I think my MIL is ruining my marriage - appreciate all the advice here! 😔

[KKD90]

Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️

For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.

My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.

Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.

The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.

I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’

I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.

I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.

I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?

Someone help me - what have I done wrong?

I presume you are both working full time?
Six months to a year living with the in laws to save for a deposit, fair enough?
But six YEARS?!
You and your DH need to move out.
A double room in a house share if need be.

I think I once stayed wuth my PILs for a week. We got on fine normally but by the end my dh and my PIL had a stand up row. We left. All was fine after that.

I know we're talking cultural difference here but in my culture it is abnormal to live with your parents. You move out and have a separate household, close by but your own. That's why British marriage ages are so high, back to medieval times - couples saved up until they could make a new household. So from my culture I'd just say move out.

Tbh someone sleeping with their hand on their genitals is not odd, though I get the door open thing.

And yes you sounded rude to your MIL.You're living in her house so I'd apologise to keep the peace, then make plan to get away.

You need to move out

then you’ll know if you have a husband problem or not. You’re a partnership and you should be his priority.

your FIL is entitled to touch his penis in his own bedroom. That should not be traumatising for you.

I don’t think your MIL is necessarily a problem. If she was rude to you then she needs to be called out on that and apologise. But it sounds like she was annoyed that you said your DH shouldn’t have taken her to A&E and in fairness if he was happy to take her that was up to him as an adult to make that choice.

I think the issue is you and your husband need to live on your own place.

You need to move out Op.

You may think you are trapped but you can get out.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The mistake made here was you marrying into this dysfunctional family.
Your FIL is a drunkard, his wife enables him to everyone's detriment including her own and her son your H acts as a recycled teen who cannot stand up for himself in their presence. He is far more afraid of his mother than he ever is of you and he still seeks her approval even now. He cannot and will not stand up for you when his mother insults you. And why are you looking out for him; he is not a child. You need to get away from all of them and permanently.

Do your parents really know what they are like; would they support you in leaving?. I would certainly not bring a child into this particular situation under any circumstances.

We both work full time, in a super high priced area (it is ridiculous!) we align with our goals to move eventually, but it could be another 5 years truthfully. This is all so painful. I look like the bad person in all of this, but truthfully the way I have been hurt isn’t important to the, nor acknowledged.

It isn’t odd, you are correct. But where is the respect for me? He should be closing his door, nobody needs to see penis, respectfully.

We both work full time, in a super high priced area (it is ridiculous!) we align with our goals to move eventually, but it could be another 5 years truthfully. This is all so painful. I look like the bad person in all of this, but truthfully the way I have been hurt isn’t important to the, nor acknowledged.

Why are you, both grown adults with full time jobs, living at your in laws still?
you need to move out, its been six years. Time to cut the apron strings.

another five years to move out? Seriously op, grow up and move out.

I would not stay another 5 days, let alone a potential five years, in such an environment. Your MH in particular will take a huge battering.

What on earth? Move out

It is a shitty cultural situation. Indian MIL’s are obsessed with their sons, they need them close to rely on because their husbands are even shittier. What a really fucked up situation to be in!

You live in ther house, you either accept it or move out and if that doesn't 'align with your goals' it's a bit tough really.

Also a 2.5 hour isnt a long one that needs to be shared surely? I think get house hunting asap

As I mentioned above - it is a shitty cultural situation. Indian MIL’s are obsessed with their sons, they need them close to rely on because their husbands are even shittier. It is such a shame, without my in laws we are such a strong team.

You are over analysing this. You are two grown ups with good jobs, move out. Life goals are beautiful if you are in an ideal situation, you are far from an ideal situation and you are intellectualising your problems rather than face them.

Your problem is your inability to hold your DH to a reasonable standard of behaviour with respect to you. Your DH's problem is his inability to hold reasonable boundaries with his family.

I have equally dysfunctional in-laws, I stopped trying to be the good guy in the family a long time ago. Dysfunctional families try to get the most functional members to hold the ship steady while the dysfunctional members perpetuate the dysfunction. You can keep doing it or you can start with your own boundaries.

Sharing the drive because all they do is expect and strain my husband, they are not even old! He does not speak up. It is a tough situation all round. Ontop of them aging themselves 10 years + in their 50’s.

FML

I couldn’t manage 6 weeks living with my ILs never mind 6 years! It sounds like a case of their house, their rules. Trying to raise issues is causing arguments and not creating change. Can you house share? Or would you relocate?

Move to a lower priced area. Find new jobs.

Do whatever is needed to get away from the ILs.

I'd have already have found a flat and packed. Show your dh that it can be done. Refuse to spend another month there.

Another FIVE YEARS - what are you thinking? Why waste a tenth of your life living in purgatory. Take your savings and rent somewhere.

I get this and the cultural aspect. I really do.

Unfortunately some of this wouldn’t have been new to you when you moved in. I can’t think of anyone I know from this community (5+) that don’t have exactly the same issues. Exactly. The problem is you are in their house. Their house their rules. But while culturally it’s expected to initially live with parents it isn’t necessary in the longer term. Everyone of those people who have moved out feel infinitely better. You need to find a way to move out and live your own lives. Move to a less expensive area, change jobs etc.

This isn’t gong to get better . You need to change the circumstances.

"It is a shitty cultural situation. Indian MIL’s are obsessed with their sons, they need them close to rely on because their husbands are even shittier. What a really fucked up situation to be in!"

It is also fucked up because of your FILs alcoholism which his wife enables.
Emotionally dysfunctional families exist in all cultures and creeds; what you are describing re them is not cultural.

You have a choice and ultimately you do not have to remain in such an environment. Your H does not seem all that bothered about you either and acts like some sullen teen towards you mainly because his mother has emasculated him.

We live in London and bought a house in London whilst renting and it took us less time than you to save a deposit of £30k. Respectfully, if you think it takes 11yrs to save up a deposit whilst living at home, you need to either reevaluate what you are spending your money on, the type of house you want to buy, the value of house or the area. Time and again there are threads on MN about people who cant afford to buy in London, when really what they mean is that they cant afford to buy in the specific area with the specific budget they want. Talk to someone like L&C, who are free, about your current savings, what size mortgage you could borrow and then consider looking in cheaper areas or buying a 2bed flat instead of a 4bed house for example. For the sake of your marriage, you both need to get out of your ILs house and into your own space before it breeds more resentment than it is already doing.

You’re blaming your in-laws. Why? Your dh is as much to blame. In part so are you for accepting the situation and claiming you still
need another five years there because where you live is so expensive. You don’t. You work. You must have saved enough for one months rent in the last six years, and a month advance rent. Even in central London that’s £3000 for a one bed. Don’t tell me in five years you don’t even have that?

Why 5 years more ?
buy somewhere cheaper

save harder
get better jobs anything but sit and moan

id live in a crap bedsit rather than put up with this crap