DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

I did say that husband can think what he wants, that includes having his own religious belief. We shouldn't police people's thoughts. That's totalitarianism. Religious views don't override human rights to form relationships who whoever they choose (providing they are of the legal age). Both sides have opinions and that is up to them but what the husband in the scenario did was to attack the son (the other side)'s freedom to love who they like by protesting against it, saying it's "wrong" and as OP said, "kicking off".

I've read most (it's fast-moving) posts in this thread and I've not seen anyone calling for a "loud, extroverted reaction" to it. As a parent, the husband should have not caused a disturbance and upset his son. The husband thinks his bigoted views about homosexuals trumps the son's right to marry who he chooses. That's wrong.

If someone hates homosexuals as a personal opinion, that's between them and their own mind. But to hate ON homosexuals is a different thing. That's unacceptable and that impedes on the rights of the homosexual community.

I'm a non-religious, heterosexual mother and I don't know anyone closely who is a homosexual, lesbian or bisexual, but I respect that this is a free world, for people to live on it how they choose, as long as it's not harming anyone else.

I have never used the C word on this forum. I did call the husband a douche bag, because in this situation, he was being one. It doesn't mean I write him off as a douche bag, it just means if you behave like one, I will call you one. There are other clues in the OP's posts that make me think there are deep routed problems with the husband's behaviour though. It's not going to be a happy family dynamic with the husband holding so much resentment. As soon as the boy turns 18, he should look for other accommodation and life his life by his own choices as he is free to.

Absolutely spot on.

What makes me laugh Is the utter hypocrisy? These virtue signallers will be the first in line to jump on anyone that expresses any concerns about 'their Muslim neighbours views' or 'immigrants not mixing '. They just beat the drum loudly for any fashionable cause. It's called hypocrisy. They're totally blind to it.

I'd take authenticity and real, considered, balanced conversations anyday. You usually find the honest ones have valid opinions and funnily enough are rarely racist or homophobic.

Just these virtue signallers are full of hot air, knee jerk reacters themselves, and shallow in their ability to think of any nuances to any given scenario. They can only see their own narrow viewpoint. Intolerance at its finest.

Yes I guessed you were a white, non religious, straight female with no gay friends or relatives.That much was obvious.

I like the way you threw "hate homosexuals" in there. I don't believe I mentioned any religious groups "hating homosexuals". You do realise there is a difference between it not being the tradition of their culture to marry someone of the same sex and it being against their religious practices, to actively "hating" don't you ? Because "hating" would be homophobic. You do realise there's a difference don't you ? Typical liberal left- always talking in extremes.

Two issues here

1. the homophobia
2. the fact your son and you have had nearly seven years to prepare your DH for this, but you haven't. Your husband has ultimately had a massive shock whilst you both have almost mentally prepared for this.

The former is not ok. But neither is the latter. You've shut your DH out deliberately rather than being proactive about this and prep him for this situation.

This is ultimately what I think. It's poor communication by all parties. No one has the moral high ground here.

So DS actually asked me not to tell DH about his boyfriend – he was the one who suggested introducing him as “a friend”. I wasn’t fully comfortable with it but I said OK because I didn’t want to break his trust. I think maybe DH was already a bit suspicious tbh, just the way it was all introduced and the fact he stayed for dinner. Both kids have friends over now and then but they usually just say hi and go up to the room – they don’t really sit and eat with us. So maybe DH picked up on that.

I spoke to DH properly tonight. Wasn’t easy. He’s still angry but I managed to get him to actually sit and talk instead of just storming off.

One of the first things he said was “having sex with a man is wrong”. Then he looked at DD and asked if she knew if they were. DD said no and told him it’s private and not her business – which I agree with 100%. She handled it better than I expected to be honest.

Then he went on about the age gap, saying DS is still a child and what kind of uni student wants to be with a 17yo.

He also started going on about how he didn’t move to this country for his kids to “end up like this”. I didn’t even know what to say to that. I just told him we moved for better opportunities for our kids, not to shape them into something they’re not.

At the end of it all, he said he wants to speak to the boyfriend. I said I’d need to check with DS first. He said he just wants to “see what kind of boy he is”.

Not sure if that’s a good idea right now or not. Will have to see what DS says. I’ve told DH that if he starts shouting or disrespecting him, DS will walk and he’ll only have himself to blame.

Do you not agree that to shout and "kick off" at your son who has done absolutely nothing wrong is out of order?

The OP didn't come on here saying her husband disagrees with homosexuality and as a result asked for some space to process his thoughts. She said he shouted "it's wrong" and "kicked off". If he approached a couple of homosexuals who were, for example, holding hands on a bench in the street, would you also be rushing to his defence in the way that you are now?

I'm not "woke", "lefty", "Labour supporting". I form my own opinions and have my own mind. I don't need approval or validation from anyone else. But, I will speak out when something is wrong. The OP asked for advice and she is getting it by the bucket loads. Just because you don't like the advice she is getting, doesn't mean others are wrong for giving it.

Tell DH to leave He's a Homophobe.
Your DS needs to feel safe secure and loved in his parental home by both parents
My DS1 is gay. Stand by your DS

May say that the number one issue is the adults assuming they have control over this situation. In fact about the only control there is in these circumstances is to be quiet, and hope the son is not alienated.

The husband is dreaming if he thinks he gets to scrutinise the boyfriend. That’s a complete no no.

This!

It sounds like he's opening up. That's good. He doesn't sound like he's in denial either, even better.

When he said a man having sex with a man is wrong. It's only in very recent times that we don't see it as wrong. Some people, I think particularly men, even more so ones from a conservative culture, may take more time to view it as "ok". But he's his son, he loves him. That will sway his views on the matter. I think this is going to be a work in progress. Keep talking. Keep reassuring both your husband and your son. It might be best to let them both have their space for time being, when he next talks to his son, it needs to be calm and appropriate. You don't want him doing it too soon and he ends up blurting out any "high emotion" reactions. Your son isn't the right audience for it. I think you may be a better audience for his "upset", even if it doesn't come out well Initially. Get the concerns and "hurt" out of his system . Most of this is "immediate reaction/high emotion" stuff. Once it's out, the real "going forwards" conversations can take place.

I don't think a strapping 19 year old would be intimidated by a much older man. Husband might find himself "put in his place", metaphorically speaking.

I would imagine so. It is a stupid idea

Our DS was bisexual at 13, straight at 16, gay at 17, and stuck with that when he felt safe enough to tell everyone the truth. Truthfully I’ve said he was gay since he was 3, I just knew. Wider relatives judged me for it, but I just knew!

We both supported him at every step. At 13 he had panic attacks and couldn’t go to school for fear of not being accepted. He then didn’t want to backtrack and be straight. Then he thought it was too much of a problem to come out as actually gay.

But when he did he could finally be himself and he’s finally just free and happy.

Point is, he needed support at every step. If your DH can’t offer that, then frankly, he needs to fuck off. Your DS is more important. There’s really no room for that kind of homophobic bullshit in a family, culture or not, he needs to get over himself.

With due respect though, you knew in your heart and head since your DS was 3 (and I do believe you, I do think you 'just know' sometimes at a really young age ) that's most of his life that you've gotten used to that idea. It's a little different to a man that has zero idea, and suddenly caught his adult teenage son in a romantic embrace with another male he thought was a friend. The shock element is there and gives way for knee jerk reaction. I think it makes it a little more understandable than someone who already has known for a decade or so and was just waiting for the official confirmation so to speak .

God, this thread is depressing. A lot of people excusing the DH’s reactions because it was all a terrible shock.

It’s only ever going to be a terrible shock if:

• you’re a giant homophobe. Otherwise it’s equivalent to finding out someone has naturally blonde hair but they’ve always died it brunette.
• you have no real emotional closeness with your child. It’s pretty unthinkable to me that a child could get to 17/18 without a parent actually engaging with them enough to work out they could possibly be gay.

I think it’s probably a good sign that he wants to talk to the boyfriend. It must have been a big shock to him to realise he was the last in the family to know.

But before he does anything else, he needs to apologise to your son for shouting and being horrible, talk to him properly, and tell him he loves him no matter what. Getting to know the boyfriend comes second to that.

It’s also amazing how many people on this thread tacitly or openly state it is the mum’s or the gay child’s job to be honest, open, kind, persuasive and educative to the homophobic father.

Not our problem. Not our work.

Yeah no, it’s definitely not a good idea for your DH to speak to the boyfriend yet. He’s on the right track, seems like he’s accepted this is real and happening and not something he can control or stop, but he’s transferring some of the (imagined) blame to the boyfriend with the age difference thing. It sounds like it’s less than 2 years age difference and your son is over the age of consent and about to be a legal adult so your husband is just nitpicking there really.
Give it a bit more time yet. Keep talking to your son, let him know you love him, you and his sister are in his corner and Dad is probably coming round slowly.
When your husband has reopened communication with your son, and can handle that without feeling anger or shame, then he might be ready to meet the boyfriend and get to know him properly.
And your daughter has exactly the right idea about how he should deal with knowledge/ discomfort around the idea of your son having sex with men. Sex is private, and the last person a young (almost) adult wants to discuss their sex life with is their mum or dad. Other than silently acknowledging to himself that, as a gay man, his son will probably have sex with other men, your husband doesn’t need to give that topic any more thought or consideration than that.

I agree.

This is his son. He needs to take some responsibility to educate himself.

I think that sounds positive.

"I want to make sure he is good enough for my son" isnt a negative thing. Its what a lot of parents want to know when their kids start a relationship.

And he will probably be the same with their DD.

The DH is struggling with what he was taught to believe growing up and his kids growing up in a more liberal and permissive society.

I agree. The husband is the one with the problem. It's for him to do his own research and make up his own mind whether he wants a future in his son's life or not. Then the son can decide if the husband deserves to be in his life. The son is nearly 18 and will be able to go off and live his own life soon.

Do I think the father’s reaction shows he’s homophobic? Yep, absolutely. And OP has already said her husband has always had trouble connecting emotionally with his son.
So yeah, the father’s reaction is unfortunate and will have a detrimental effect on his relationship with his son. If he doesn’t figure out how to accept the situation, his son will likely become estranged and it might have a very negative effect on his marriage and relationship with his daughter too.
But there is a lot of grey area between being a model supportive parent to a gay adult child and shunning them or refusing to acknowledge them every again. The kid only gets one father, and it might be worth it to him to continue to have a relationship with his dad, even if his dad’s never able to be the perfectly supportive parent and instead is able to come to some form of acceptance and acknowledge of his son’s sexuality.

Terrible behaviour by dad. Get rid of dad over your son

My old neighbour had been through this with her husband and son.

She left him and made a new home with the children.