My husband doesn’t want to share finances

[Dreamyhaze85]

We have only been married under a year and I am now pregnant. My husband earns a fortune through his business and also has thousands of pounds in cash every month. I work for the nhs and take home £2200 a month and just spend £500 a month on food. Husband pays for everything else. He has 8 cars, Rolex, designer clothes and can pretty much afford to do anything he wants. I've just gotten into debt paying vet bills for my dog. Husband will decide on all aspects of what he spends money on (holidays, house renovation, furniture, cars) and I have very little say in anything. Now I am pregnant I hate the thought of having no control over mine and my child's future. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to share finances and have a joint bank account. I tried to speak to him about this and he said no. He was willing for us to both put £1500 in a joint bank account and I can buy the food from this. I will therefore still have no say over our future and what he spends money on. He said I can never be equal to him as he earns more. He doesn't want me to go back to work after the baby is born and he is going to sleep in the spare room and go to work. What do you think?

Well you’re married and have a baby.

surely it should be done by income ratio instead of £1500 each.

what does he do for you?
does he help you? How is your free time spent?

You are totally not in the wrong - but he will do anything to make you feel you are.

Please think about getting away - before thd best years of your life are ruined

It's not 'his money' it's your money too as you're married and having a child together. Just don't give up your job

Not sure why people marry and have babies with people before they’ve discussed fundamentals like finances?!

Is he a drug dealer. Whatever it sounds dubious and he sounds a prick. How did you not know this about him before marrying .

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have gone from one abuser to yet another one; this particular individual financially abuses you. This is not an uncommon scenario.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you. You have no safe future with this man. Time to plan your exit from this marriage. Women’s Aid are well worth contacting here.

You being controlled like you are is far more terrifying than the thought of divorcing your abuser.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

So what’s his plans after baby since he doesn’t want you to go back to work? Is he going to pay towards your pension/pay you a set amount every month etc? Major red flag that he refuses you any access to his money but yet wants you to be a stay at home mum. Run for the bloody hills. Will you get to choose the baby things or will he refuse to let you choose as it isn’t ‘your money’? No matter how bad you are with money this screams financial abuse, not giving you any choices in what your home looks like/what holidays you go on etc is abusive…don’t get me started on him not paying for your MOT when he has 7 other cars himself…

Lawyer-up and leave before baby arrives. This situation won't improve. Sorry

@Dreamyhaze85 - you know this is never going to work, so you need to be really strong and focus on what is best for you……. Not just for now but for ever after.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds dreadful, he treats you very badly and this will just get worse. It’s so depressing to read how unable you are to stand up for yourself, he has you completely controlled. I think you should divorce, get out now and build a better life for yourself and your baby. I think he will make it very difficult for you and hide assets etc etc (he sounds a bit dodgy as in I doubt he is paying the tax he should) but nonetheless it will be worth it. He is walking all over you.

Oh dear! I would secure your own future with your child away from this man - it will not end well - I am so sorry!

I do feel like I need to defend him a little, he’s not a nasty person and we have a good relationship. Im 36 and he is 38. I’m very laid back, I have more money now than I ever have and I do feel very lucky. I don’t like him always reminding me how lucky I am though and we clearly do lead very different lives. I married him because I fell in love.

You don't need to justify or defend yourself from the opinions of us random strangers on the internet.

That said, it seems that he thinks you should justify your spending to him. Do you agree with that? You should furthermore consider that you can't change his behavior, only he can do that. Knowing what you know about your relationship and the fact that it is unlikely to change or that he is unlikely to change, is it enough for you?

You don't need to be in an abusive relationship to have a relationship that sadly just doesn't work for you or where you are fundamentally incompatible due different values regarding family finances. It's deal-breaker for many people.

I also would like you to consider that not all abuse looks a like. Just because you have been in an abusive relationship before and this relationship looks different, doesn't automatically mean that this relationship could not be abusive. I don't know if you have ever read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, by in the book he outlines many forms of abuse behavior.

Anyway, you know what works best for you. Good luck!

If this is actually real and not AI , just go now. Enjoy your baby. Get a place for the both of you and don't expect a penny from the father
You can make a fabulous, though careful, life for you both.

regardless of how nice he is day to day OP, it’s not nice to treat you how he is financially and it’s not the way you’d treat someone you love. I wouldn’t let my friend get in debt if their pet was sick let alone my husband! It’s disgusting behaviour

Is he earning the money legitimately OP?

I would be very careful about the advice given here. You have only been together for 3 years and married for 1 and you have a prenuptial agreement. You are living in his house. If you leave, it’s highly highly unlikely be 50/50 spilt of assets and as your marriage will be a very short one. You clearly have not been part of building the business and can not claim you’ve supported him while he has. Basically it’s not your money. And he clearly doesn’t believe it is either so you need to decide that that’s ok or you need to leave. But so consult a lawyer rather than believe what is posted here.

As a matter of interest, how does he treat your other child(ren)? Who pays for them?

And to be clear ….. as an aside, you pay for the food at £500 and he pays everything else? So essentially you have over £1500 a month free to do what you please? How on earth could you not afford a vet bill??

If this is actually real, then go and see a solicitor and start the divorce. He treats you like shit - you’d be better off in a 2 bed terrace with a little tiny garden without this cunt. You’ll get a decent settlement and you can just get rid of him and be free.

Staying with him is more terrifying

The advice is to leave him on account of the fact he’s clearly showing signs he will completely trap her so she has nowhere to turn and is completely dependant on him - right now she has a chance without a penny from him.

He sounds like a gobshite.

Tell all the friends he wants to impress that he has left you, the mother of his child, destitute

He is abusive though. He's financially abusing you. Have you discussed how you will pay for things once the baby is born. If he thinks you should support yourself whilst raising his child then you should present him with a bill and tell him what your rates are for looking after his child all day. Make them very high. Or just leave. You will be happier.

Don’t worry when you divorce him, you’ll get your share then. Let him crack on and try and document as much as you can

Hang on a minute have you got a child from a previous relationship you mentioned being pregnant again?