Argh! DD caught me with FWB in the house

[Lionesseses]

Long story short, my DD(15) came home unexpectedly from school earlier, and arrived home to find me in the house with my ‘friend’. She knows him vaguely as he’s the dad of a school friend of hers (we’re both single parents, and that’s how we met originally).

She didn’t catch us at it, thank God. But we were both upstairs (we had just had sex, and had got dressed again). I was all easy breezy about it saying ‘Oh, Andy is here! We weren’t expecting you home!’ But I was embarrassed and massively thankful she hadn’t been ten minutes earlier!

Then he left and she was asking why he was here, are we seeing each other etc. She doesn’t know that we’ve had this arrangement for a couple of years now, completely physical, friendly on the rare occasions we see each other otherwise but with no intention of becoming a proper couple.

I don’t want to explain our relationship to her because it’s not really her business and it’s not the kind of concept I’d want her thinking of (especially not in the context of me!). Am I right to do that…?

And I worry it might have spoiled things now cos my DD will tell her mate, and it might lead to embarrassment all round. Argh! Annoying.

Any thoughts? I guess I’m hoping it blows over.

These two adults have managed to successfully keep their trysts under wraps for years. Nothing yuck about it.

The teenagers will get over being mortified by the next news cycle. Whilst theu were trying to be discreet, sex between two single adults really shouldn't traumatise well-adjusted teens as much as you think it will.

You're right. I think Earnshaw was her surname wasn't it?

Well explain why she’d had midday sex, with her daughter coming to end of GCSEs when they’re definitely not keeping to to set hours AND the school is very local

I don’t think the op wanted her dd to join fgs!

bit I do think she ran one hell of a risk. And knew it

Agreed.

You don't have to use the term 'FWB', even. You can just say 'Yes, we see each other sometimes but he's not my boyfriend and we don't even go out on dates - we're both single adults and we see other at home sometimes but that's all it is' and she'll read between the lines.

She definitely knows something's going on so I don't think you're going to get away with making up a cover story, really.

If I was fifteen and this happened with my mum, I’d honestly probably have been a bit weirded out and confused. In fact similar-ish things did actually happen when I was around that age and these things can be really difficult for kids that age to process about their own parents.
I think you know how your daughter is likely to feel and if she’s likely to feel uncomfortable, have a talk with her that puts her at ease. If she’s not likely to be bothered, just leave it and make sure you do a better job of keeping it private in future.
The grim thing about this is that you don’t seem to care at all that if she had come home a bit earlier, she could have walked in on you.

Yes, until she married Edgar Linton. Heathcliiff married EL's sister Isabella. Just thought I'd put that entirely-irrelevant-to-this-thread factoid out there. 🙂

Of course not. Better that than kids who become judgemental, sanctimonious pearl-clutchers.

You're both single consenting adults- you haven't done anything wrong, so no need for the shaming comments.

At the same time, your daughter is 15 and clearly knows something's going on- I would have at that age. You did your best but the cat is kind of out of the bag here.

If she brings it up and asks you about it, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying something along the lines of:

' So and so and I are friends and we're getting to know each other to see if we want to date. We meet up now and then but we're not a couple. I didn't say anything because I don't want people gossiping and I wanted you to be able to concentrate on your exams. I wanted to keep it private until your exams were over and/ or until I was sure things between us were more serious and you needed to know'.

I think something like that allows you to talk to her like an adult without having to address the TMI sex side of things. It won't be easy but at least she won't feel lied to and like you're treating her like a child, which is infuriating at that age!

Maybe give it a couple of days and then try to nail down her school schedule so you don't risk her wandering in again?

You’re sick!

She’s explained the situation, you can’t read it because you’re blinkered, with your judgement and sanctimony.

We are role models for our kids, didn't you know?

If the op is into casual hook ups then fine but she should do it well away from an impressionable 15yr old. Lock the doors for starters, act like a grown up.

For the people saying 'grim': going without, are we?

Your daughter will probably not believe whatever story you make up, OP, but you might both just pretend she didn't see him in your house. Plumbing is a good excuse, or whatever he's good at (I'm trying and failing to avoid innuendo here).

In the bedroom?

She's had this arrangement with the guy for two years! It's not a casual hook up.

She said it's fwb. That is indeed a casual hook up. Just keep it out of the family home.

No judgement here

go for it

but maybe take the tiniest precaution when you don’t lock doors from inside, your teen’s school is just around the corner and their doing sporadic exams!

But that doesn’t suit @Gloriia narrative does it! I mean come on, let’s not take into account the actual facts.

Not that casual sex is anything to be judged either.

Two years is some serious secrecy.

Your daughter may feel upset.

'For the people saying 'grim': going without, are we?'

Not at all. I wouldn't be doing it with any Tom Dick or Harry when a teen could easily turn up though.

I’m not sure the option would be available to you!

I think the OP's leg was getting some action too. It's unlikely after years of going this, he's the only one getting a leg over.

And it’s a two year relationship.

'Not that casual sex is anything to be judged either.'

Kids are impressionable. We're supposed to advise them and follow our own advice.

Fine if the op likes hook ups but she should keep it away from the family home, that's all.

Really? There's hope yet 🤭🤭

Stop 🛑 you’re embarrassing yourself!

For me, it's because there's too much risk of it becoming messy and causing upset amongst the children - especially when they're visiting each others homes.

As OP said, if her DD had walked in 10 minutes earlier, she'd have caught them at it.