Hi all - I am sorry this is a long one. I am just drained and exhausted. I would appreciate some wise advice 😔❤️
For context - my husband and I live with his parents, it’s been around 6 years, just before Covid got married and we live in a high priced area.
My MIL enables my FIL’s drinking so much, that I now stay out of it because I don’t care about either of them (respectfully, they haven’t thought about the effect it will have on me) but what that does is strain my husband, for the smallest things MIL needs, she cannot work out anything alone. Every issue becomes his. Bearing in mind my in-laws are 55/57, my own parents are in their 60’s and super active, handle their own issues unless me and my sisters needs to step in.
Last week I went to visit my parents because my sister is getting married and I wanted to be part of the preparations. My husband’s side had a function that I couldn’t attend. It was a two and half hour drive, I suggested to my husband that he perhaps shares the drive with either of his parents.
The following day my husband took his mum to A&E, she had developed an abscess over the week, but she also has a habit of going to A&E for absolutely everything. I spoke to my husband an hour before he decided to take her, he said he was so exhausted from the long drive the day before, so I phoned MIL and I said how are you, why are you going again? A&E fobbed her off with antibiotics and they have magically worked after two days, we all know they take time to kick in.
I suggested that perhaps my FIL take her as my husband said he is exhausted and he was heading into the office the following day. She was like ‘oh yeah maybe, I will see how late it gets.’
I returned from my parents and MIL was in a vile mood. She told me if I was her real daughter she would slap morals into it (what the actual fuck, I am 35 year old, super respectable and understandable as a person). MIL said she was hurt at the fact I suggested my FIL take her, and not her own son. She said ‘don’t you think I am worried because he has work the next day?’ I said I’m not quite sure, were you? Truthfully my mil was disgusting, my husband sat and let her talk the way she wanted.
I also realised that I may have picked up habits from my MIL. She controls her husband (who she enables to drink) she dictates every little thing he does, decides whether he goes to work etc) I don’t control my husband, our relationship was built on trust and it was so lovely and organic - but I look out for him SO much. I realise his parents are loading so much stress onto him, it is concerning as we do not have a family of our own and we are a young couple.
I am Indian/Punjabi, MIl’s are weirdly possessive over their sons. I feel extremely trapped. I came back to my parents for a break because I am so heartbroken at the disrespect from my mil, it was a mere suggestion and she has twisted it. My husband keeps telling me I am in the wrong, I have hurt people. But nobody wants to acknowledge the comments, the intrusion from my mil, my fil has a habit of keeping his door opened. I walked past once and he was asleep with his penis in his hand, I was traumatised. But my mil doesn’t know this, my husband hasn’t told her. So what about me and my feelings?
Someone help me - what have I done wrong?