My husband doesn’t want to share finances

[Dreamyhaze85]

We have only been married under a year and I am now pregnant. My husband earns a fortune through his business and also has thousands of pounds in cash every month. I work for the nhs and take home £2200 a month and just spend £500 a month on food. Husband pays for everything else. He has 8 cars, Rolex, designer clothes and can pretty much afford to do anything he wants. I've just gotten into debt paying vet bills for my dog. Husband will decide on all aspects of what he spends money on (holidays, house renovation, furniture, cars) and I have very little say in anything. Now I am pregnant I hate the thought of having no control over mine and my child's future. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to share finances and have a joint bank account. I tried to speak to him about this and he said no. He was willing for us to both put £1500 in a joint bank account and I can buy the food from this. I will therefore still have no say over our future and what he spends money on. He said I can never be equal to him as he earns more. He doesn't want me to go back to work after the baby is born and he is going to sleep in the spare room and go to work. What do you think?

Some good points being raised by people re how you will be supported by your DH while looking after the baby. I was SAHM but my DH set up a pension in my name and money went into it every month and every time he got a bonus. I didn’t have to ask he simply saw it as the right thing to do. I really don’t see your awful husband doing this in a million years.

OP I’m so so sorry. But everyone here is correct.

You are in another abusive relationship. Just in a different way.

Springing a last minute prenuptial agreement on you was absolutely a calculated decision.

He doesn’t view you as his equal at all. He wants you under the thumb and will always throw it back on you that you should be grateful.

This so called man, is comfortable sitting on his thousands watching his NHS wife put her poorly dogs vet bill on a credit card. He damn well know he could pay for it. That makes me sick.

You seriously need to consider getting your ducks in a row and divorcing him.

You'll never be his equal. A husband is supposed to be your ride or die. In sickness and in health. Your safety net in every way. He is showing you he is a lone wolf.

God forbid you get sick and have to reduce your hours or can’t work. He sounds like he would say ‘not my problem..?’. If he did have to support you more it sounds like it would come with terms and conditions and a boat load of resentment.

DO NOT give up your job and become a SAHM. He will expect you to do everything and god forbid you have a complaint or ask him to share the load. You don’t work and I pay for everything so you do it? This would likely be his response.

we’re not trying to scare you OP, but please please consider your options for the baby and the marriage very carefully. You love him, but (based on what we have read) we can see who he is but you can’t because feelings are in the way).

This will turn into financial abuse. He views you as less than him. You deserve better.

Leave with your baby. The maintenance will put you in a better position with more freedom then you're in now.

This.

if you intent to stay OP and have this baby you need to have this explicitly clear.

Point three demonstrates you do not know as much about family law as you think you do.

Op, let go of the fantasy that he's a nice person.

He's a bad man, and he'll continue to be a bad man to you and your child when s/he is born.

You've been foolish but it's not too late to protect your child.

Also, you know that he has undeclared income. If he doesn't pay fair child support and you feel safe to do so, I'd either shop him or threaten to.

He said I can never be equal to him

Fucking hell you are like a caged bird. Gilded cage, aka 40k garden, but you actually have barely anything to pay your dog's vet bill. I dread to think what it will be like once the baby arrives.

I hate to say it but I think you'd actually be better off leaving him and claiming CM. That's before the actual divorce- you may not get 50/50 but once you have a child you'll be entitled to some assets.

I could not share my life with someone who openly declared me his inferior.

@Dreamyhaze85 you mentioned being pregnant again as well as being a single parent. Where is your older dc in all of this?

When you first started dating was it 50/50 when it came to paying on dates or did he pay.

when you get married you become a team. Legally there is no his money and your money. It is 100% family assets. You are no longer individuals but people who plan to be together for the rest of your life. No one should control the money even if they earn 1000 times more than the other

as such you should have visibility to absolutely everything and be party to all financial decisions made by your family unit.

my DH and I got through our money regularly. We both have visibility of every penny. We don’t micro manage reach other’s spending as we know what our level of discretionary spending is and any large financial spending is always made together.

anything less than that is unacceptable.

@Dreamyhaze85 I had to have this conversation with my H recently. We met straight out of uni and neither of us had well paying jobs. Over the years as we
have gone on to have kids and I went part time, my career stalled whilst his took off. He now earns almost 10x what I earn. He is naturally a very generous person and we have a joint credit card which he pays off and I have my own account and pay him whatever I can afford to contribute towards bills etc after I’ve paid for childcare and put some money into savings.

However recently I’ve noticed him using money as a tool for respect in an argument such as ‘well I paid for it’ ‘it’s my money’ etc. I have shut that straight down. Each time he has said it I have stopped the argument and waited until it is calmer and explained that either he sees our marriage as a partnership or he doesn’t. He can’t pick and choose the parts of marriage he likes. I told him it’s OUR money and if I divorce him I get 50% of everything and if he continues to say things like that, it’s where it will lead. And I mean it. We have a great marriage but I will not be made to feel less than him in an argument because I don’t contribute as much financially. I have contributed my body, my health, raised his children and to me that holds equal if not more value to our family. Luckily he apologised sincerely and hasn’t said it again since I really laid it all out so hopefully it’s sunk in.

I really think you need to nip this in the bud because it is financial abuse.

I bet you had to sign a pre-nup too 🙄

Why isn’t your husband paying towards childcare?

I'm 10 years on to a very similar situation and please believe me when I say leave now and don't look back. I am completely financially trapped. My good savings I had pre-children are depleted because I had to pay 50% of everything whilst on mat leave (earning very little) and whilst I was a SAHM whilst the children were young. Years later I have never recovered and I'm now living on credit cards. I work full time but take home much less than him so I'm starting an additional 16-hour-a-week job. I feel sick every day about my situation. He respects me so little and my worth is tied to my earnings in comparison to his. I am forever chasing my tail but I think I've finally had enough. I'm going to work my 56 hours a week and pay down my credit cards and set myself free from him as soon as I can. My children deserve better. So do you and your unborn child.

What an awful, shameful man. You’re a partnership, your finances should be pooled and equally shared. Every single couple I know doesn’t this way. It sounds like he doesn’t care about you at all.

Cap!

Only because I have childcare vouchers from work and it works out better if I have that responsibility. I see my money as ours so it really doesn’t matter who pays it.

He isn’t controlling with money. He always tells me to spend money on myself. If anything our issue is I am the sensible one who doesn’t want to stretch ourselves and put too much pressure on him and he can be impulsive.

My issue is him using money as a trump card in an argument and not seeing it as a partnership which I think is OP’s issue too.

You’re not a girlfriend he met 1 year ago. You’re his wife. This isn’t a marriage. It’s barely a partnership. He has 8 cars? You can’t afford vet bills?
how can you not see how toxic this is? You’re bringing a child into a relationship that is not equal and you will show them that this is normal. That no matter how committed two people are, they are not equals.

For context OP, my DP and I are planning to marry. Not engaged yet. He earns a lot more than I do. We both run all financials past each other that concern us as a couple - vets/cars/holidays/furniture/renovations. Our money is always shared. I can’t even think of going into a marriage if we weren’t already seeing our wages as a joint pot

Why couldn’t he pay for the dog?

Has he explained how the finances will work if you don’t work?
Why is he planning to sleep in the spare room?

Your H loves having the big house, lots of cars and he has to keep reminding you how lucky you are because he likes to feel superior and he sees you as not his equal. If you gave up work after the baby, which is what he wants, it’s because he will make you beg for every penny he gives you. You will walk beside him in Primark clothes whilst he wears designer, he will go through the shopping list with a fine tooth comb and lecture you for being a spendthrift because you bought tampax. He will love the power he has over you and you will be Cinderella. Cleaning, taking care of the baby and once he steps through the front door , he will don his white gloves and search for dust, he will say, ‘ whilst I have been earning lots and lots of money, you have sat on your arse all day. Most women would be on their knees in gratitude to live in my grand house, the least you could do is clean it and wtf is that on my plate, burnt offerings?’

This is utterly ridiculous. I am an additional rate taxpayer, my wife is a SAHM at the moment. Everything I earn , plus bonuses, goes straight into joint accounts, nothing hidden away. My wife had access to everything. I have never once resented a single thing she has spent money on. We're a partnership. I wouldn't dream of seeing it as 'my money' just because it's my name on the paycheck. I spend the bulk of each day at work, she spends the bulk of hers with the children, but we're both contributing equally to the family. I just can't imagine the slap in the face it would be to my wife if I started talking about it as 'my money' and rationing what she was allowed to spend. I just don't think we could have a relationship on that basis.

It simply wouldn't work if there wasn't the respect there that we are on the same page with our high level goals and priorities, and can trust each other to spend money in accordance with those goals and priorities.

I’m guessing he will be sleeping in the spare room so baby doesn’t wake him up. God forbid the baby inconveniences his life or work.

I've been in an abusive relationship before when pregnant

What happened with that pregnancy OP? You do not mention having a child?

In case you hadn't noticed, not all women are 100% free to make that choice themselves. Sadly, some women are told who to marry.