live with these people for 11 years till you are 40?!

Your husband seems to be a wet lettuce and you are wasting your life.

Seems to me moving out would solve all these problems. Move to a cheaper area if you can’t afford where you are. 6yrs is a long time!

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

This is crazy. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive 🙄
I can't believe you rang her like that and I can see why you clash. Seems your DH has married a version of his mother 😂

It is your choice to live with your ILs and if it is no longer working for you, you need to be an adult and leave.

If you can’t afford to live in that area go somewhere else? How does the rest of the world cope with being priced out of where they want to live

Just move out, I’m Punjabi, I wouldn’t ever live with my in-laws and they are nice people. Rent somewhere cheap.

You can’t change your in-laws’ behaviour. It’s irrelevant how many of us agree or disagree that it’s disrespectful-it isn’t going to change.

Your husband’s behaviour will reflect the family dynamics he has grown up with. He isn’t going to upset the apple cart while living in his parents’ home.

So the only way to make a change is for you to move out. You can come up with all the excuses in the world, and tell us that you don’t want to hear it, but nothing will change until you and your husband start living as independent adults.

I understand that there is a cultural expectation to live with your in laws but I know several Indian families that haven’t followed this tradition (and they’re much happier because of it!). Are there any areas within 5 or 10 miles that are cheaper? If so, this would be your perfect excuse to buy somewhere that is affordable.

You do have more choices available than you think.

Grow up and move out. It’s a ridiculous living situation.

You are adults in your mid 30s. Regardless of cultural norms, you live in the UK where it is perfectly possible to stand on your own two feet.

My opposite neighbours are Indian. They have a son and daughter in their thirties. They are both married. Both children have been helped to buy a property and to live independently. As a family they help their dd out with childcare. They are very family orientated but having been here and having worked here for all their lives they are in tune with the culture they live in.

I am older than your MIL. I still work full-time. A 2.5 hour drive is nothing. It shouldn't even be up for debate.

I think you and your husband need to grow up and claim your independence which also includes paying your own bills, cooking your own dinner, and looking after your own children.

I think it's inevitable if you've got two fully grown adult couples living in a house together that there's going to be conflict. You are 35 and surely you're not really planning on not getting your own place until you are 40? I know that Indian culture is much more familial-based, but even so, that does sound nuts. The apron strings need cutting before you become parents yourselves.

If you live somewhere expensive where you can't afford to buy a house, move to somewhere less expensive where you can. It's what most people have to do! Otherwise you and your MIL will be at each other's throats for the next five years.

I think falling asleep with your knob out and the door open, if you don't live alone, is a bit grim tbh though.

Are you serious? It’s as clear as day that you need to move out and as quickly as possible. Even if you all live in Mayfair, 2 grown healthy adults in work can afford their own place. 6 YEARS you’ve had to move out, what the hell are you still there for?

If your DH won’t go, go without him.

If you decide to stay accept this is your life and think of techniques to deal with it without getting involved in your DH’s family relationships.

Why can’t you move out??

Your playing the victim and enjoying the drama far to much…

and yes I understand the culture…

grow up

Move out or deal with it. Those are your options. How the latter is even being considered I’ve got no idea.