DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Exactly!

Not sure if that’s a good idea right now or not. Will have to see what DS says. I’ve told DH that if he starts shouting or disrespecting him, DS will walk and he’ll only have himself to blame.

I hope your son tells him to apologise first. Properly.

"end up like this" - FFS.

That's a positive update @Puzzledmum67 Hopefully, once he gets over the initial shock, he will come to terms with it, make peace with it, and accept your son and any partner he ends up with.

He just needs a bit of time hopefully. Fingers crossed for you all.

Simply because the vast majority of people in the world are straight - simple.

According to WIKI - and I always take that with a large pinch

In this survey, on average about 80% of people worldwide identified as heterosexual, 3% as gay, lesbian or homosexual, 4% as bisexual, 1% as pansexual or omnisexual, 1% as asexual, 1% as "other", and 11% don't know or won't say.

You did well to answer that with dignity.

All this faux 'i don't know what you mean' business halts any discussion.

Straight is the 'default' it's not a 50/50 split. This ridiculous faux naivety really stalls conversation.

It's not hard to see that most people will naturally assume their child is straight until signs may hint otherwise.

@SquashedMallow @NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin
My Dad always says (retired English teacher) "To assume makes an ass out of you and me." He's not wrong. Closed-minded people assume. Like the people who assume I'm a Mrs Hisname when I'm married but I am neither.
80% is not the "vast majority."

I'm sorry to say it OP, but I think your DH has fully lost his son now.
They might be civil, but given the history you've included, I don't think their relationship is every reparable if he's never accepted him

Real adults dont have children because they want a certain type of offspring, or for what their child can do for them (play football, do 'boy things' being an example.
Your son has known his dad doesn't like him and wouldn't have ever chosen him, for a long time.

I couldn't be married to someone like that but I'm not you

The best thing you can do is support your son. What you do with your DH is up to you.

I put 'straight' on every survey, job application, anything like that, that I do. Because I'm scared. Scared that someone who knows someone who knows me may read it.

My family still dont accept me

There is of course a possibility that I am the only person in the entire world who does this.

But I doubt it, don't you?

My son told me he was gay when he was about 12, he became openly gay to everyone when he was 17, met his partner at 18 & has been married to him for nearly 2 years. There is no way I would stay in a relationship with anyone who kicked off with him about his sexuality.

Why are you trying to justify him is it easier for you than standing up to him?

Well - a very close friend puts BI on every application just incase there's a criteria to fill - I'm not saying she right to do so but that's her option to do so.

I would agree with you that not everyone is honest on the forms so I don't understand why its actually there anymore as you can't use it (officially) to discriminate against applicants

Except that it really is.

51% is a majority. 80% is a vast majority.

ETA that I conflated you post with someone else comments so took you as a teacher. Redacted.

Errrr. Are we all just forgetting OPs son's been having a secret, potentially sexual relationship with a man in another country & Mumsnet is banding together to support homosexuality ?!?

Not like pointing out that the dad doesn't know this person (or even his own son up till this point)
& The blatant risks involved here being undermined by the whole "sister thinks he's lovely" having only met him on occasions & not knowing him outside of them ?!?

OP pull your head out of the sand & get your family on the same page ... Being gay is a sexual preference not a lifestyle choice & just because somebodys into something doesn't make it safe

Which "other country" are you referring to?

The OP quite clearly stated that her and her husband are from India but their children were born, and grew up, in the UK.

The OP lives in Scotland, her son's BF lives "south" in the UK,

Putting aside for a moment the utterly awful drivel about 'accepting homosexuality' - don't think I've heard that for 20 years - any 'risks' that DS are taking are his to take. He is an adult, and he can just leave and never speak to his father again. The same page that they need to be on is that they love and support one another, unless the father thinks it is really worth losing his child forever.

A lot of people are pointing out the damage that the parents' actions (the father's homophobia and the mother's non-zero level of tolerance of it) can have on their relationships with their children, but I'm really surprised at the lack of focus there has been on the damage to the son himself.

That kind of shame and rejection usually stays for life and does huge harm. OP you don't have much time to try and minimize the damage to your son.

No job application asks for that information. It'd be illegal and discriminatory. Many employers will conduct voluntary, anonymous reasearch for inclusivity and diversity statistics.

This lady was most definitely asked and I can write here it was for the Met and Hertfordshire police in the very early 2000's.

Hi Op. I am ethnically Indian, married to a white man and my son is gay. We never had an issue with DS being gay, but as you know plenty of South Asians do. Your husband’s shock will have deep roots. Your son will have feared his reaction for years and now it is here he will feel alone and rejected. Make sure that he has good people to protect him. In honesty, if the boyfriend’s family is supportive, this may be an option for a while. Next you need to work with your husband to work out a way forward. I found the book A Dutiful Boy by Moishin Zaidi very helpful and it also contains the number for some very specific South Asian support groups you can talk to. PM me if it us useful. IME love for his son will win out over deeply intrenched views of gay relationships, but again this takes time. You have the dual impact of his son being gay and his relationship being inter-racial.

As you know this will also not be the end of it. At some point you will need to tell other relatives as well and IME not all will take the news well. Your DS will need support and you need to be prepared for some relatives to shun him and you. IME a number of my relatives were ok, but some definitely were not and I backed my son over those relationships.

You will all get there OP, but there will be challenges ahead. Make sure you back your son (firstly). Give your DH time, take advice, talk and then manage everyone else.

This this this. 🩷
You’ve brought happy tears to my eyes - surely this is what being a mother is? Supporting our children before ourselves. Prioritising their needs.
But how utterly horrific people still hold such backwards vile attitudes…

You think that’s a positive update?

They're in Scotland......

I’d tell him I’d personally tell ds not to let him speak to his bf because he needs to be able to speak to his son first, and if ds is a good man he will protect his boyfriend from the bigotry his dad shows, he is a good man so he will never ever speak to his sons boyfrebd until he’s managed to talk with his own son.
and I’d add while you are thinking, please consider that you have a wife who won’t live in a house our son isn’t welcome in, no matter whether he’s gay or straight. Dd will stay with me, that must be obvious to you. So you can throw us all away or you can adapt.

He doesn't get to vet your DS's partner (or any partner your DD chooses). It doesn't matter whether he thinks they are the 'right' sort.

He sounds very controlling. Support your son (and DD in her choice of relationship in future).

She's in Scotland (?), the partners in England

Yep - and now so is DS following the outburst