Argh! DD caught me with FWB in the house

[Lionesseses]

Long story short, my DD(15) came home unexpectedly from school earlier, and arrived home to find me in the house with my ‘friend’. She knows him vaguely as he’s the dad of a school friend of hers (we’re both single parents, and that’s how we met originally).

She didn’t catch us at it, thank God. But we were both upstairs (we had just had sex, and had got dressed again). I was all easy breezy about it saying ‘Oh, Andy is here! We weren’t expecting you home!’ But I was embarrassed and massively thankful she hadn’t been ten minutes earlier!

Then he left and she was asking why he was here, are we seeing each other etc. She doesn’t know that we’ve had this arrangement for a couple of years now, completely physical, friendly on the rare occasions we see each other otherwise but with no intention of becoming a proper couple.

I don’t want to explain our relationship to her because it’s not really her business and it’s not the kind of concept I’d want her thinking of (especially not in the context of me!). Am I right to do that…?

And I worry it might have spoiled things now cos my DD will tell her mate, and it might lead to embarrassment all round. Argh! Annoying.

Any thoughts? I guess I’m hoping it blows over.

I’ve heard it all now.

I mean I’ve heard the whole “the trust will be gone” in terms of not telling your children the truth about Father Christmas, but “mummy is desperate for a shag now and then, and so Jane’s dad comes over, we have sex, and then he goes home again.”

Yeah, that’s really going to build the trust. If anything it’s going to destroy the relationship with her mother. Leave the daughter forever wondering whether she’s going to walk in on them at any point, whether he and her are having sex while she’s at school, not to mention what that is going to do with her friendship knowing all that.

I can tell you now that if a woman posted here that her daughter had walked in on the ex and her friend’s mum and that the ex had told her friend’s mum was just someone who came round for a shag when he fancied it, there is not a chance that posters would be responding with “good for him, glad he’s getting some good sex and of course it’s the right thing to have told his daughter.” In fact posters would be urging her to cut contact if that was what the daughter wanted.

Off you pop. You'll be late for your prayer meeting.

Great post 👏

So, in conclusion if you think sex should be within a relationship:

• you're a "prude"
• "god bothering"
• "old"
• "outdated"
• must be "male"
• "doesn't enjoy sex"
• "not getting any"
• "uptight"

Well done , fantastic "progress". Isn't that what the bullies used to say to girls at high school who wouldn't "put out" quickly. Excellent society for 2025.

Why is it ok for you to be mocking about religion? Once again, would you say that to a Muslim woman ? Sikh ? I very very much doubt it.

I said it to an anonymous poster and have no idea what religion they follow, if any. Comment applies regardless.

15 year olds aren't stupid, they'll know about fwb which is perfectly fine as long as both are happy with the arrangement.

Oh do get off your high horse! There’s nothing grim about it just 2 single consenting adults having sex. Better someone she likes and respects than some dodgy FWB off OLD.

I'd urge some of the 'high school bully' types who are using put downs such as "old" "god bothering" "prude" "uptight" "stuck up" "posh" to describe women who just happen to think sex should be something more special inside a loving relationship to go over to the 'Muslim Mumsnetters ' board. There's a particular thread about oral sex on there. Have a read if you dare. And those comments are regarding it being in the confines of a marriage. And if you wouldn't comment to tell those women that they are all of the above things as you've called me and other posters, that makes you an absolute hypocrite of the highest order.

You do realise white British non religious women are allowed to have a view that sex should be within a loving relationship without being name called and put down and have crass words used against them ? And before you start with the "slut shaming" not me or one other posters has called anyone "easy" or a "slut" or any other names. The names are coming from the oh so liberal "inclusive" ones. As always, only ever works one way doesn't it? For their latest agenda.

I am not white, and also not young, and all sex for me has been within my very long marriage. Not for religious reasons. More as a way of life perhaps.

However, I don't believe that everyone has to live the way I do, especially when they are not hurting anyone. Which OP is clearly not.

lIt's possible to be non-white, and yet not ram your views down other people's throats. Just as it is possible to be white and not rush over to other boards to tell them what to do.

Hi

But if it’s loving sex then DD walking in is fine..? Or is your problem her walking in on any form of copulation? What if DD is unaware whether the sex is casual or the start of a loving relationship? Should she stop and ask??! It seems like your issue is protecting a teenager from the realities of sex. It happens. It’s nice. People can do it because they enjoy it. Women can have casual sex if they want to. It isn’t setting a bad example. It isn’t embarrassing. It’s literally part of life. It doesn’t mean DD will be scarred for life. It doesn’t mean DD will suddenly believe she should go out and have casual sex with anyone and everyone. Women are not to be shamed any more because they have sex. In the afternoon!!!!! In her own house!!!! 😮 This is perfectly acceptable and normal behaviour. OP may prefer DD to know what her mum is doing or not. And that is her choice entirely. Perhaps OP and shagger dad should have taken better precautions (check messages, lock door) if they didn’t want anyone to find out. But they haven’t done anything wrong. We really need to stop judging people, especially women, who surely have had enough judgement historically.

Did the Op ever clarify what happened when her daughter returned home later on and what the Op said?

It’s not ok to walk in on any kind of sex. In fact isn’t having sex in front of children considered to be child abuse?

There are posters here who grew up regularly seeing and hearing their parents having sex and who were traumatised by it.

But there’s a difference between a child knowing that sex is something which adults have within a loving relationship, and being told that their parents are horny and just need a shag, any shag, so friend’s dad will do.

So many replies overnight!

@Nicecoff When she came back from school at the end of the day things were totally normal and it wasn’t mentioned.

@Never2many I wasn’t ’desperate’ for anything.

I wouldn’t intentionally insult people who have a different attitude to my relationship than I do. But I really don’t think it’s harmful to anyone. I value it not just for the obvious but also because it’s just nice to have a reliable, gentle man who I can talk to. Once someone’s seen you like that I find that nothing need ever be off the table, conversation wise, and even though it’s always only pillow talk it’s just comforting as a single parent to have that. He values it too and it’s a good thing.

Obviously I don’t want anyone seeing us having sex, least of all me DD! We are always careful and in the days when her father was around we we always locked the door even though she was much younger. It was just yesterday our normal system malfunctioned slightly! She was still a long way from seeing us though.

No, not because you disagree with casual hook ups.
Because you used the phrase ‘wank bucket’.

I don’t mind a challenge but actually I’m replying just to try and explain the positives. I’m not justifying my behaviour against their standards because I think they’re wrong.

The only thing I feel bad about, having watched a programme about droughts recently, is having two showers in three hours whenever he comes over! My green credentials are shot!

Crikey! 😂 I'm not sure I can wait another 30 years... But at least my DD will have flown the nest so it'll be OK by (some) MNer standards 😜.

My questions are how is it that you have developed no feelings for each other at all in this time?

The grim element for me is the transactional coldness of the arrangement. Is he that amazing in bed? Why do you do it? For me it feels soulless without feelings or emotion. Not unlike, what I imagine, a sex worker situation.

Secondly, if you are so cool and happy with what you are doing why don’t you just tell your dd the truth?

It sounds like there IS an element of shame attached rightly or wrongly, otherwise you would tell dd quite directly. It seems you are hiding what you are doing, to me that feels dishonest, and gives it a seedy quality even if it isn’t like that at all in reality.

There isn't one, unless you are a prude (and likely not getting any!).

I don’t know for sure about him, but it’s wrong to say that we’ve developed no feelings. We’ve developed no romantic feelings. I don’t want to share lots of my spare time with one other person. I don’t want to give up my personal space. I have a busy life and don’t want to be nurturing that relationship as well as the one with my DD. I think he’s the same.
However, we have developed feelings as regards our arrangement. I would be sad for it to end, and he has said the same. We both have sexual needs which we fulfil together, in a safe and reliable way. I never have to worry about anything, and it’s lovely. He is kind, safe, clean, not on drugs, I fancy him and am familiar with his body as he is with mine, and thus it’s always fun I’m sure he values the same in me.

Maybe it is transactional in a way, but it’s not cold. We laugh a lot, it’s just lovely. I (we) do it because physical intimacy is nice. Sex is nice. It makes me feel alive and womanly, and it’s nice to be desired and to feel good and to make him feel good. Letting go like that once in a while is a joy. I definitely don’t feel like a sex worker! God… It’s nice to be kissed and to share an orgasm and to hug afterwards. It’s just a nice thing to do.

As for hiding it. Well yes, I do hide it. Not because I’m ashamed but because most people hide their sex lives. It’s a private thing. If my DD asked outright I’d tell her that, yes, her 40-something mum does have sex. But I’m not going to flaunt it.

The sixth post is someone calling the OP 'grim'? What's that, if not name calling and/or insulting?

He might be for all we know. I don't think OP has mentioned his occupation.