My husband doesn’t want to share finances

[Dreamyhaze85]

We have only been married under a year and I am now pregnant. My husband earns a fortune through his business and also has thousands of pounds in cash every month. I work for the nhs and take home £2200 a month and just spend £500 a month on food. Husband pays for everything else. He has 8 cars, Rolex, designer clothes and can pretty much afford to do anything he wants. I've just gotten into debt paying vet bills for my dog. Husband will decide on all aspects of what he spends money on (holidays, house renovation, furniture, cars) and I have very little say in anything. Now I am pregnant I hate the thought of having no control over mine and my child's future. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to share finances and have a joint bank account. I tried to speak to him about this and he said no. He was willing for us to both put £1500 in a joint bank account and I can buy the food from this. I will therefore still have no say over our future and what he spends money on. He said I can never be equal to him as he earns more. He doesn't want me to go back to work after the baby is born and he is going to sleep in the spare room and go to work. What do you think?

I am so sorry @Dreamyhaze85 but it's not going to get better.

Please find the courage to leave and enjoy your freedom.

When you leave him (hopefully), I’d definitely get a forensic accountant involved.
This might sound cynical, but I think this type of bloke will hide assets anyway he can.
If he’s got his own business, he’ll claim he’s low income to avoid maintenance etc
You’re married, what’s his is yours and vice versa! He sounds like a controlling tw*t.

@Dreamyhaze85 you have been well and truly conned by him/ he has even made you take your dog to the vet presumably so one of the dogs doesnt get pregnant (given that he encouraged you to take dog to vet) why didnt he take his dog? your relationship is affecting you and your dog and your future child. child will grow up to see a downtrodden mum who does everything and is treated like shit. btw dont think pre nups hold much water in uk!!

Even without the obvious financial abuse, the complete lack of care for you as a human and the control situation are clear signs that you need to leave, op. Add the financial abuse on top? Run for the hills. This isn't looking like it will get better and it's very likely to get worse.

You’re not his equal. You’re lucky to have him. He’s so generous paying your £40 MOT and giving you one of his cast-off cars. And he made you sign a pre-nup, to show how much he loves and trusts you.
I don’t like this man and wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy. He’s just a turd who’s been rolled in glitter. I hate to say it but yes, LTB now while you can, before you’re too trapped, enslaved, beaten down.

I doubt it. Seems like a clever F no doubt most of his money will be off the books. He’ll make it difficult to get a penny out of him and you’ll wonder if its worth it.

Again i ask Op what were his redeeming qualities?
Did none of his stinginess become apparent in the two years you dated? I have a funny feeling you thought marriage, getting pregnant would change him and you would then have unlimited access to his money. You not being good with money yourself says a lot. Rich men are very unlikely to be taken for a ride and yes they do control the finances thats been a tale as old as time. Ask a 1000 women married into money.

Wise up now. Start playing clever, keep him sweet and cream off what he gives you for your own future. Also get savvy with your own money. If you only spend £500 on food wheres the rest of it going. Don’t piss your own up the wall because you think you should have access to his. Get smart.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB

Your independence, status, income, pension ...

Also, get some independent financial and legal advice re your rights as a married woman.

Whatever he says ... You co-own the lot. Get that straight . He is a controlling manipulative exploitative arse.

Please note the economic abuse section of this wheel. With that in mind I’d recommend completing the freedom programme online to think about whether there’s other abusive behaviour in your relationship.

I do feel like I need to defend him a little, he’s not a nasty person and we have a good relationship. Im 36 and he is 38. I’m very laid back, I have more money now than I ever have and I do feel very lucky. I don’t like him always reminding me how lucky I am though and we clearly do lead very different lives. I married him because I fell in love.
ive been in an abusive relationship before when pregnant and my marriage is nothing like that. I guess I am feeling very vulnerable and scared now I’m pregnant again. I’ve been worried to talk to him for weeks, so deep down I knew he wouldn’t let me have any say or try and be a little more equal. He said he would keep paying the £1500 into the joint bank account when mat pay runs out. So I wouldn’t have nothing.
it’s just not having any say or control over any of life’s decisions around money that I hate the thought of. I would never be able to plan family holidays or have a say in whether we buy new carpets or a new bed. I won’t even know what we can afford for the baby things. He’s very flash so will want expensive stuff, but I would love to just be involved with the budget and saving for things we want and need. He’s just spent £40,000 on the garden which I love, but I had no say or no idea how much it cost.
is it really that awful? I feel more scared now.

I used to be in a situation like this

i left with my dc.
he pays child maintainence
but is enjoying the high life, contact with dc just gets more and more minimal.

i was scraping to get by when i was living with ex and he never paid a penny unless i quit my job to essentially be his free maid.

just divorce and run.

“I do feel like I need to defend him a little, he’s not a nasty person and we have a good relationship”
oh dear, this ain’t going to end well. Sorry op.

It’s abusive

Tbh, a lot of couples keep their own money/accounts separate. We’ve always done this, even when dcs came along. I wouldn’t stop working though after maternity leave. I’d also suggest to him that as he’s the far bigger earner, that he pays for everything, and you keep your salary to spend on you/treats etc. that way I guess he keeps control over his own earnings.

Bit late for that, she’s pregnant.

Abuse takes many forms @Dreamyhaze85 he may not call you names, or belittle you or put you down. He may not hit you or rape you.

But control is a form of abuse, and financial abuse is a very specific form of control. Refusing to let you work so you don’t have your own income, controlling how money is spent and giving you no say, coercing you into sign a pre-nup (by springing it on you and no doubt guilt tripping you into signing it or no wedding), and forcing you to get into debt are all very clear examples of financial control and abuse.

Even if you do nothing else, get copies of all assets and business transactions, tax returns etc and speak to a solicitor to know where you stand. You don’t need to leave now, but you do need to protect yourself.

You need to divorce this piece of shit because even just the child maintenance he'd have to pay you would help you more than what he's doing now.
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES LEAVE YOUR JOB. You will be trapped if you do that.
Divorce him. Take all the advice here and divorce him. This isn't a marriage he's keeping you as a maid/pet.

If you’ve had an abusive relationship before (and I have too btw) then you probably don’t actually know what a good relationship looks like.

I left my ex when my dd was 6 months old for similar reasons. (She’s now 22 years old). This isn’t a family. He sees you as staff, someone he pays a wage to and needs to keep in your place.

This is EXACTLY the shit I said about my ex husband.

He abandoned us and ran off with another woman, left jd with nothing, took our child and then spat said child out when they didng live up to his expectations.

I’ll say it again - get out, now.

Bit late fortunately. It's now damage limitation.

What made you get with him?
how pregnant are you?
were you in a relationship similar previously?

did he promise you a life that now he is changing his mind?

these men with millions (trust me I know) are usually the most selfish ones. They just want the women to look pretty, be a stepford wife and brainwash you into thinking you serve them.

thats what my ex used to think.
still chasing validation of materialistic things. Sad really. Never had his dad or a role model Around, so he doesn’t know how to treat women.

if you have been in a situation similar before, I would be very very careful to not make the same mistake again.

you need to play your cards right if you’re going to leave.
or just accept that this will be your life.. suppressed by a man using money to control you.

So wait - he pays for everything and put £1500 in the joint bank account. You have in top of this £2200 of your own wage. You have enough money op to not get into debt over a vet bill? ( which was how much exactly) you said yourself due to being married to him you yourself are financially better off.

He spent £40k on the garden which you love, so you know how much he spent on it. You are saying he wants the best of everything so will want the best of everything for your child too. So willing to spend a substantial amount of money there.
If he has spent that much on a garden, what makes you think he wont buy new carpets or a bed.

I think your issue is you want to be able to spend his money the same way he spends his money. You said yourself your bad with money, believe you me he knows that too.. so no he wont let you be irresponsible with his.

When he tells you how you lucky you are, im sure you sit there and say ‘ i know i am’ screaming codependency. Do you ever tell him he’s lucky to have you? Do you ever let him know your a woman with your own mind and ideas? What areas in your life do you have control over?? Do you excel in them areas? Build your own self worth, build your own career and your own money. If you act like you need his money he will treat you like you need his money, im sorry you married a bit of an arsehole thats how they are!

He is financially abusive. He does not understand marriage. This will get much worse when the baby comes. DO NOT leave your job.

get divorced before the baby comes. Get child support. Do you have somewhere to go?

Well he might not be wanting to share finances but a good divorce solicitor and a judge would ensure he does;I’m thinking half of 8 house would ensure a fully paid off
mortgage for you on a house of your own.

We don’t have a joint bank account. He said we could both put £1500 in a joint bank account. And he keeps everything else.

no I know, it could be a lot worse and I don’t have any control over it. The thought of divorce is terrifying. I just wanted clarity on if I’m in the wrong for wanting some understanding and some say in our future. He obviously thinks I’m being a tw*t and it’s never going to happen. I wouldn’t dream of spending his money without a joint decision, I’ve never asked him for money and the only thing I have ever asked him to buy me was a cross trainer second hand, which he did.

Stop making excuses for him. In terms of finances, of course he’s being nasty.