Argh! DD caught me with FWB in the house

[Lionesseses]

Long story short, my DD(15) came home unexpectedly from school earlier, and arrived home to find me in the house with my ‘friend’. She knows him vaguely as he’s the dad of a school friend of hers (we’re both single parents, and that’s how we met originally).

She didn’t catch us at it, thank God. But we were both upstairs (we had just had sex, and had got dressed again). I was all easy breezy about it saying ‘Oh, Andy is here! We weren’t expecting you home!’ But I was embarrassed and massively thankful she hadn’t been ten minutes earlier!

Then he left and she was asking why he was here, are we seeing each other etc. She doesn’t know that we’ve had this arrangement for a couple of years now, completely physical, friendly on the rare occasions we see each other otherwise but with no intention of becoming a proper couple.

I don’t want to explain our relationship to her because it’s not really her business and it’s not the kind of concept I’d want her thinking of (especially not in the context of me!). Am I right to do that…?

And I worry it might have spoiled things now cos my DD will tell her mate, and it might lead to embarrassment all round. Argh! Annoying.

Any thoughts? I guess I’m hoping it blows over.

Not a milkman. Can confirm.

Nope. Still have to put your child into care and you into a convent after a public flogging outside the school gates. Sorry, but that is the only way.

Could burn you I suppose but then the environmental pearlclutchers will also start.

Sorry OP but had to have a good chortle at ‘clean and not on drugs’ as two of his main attributes 🤣 Glad you’ve found a decent one.
Re my previous post, you misinterpreted me. It’s not the shagging I think would be setting a bad example to your daughter it was more the bumming around the house on a work day, while she’s been working hard at school. Sounds like it’s a creative way to use up spare annual leave, good on you.

She never mentioned any bumming.

I can see why you have that arrangement. I can definitely understand the lack of headspace for anything more. It just seems it is a relationship of sorts, given you would be sad for it to end. I think what you are saying is this is all you are prepared to give. You don’t want to go out for dinner with him, or spend Christmas Eve together in the mountains or spend your birthday with him. You like the connection as it is.

I think your dd would understand that if you were to explain in those terms. If you ever choose to tell her that is. It works for you, your life.

I think I have negative associations with it, and I’m not sure why. Perhaps because it can be painted as seedy in society (the gas man analogy) maybe I personally connect it to women losing out in some way, being used/being disrespected. That doesn’t sound like your experience at all, but it doesn’t have to be like that clearly. It can bring joy and fulfilment and can be respectful by the sounds of it.

I have definitely learnt something today (as one of the grim gang!) I have changed my mind, now you have explained it.

You’d be amazed by how many fail at least one of the ‘clean and not on drugs’ tests.

It's perfectly fine to keep a FWB arrangement hidden from your child, they really don't need to know. Almost walking in on you would be just as cringe as it would be if you were with her own dad, nobody needs to see that.

She didn't, she may or may not have been aware of what you were doing. If she suspects she likely won't bring it up with you and I can't see her gossiping about it with her friends.

Having the day off to lounge around the house whilst your kids are at school is also fine, as adults we get to choose when we work and when to take days off. School is a legal requirement and was for us so kids have to go every day. When they are adults they can choose to lounge around on a weekday if they desire.

FWIW I couldn't do a FWB arrangement because for me it would end up wanting something more but if others can then great. Women have as much say as men and if that's what they want then it's their choice

Op your post explaining why you feel the way you do was great, and I asked last night and didn't get an answer why all these women who have wonderful sex with their husbands (!) begrudge you.

Its a two year consensual relationship and obviously you do care for each other while parenting your children.

How terribly ironic that the carers of society and protectors of children use terms such as wank bucket, talk about random strangers and lying on your back with the milkman, and how the fuck Muslims and the race card even feature I really don't know.

Reading some of the posts and their terminology on waking this morning has made me feel very uncomfortable....wank bucket indeed... ugh . You've lost the moral highground and the argument there with that one Sonny Jim.

Really? Because I’m the child of a mother who just moved in a partner pretty much straight away after my parents split up and I would have much preferred my mother had behaved like the OP and I would do exactly the same if I ever found myself single again

Really?? Op is.having aj appropriate FWB arrangement in her own house!!

People are entitled to have sex with who they like on their own homes.

They're not hurting anyone... Op is not bringing home randomers.

And she was being private, away from her daughter

Should she never have sex again??

Should she never have sex again??

A lot of children and teens would say no she shouldn’t. At that age I would also have thought that my mum was a selfish slut or whatever if she’d dared to have a boyfriend or FWB. That was because I was a self absorbed cow who didn’t see my mum as a person in her own right and my world revolved around me. I honestly don’t think anyone should let their children dictate their love/sex life because (with some exceptions) they do not have your happiness at the forefront of their mind. Obviously don’t move in violent criminals or anything like that but if you want a boyfriend, have one and don’t settle for crumbs because your child won’t like it. There are of course some lovely teens out there who genuinely want their parents to be happy but I sure as shit wasn’t one of them.

She should have sex again yes just lock the door and keave the key in to allow time to get clothes on if a dc come home. Not difficult is it?

She should also think how she'd feel if she came home and found a random bloke in her dd's bedroom, maybe fine but most parents would not be impressed.

As parents we should set some kind of standards. Sex and 'touching willies' <to quote the op > all lovely. Shagging dd's friends dad on a very casual basis not so much.

Have I been really thick and missed what happened when DD returned home later on that day and whether anything further was said?

Yeh so you keep saying. I think at nearly the beginning of the thread she said she's going to lock the door so all good

She's explained very clearly especially this morning how her relationship isn't actually casual but quite sweet and caring of each other so your constant undermining of it as such gets tedious.

Also just from reading the OP’s posts I do get a sense that she does like this guy, more than she is letting on. I wonder how she’d feel if he met someone and wanted a relationship with that person so just terminated the FWB arrangement. I think a lot people kid themselves that they’re happy with something really casual (because that’s all the other person is offering and they don’t really have a choice) but they feel differently when they see that person actually commit to someone and want to be with them properly.

Yes isn't a a fwb just having sex with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you? I'm not sure it's the empowering set up some on here are applauding.

It's two consensual adults having sex with each other who both agree that they don't want a relationship with each other.

It's just an assumption (as well as sexism) to think that women are the ones who always want a relationship. OP seems very happy with the setup which is all that matters.

You couch your posts carefully all through this thread, but goodness it's so obvious what you'd really like to say.

I see ya

Everything in life doesnt need to be empowering, omg.

I’ve never done FWB myself but I’ve seen countless friends have them over the years. It can go either way in terms of who gets hurt (man or woman) but pretty much every single one I have seen involved one person being more invested than the other (but not admitting they were). And in nearly every one I have seen, the person who ended up hurt had initially claimed that they felt empowered, that they were fine with casual, that it fitted with their life. Then when their FWB moved on to an actual partner they were gutted because it turned out he actually did want someone to cook dinner with, go for walks with and emotionally connect with. Just not her - she was only for having sex with.

I think it’s massively more than a “god botherer” it’s the bizarre thing that you believe a religious group that systematically abused and covered up the abuse of young children, that abused young girls that got pregnant should have any opinion on the sex lives of their “followers”. Your defence is that “they don’t all do it”. You actually backed a whole organisation that was found to be covering up the abuse by their members.

Thats way more than god bothering.

The rest I agree with, but not the male aspect.

Yes it is so obvious what I'm saying correct, when you have kids you set some kinds of standards. You show them values and how to look after yourself. If someone wants to have casual sex fine but all the 'oh op good for you! just have fun!' comments are absolutely crazy.

She could get drunk too, have threesomes every day whatever she's a consenting adult. However, when you live with kids you have to have some kind of values because we are role models, like it or not.

I have done FWB a few times, though I preferred ONS during my casual days. They were only for having sex with, as was I. Exactly the way we wanted it and no one was hurt when it came to an end.

She has standards.

Stop saying she hasn't.

You couch all this as setting standards and protecting children but it's covering up your real feelings on her behaviour.

Which you're entitled to, but doesn't make you right.