My husband doesn’t want to share finances

[Dreamyhaze85]

We have only been married under a year and I am now pregnant. My husband earns a fortune through his business and also has thousands of pounds in cash every month. I work for the nhs and take home £2200 a month and just spend £500 a month on food. Husband pays for everything else. He has 8 cars, Rolex, designer clothes and can pretty much afford to do anything he wants. I've just gotten into debt paying vet bills for my dog. Husband will decide on all aspects of what he spends money on (holidays, house renovation, furniture, cars) and I have very little say in anything. Now I am pregnant I hate the thought of having no control over mine and my child's future. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to share finances and have a joint bank account. I tried to speak to him about this and he said no. He was willing for us to both put £1500 in a joint bank account and I can buy the food from this. I will therefore still have no say over our future and what he spends money on. He said I can never be equal to him as he earns more. He doesn't want me to go back to work after the baby is born and he is going to sleep in the spare room and go to work. What do you think?

@Dreamyhaze85 he sounds majorly controling and had no intention of change .
Your life will be hell if you have a child with him ANd then give up work . No chance .
i really really wouldn’t stay .
Do you want to keep the baby , how far on are you.

This is awful. Really. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where each person respects and values the other. Of course people argue a bit and life has its ups and downs but at the end of the day, you are working as a team to create a life together and look after each other. His proposed set up of you not going back to work is almost as though you will be his live in employee. You will have even less control over anything as you’ll be expected to do everything baby related and will likely become more isolated. He will be saying even more that it’s ‘his’ money which will limit your freedoms and diminish your confidence. Your partner is supposed to big you up not put you down. You said that you’ve been in an abusive relationship before and while this might not look the same as that, I have to say it sounds quite toxic.
also, just to add- obviously everyone’s experience of having a baby is different but I found it really hard to manage with the sleep deprivation and worry about all kinds of things. Thank god for my DH who kept me sane. You will need support at that time, not someone who slopes off to the spare room. I’d suggest you start working out other forms of support with family and friends maybe, as whatever you decide to do re your DH, that is likely to help a challenging time. Best wishes x

She is already pregnant!!

Is this written by some weird AI thing ? Because it’s too far fetched and bizarre to be true

* i do feel like I need to defend him a little, he’s not a nasty person and we have a good relationship.*

op, I dread to think what your life has been like for you to think this is a good relationship. I’m so sorry for you but you need to get out, because this is awful. A good relationship/marriage is where the two people are considered equals, everything is shared/they help each other out/love and respect each other. You have none of this. Are there any family members/friends about you can talk to about this?

How far pregnant? Early enough to have the option not to.make this bully a father?

If you each put £1,500 into a joint account that gives you £3,000 a month what comes out of that apart from the £500 for food? Is that effectively your spending money? I believe in couples each having their own money and a joint account for household expenses. I don't necessarily think you should have access to all his money, but you should certainly have a say in how the household is run, choice of furniture, decoration, kitchen equipment, etc. Was it his house before you were married so he is in the habit of deciding everything himself? It all sounds a bit unsettled, married less than a year, pregnant, no real understanding between you about how you are going to live, does he have a mother you could talk to? Is he from a paternalistic culture? You need to figure out between you what the future arrangements are going to be and then decide what is best for you. I also saw no mention of love in any of this from either side.

Well what’s your own thoughts on this situation? What would you advise to a friend if they told you this story?

My DH is like this. However he has provided a lovely home and secure future and I would still be living in a council house with an old battered car on my NHS salary. Try yo save to give yourself some independence in the future. He may soften somewhat when baby arrives. How would single parenthood look?

I'm sorry OP, but he sounds horrid and controlling. You are defending him but there is no defense for not taking care of your wife and family. Bringing a child into this is now going to make it worse for you. He is abusive but you aren't seeing it because it is calculated control. You are the boiling frog. Before you realize what is happening it will be too late.

I have been married 25 years. My DH has always made more than me and completely supported us while I was home with our young DC and only worked part time. Everything is joint and we mutually decided on the house, vacations, our DC, everything major. My DH and I are equals. That is a good marriage. Wanting your partner to live as well as you do is just a basic requirement to being a good partner.

I know it is hard to hear, but you husband is manipulative and controlling. His money is more important than you and your child. It will get worse when he thinks you are trapped with a baby. Please think about seeking a way out of this. Do your family and friends know how your life is? I think they would be as appalled as we are. I have a very happy marriage after 25.years because we respect, love and always want what is best for each other. You deserve that too OP.

When the baby is born, no matter how much your H begs you not to go back to work, you return, you need to earn your own money.

Sorry OP but your DH is not marriage material or father material. He sounds extremely selfish and controlling and thinks he’s some sort of prize that you should be grateful for. I would divorce him.

'so he did offer to start a joint bank account after marriage'

Your story is inconsistent.

He is making sure you didn't marry him for money. I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare.

You shouldn[t be both putting in the same money into a joint account. It should be the same percentage of your incomes. Otherwise it just wont be anywhere near fair.

He's using his money to control you. You should be equals in a marriage but your marriage is so unequal I don't know how you can stand it.

You mention a child from a previous abusive relationship. Does that child live with you and your husband? Whatever you do, don't give up your job. It's your only chance of freedom when you realise how dreadful and controlling he is. Try and save as much money from your salary as you can as your 'running away' fund for when you can't stand how he treats you any more.

I can’t think of anything worse than a divorce and being a single mum again.

Where is this child and how old are they?

And also, staying with this man would be much worse.

I don't know how this man managed to say his marriage vows with a straight face when he clearly didn't mean them.

OP, if I were you, I'd see a solicitor ASAP and I definitely wouldn't give up my job to be a stay-at-home mum. Do you have family you could stay with until you sort out something more permanent?

Some women do accept a relationship in which their partner doesn't see them as an equal, but I couldn't! A nice house and a £40,000 garden is a very poor substitute for autonomy and being treated with respect.

Suprised he married you if he’s this worried about his money ?
prenups are not valid in the uk
so you’re best bet is divorce
or life with an abuser

I really wish people would stop giving shit ‘legal’ advice on here. It is not as simple as pre-nups are ‘not valid’.

I do feel like I need to defend him a little, he’s not a nasty person

Yes he is a nasty man.

Some of the so called legal advice given on here is so piss poor especially in circumstances such as this. Im convinced its to make women married into money leave their very comfortable lives and suffer like the rest of them. Hes a man with substancial means, dealing in cash too. He’s had a prenup signed under legal counsel not out of thin air! More than likely it will be enforced and if not he will hide every penny and asset! On too of that he may even go for custody because he sounds like an arsehole and everyones screaming ‘leave his arse’ at-least you’ll get decent child support!

I’m feeling like this is not quite as clear cut as most people seem to think.

so my understanding is that up until now you have not had children…. And you are both able adults, just with vastly different incomes. That you are living no doubt in his very luxurious house, being taken on nice holidays you couldn’t afford etc, and all you are contributing is £500 a month to costs, which couldn’t cover all your living costs even in a bedsit, meaning you have £1500+ disposable income every month, - which you say you spend mostly on clothes, entertainment and shopping. top of this, he has given you a car, buys you eg expensive costs, and offered to pay for half your dog’s vet bill, which you turned down. ie you are profiting both financially and in terms of lifestyle by being with him. You have also said that you aren’t good with money (which is also suggested if you have no savings and have to stick a vets bill on a credit card), so….

1. you are definitely already being subsidised massively in enjoying a lifestyle massively above what you are contributing, despite up until now, not having children involved.
2. you are unreliable with money and perhaps have always lived above your means, and he is perhaps afraid you will apply the same principles to his money?
3. you agreed to separate finances via a prenup, but now seem to expect to share everything and are making assumptions that he will pay for stuff even when it’s your expense that you would have even if he wasn’t around?
4. sounds like there are issues in the marriage independent of this, if he is suggesting sleeping in a different room?

all that being said, if he really said you weren’t equal because of the money, then that is really shitty. Or was he saying he didn’t feel you should have equal decision making power over how his money is spent? Those two things are very different.

and secondly, if there is now a child on the way then this changes everything. I think it is actually reaonsably fair that two working adults each live within their means, with the richer one paying more costs and providing more treats, without subsidising the other too much or merging finances. But having a child is a totally different thing. Now you are sacrificing earning power and career advancement, AND you have a huge joint expense in spending for your shared child. You have to therefore come up with a better arrangement that sees at least a portion of his money as shared, in recognition of your sacrifices and dependence for the sake of the family, and also an understanding of how the child should be paid for, which should be by him almost entirely in the case of massive income disparity.

if he’s not willing to have that conversation, then you have a big problem.

@StanleyCup prenups are currently not legally binding in England and Wales. The court will look at the document and make a judgement whether it is fair or not to uphold it on a case by case basis.