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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Argh! DD caught me with FWB in the house

1000 replies

Lionesseses · 09/06/2025 14:08

Long story short, my DD(15) came home unexpectedly from school earlier, and arrived home to find me in the house with my ‘friend’. She knows him vaguely as he’s the dad of a school friend of hers (we’re both single parents, and that’s how we met originally).

She didn’t catch us at it, thank God. But we were both upstairs (we had just had sex, and had got dressed again). I was all easy breezy about it saying ‘Oh, Andy is here! We weren’t expecting you home!’ But I was embarrassed and massively thankful she hadn’t been ten minutes earlier!

Then he left and she was asking why he was here, are we seeing each other etc. She doesn’t know that we’ve had this arrangement for a couple of years now, completely physical, friendly on the rare occasions we see each other otherwise but with no intention of becoming a proper couple.

I don’t want to explain our relationship to her because it’s not really her business and it’s not the kind of concept I’d want her thinking of (especially not in the context of me!). Am I right to do that…?

And I worry it might have spoiled things now cos my DD will tell her mate, and it might lead to embarrassment all round. Argh! Annoying.

Any thoughts? I guess I’m hoping it blows over.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/06/2025 22:13

I hate this euphanism FWB. Casual sex partner more like. No wonder you didn't want your DD to catch you out.

WhatdoesitmeanKeith · 09/06/2025 22:14

Flashahah · 09/06/2025 22:06

I asked you for your source, you’ve stated it as a fact, how would you know this?

or is it just a silly playground type comment that you’ve said and it’s your opinion only?

Bizarre. That’s not what the poster said at all. Nothing was stated as fact. It’s a discussion, with opinions.

Cherrytree86 · 09/06/2025 22:14

Viviennemary · 09/06/2025 22:13

I hate this euphanism FWB. Casual sex partner more like. No wonder you didn't want your DD to catch you out.

@Viviennemary

and there is nothing wrong with casual sex as we have established

WigglywagglyWanda · 09/06/2025 22:15

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:04

Barnett, M. D., Berry, K. E., Maciel, I. V., & Iii, A. D. (2017). The Primal Scene Phenomenon: Witnessing Parental Sexual Activity and Sociosexual Orientation. Sexuality & Culture, 22(1), 162-175. doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9458-2

Read it

Witnessing parental sexual activity?

Can you explain please?

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:15

Sorry, but this is why you don't have "fwb". No good ever comes from it. I have no idea how you'll explain it to your DD.

Why some men and women can't just masturbate/buy a sex toy or find a partner , I just don't know. Saves all the drama.

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:16

ClearFruit · 09/06/2025 14:35

If you wanted to avoid 'embarrassment all round', you might have thought twice about setting up a sex-only arrangement with the parent of one of your young Daughter's friends. Grim, just grim.

I completely agree with this.

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:17

WigglywagglyWanda · 09/06/2025 22:15

Witnessing parental sexual activity?

Can you explain please?

The best way would be for me to ask you to take yourself back to 15 year old you, and imagine walking in on your mum having sex with your friend’s dad.

LosingSleeping · 09/06/2025 22:17

SwimSwamSwimSwam · 09/06/2025 21:54

Most parents who have a good relationship with their teenagers can discuss safe sex and consent.

Yeah, but it usually pertains to the child's emerging sex life, not their mothers.

Honestly kids don't wanna know.

Flashahah · 09/06/2025 22:17

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:17

The best way would be for me to ask you to take yourself back to 15 year old you, and imagine walking in on your mum having sex with your friend’s dad.

Which didn’t happen 🤣🤣🤣🤣

SwimSwamSwimSwam · 09/06/2025 22:18

LosingSleeping · 09/06/2025 22:17

Yeah, but it usually pertains to the child's emerging sex life, not their mothers.

Honestly kids don't wanna know.

I'm a Mother and had the conversation. I obviously know my teenager better than you do.

Lionesseses · 09/06/2025 22:18

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:15

Sorry, but this is why you don't have "fwb". No good ever comes from it. I have no idea how you'll explain it to your DD.

Why some men and women can't just masturbate/buy a sex toy or find a partner , I just don't know. Saves all the drama.

Plenty of good comes out of it. We both have a great time every few weeks, it’s reliable intimacy and nobody gets hurt.

OP posts:
TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:19

Flashahah · 09/06/2025 22:17

Which didn’t happen 🤣🤣🤣🤣

By ten minutes. It very nearly did. My point was if this had happened it could have been very traumatic for the daughter. Right in the middle of her GCSE’s too.

It’s a pivotal time. OP needs to be much more careful.

Viviennemary · 09/06/2025 22:22

Cherrytree86 · 09/06/2025 22:14

@Viviennemary

and there is nothing wrong with casual sex as we have established

I'm sure the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah would agree with you. I hope that brings you some comfort.

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:23

Cherrytree86 · 09/06/2025 22:14

@Viviennemary

and there is nothing wrong with casual sex as we have established

There's a lot wrong with casual sex. Total deconstruction of societal values. STIs, unwanted pregnancy, abortions, increase in males viewing women as physical sexual objects (kid yourself all you like that they 'respect you' )

We go from one extreme to the other: no sex before marriage, to fuck anything you like and don't worry about being in a relationship. It's labelled as progress. Total lack of basic standards in society if you ask me.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 22:23

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:19

By ten minutes. It very nearly did. My point was if this had happened it could have been very traumatic for the daughter. Right in the middle of her GCSE’s too.

It’s a pivotal time. OP needs to be much more careful.

But it didn't so the point is irrelevant.

OP has also said that after having a giggle, she and FWB have agreed that they will be more careful.

Wadadli · 09/06/2025 22:23

“Grim”? What po faced prigs some commentators are!

Good for you on the shagging / FWB front, OP

WigglywagglyWanda · 09/06/2025 22:23

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:17

The best way would be for me to ask you to take yourself back to 15 year old you, and imagine walking in on your mum having sex with your friend’s dad.

She didn't walk in though and won't be 8n future

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:24

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 22:23

But it didn't so the point is irrelevant.

OP has also said that after having a giggle, she and FWB have agreed that they will be more careful.

I’m struggling to find a common level to converse with you and @Flashahah so I’ll just have to agree to disagree.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 22:24

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:23

There's a lot wrong with casual sex. Total deconstruction of societal values. STIs, unwanted pregnancy, abortions, increase in males viewing women as physical sexual objects (kid yourself all you like that they 'respect you' )

We go from one extreme to the other: no sex before marriage, to fuck anything you like and don't worry about being in a relationship. It's labelled as progress. Total lack of basic standards in society if you ask me.

Condoms solve most of those issues.

Why would only women be seen as physical sexual objects when men are having casual sex too?

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:25

Lionesseses · 09/06/2025 22:18

Plenty of good comes out of it. We both have a great time every few weeks, it’s reliable intimacy and nobody gets hurt.

Except your daughter... And the utter humiliation of realising her mum is on her back with a school friends dad who she's not in a relationship with. I hope that's the message you are happy with your daughter receiving about sex and relationships.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 22:26

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:25

Except your daughter... And the utter humiliation of realising her mum is on her back with a school friends dad who she's not in a relationship with. I hope that's the message you are happy with your daughter receiving about sex and relationships.

Her daughter is an excellent mind reader if she knew all of that just from seeing him in her house. She may even suspect they are in a relationship.

Either way, I'm sure she'll survive.

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:29

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/06/2025 22:24

Condoms solve most of those issues.

Why would only women be seen as physical sexual objects when men are having casual sex too?

Ok, we're doing that are we ? Ok let's pretend there's no difference between a woman and having sex and a man. 🥱

Women are inherently more vulnerable when it comes to sex. Men have very little vulnerability in that way. If you honestly think there is respect for women that have lots of casual sex with different partners, then I'm glad of your naiveté. Every standard dropped is hailed as "progress". There's no standards left in UK society. This is where religion has more respect for sex and relationships. Would do us well to get a bit of that balance back.

Flashahah · 09/06/2025 22:30

TENSsion · 09/06/2025 22:19

By ten minutes. It very nearly did. My point was if this had happened it could have been very traumatic for the daughter. Right in the middle of her GCSE’s too.

It’s a pivotal time. OP needs to be much more careful.

  1. It didn’t happen
  2. and it would’ve meant DD going straight into her mums bedroom
  3. it didn’t happen

OP acknowledged hours ago about locking doors.

So why are you still banging on about the trauma of something that didn’t happen?

Never2many · 09/06/2025 22:31

And you think that it’s ok to teach a 15 year old that casual sex just for fun is ok?

Happy for your daughter to feel that it’s ok to become someone’s fuckbuddy at that age?

Teaching about sex is one thing, but at that age they should be learning about it within the confines of a loving relationship, there’s plenty of time for casual shagging once they have the maturity to guard their hearts and emotions, once they’re adults.

SquashedMallow · 09/06/2025 22:31

Wadadli · 09/06/2025 22:23

“Grim”? What po faced prigs some commentators are!

Good for you on the shagging / FWB front, OP

I agree with that poster. Sometimes we need to add other opinions to a conversation instead of "progressive" new age attitudes.

Some people do find "FWB" grim. I'm one of them.

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