DH found out DS is gay and it’s kicking off

[Puzzledmum67]

Evening all,

Bit of a mess here and could really do with some advice or just someone who’s been through similar. Me and DH are both originally from India but been living in the UK for years now. We’ve got a 19yo daughter and a 17yo son (he’ll be 18 in Dec).

DS told me he was gay when he was about 11 but honestly I didn’t take it seriously at the time – thought he was too young to know. He told me again last year and this time I really listened. I just want him to be happy, and he seems like he is. His sister knows, his friends know, he’s comfortable with who he is and I’m proud of him.

He’s got a boyfriend now - 19, from England, just goes to uni here. Lovely lad. Our daughter gets on with him really well, they have similar music taste and he’s been round a couple of times just with her. Yesterday was the first time coming over properly to see DS.

The issue is DH doesn’t know DS is gay. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell him but I’ve never known how to bring it up. He’s not the best at talking about feelings and can be quite old-school. He’s also kicked off in the past – once when DS wore a crop top (which didn’t even show anything, just a bit short) and DH shouted and made him change. So I’ve been wary.

Anyway, yesterday the bf came over and DH met him as “a friend”. All was fine till later that evening when DH walked into DS’s room and saw them cuddled up in bed watching a film. Nothing dodgy, just close and clearly not “just mates”. DH totally blew up – shouting, saying it’s wrong, saying DS is embarrassing him etc. It got pretty heated and DS ended up leaving.

Now DS is texting saying he wants to go stay with his boyfriend down south and doesn’t want to come back. He’s finished school (we’re in Scotland) so he technically can, but I don’t want things to get to that point. DH is still sulking and won’t talk properly.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t want to lose my son over DH being stubborn, but I don’t want to start WW3 at home either. Has anyone been in a similar spot? Or got any advice on how to get DH to open up and actually listen instead of just blowing his top?

Thanks for reading, really.

Darling, you can quite frankly "think" whatever you like.

Going against the gratin here but I think this hasn’t been well handled by any of you.

You’ve known for 7 years, you’ve also known that your DH is likely to have issues accepting that your son is gay - but you don’t talk to him or smooth the way at all? And instead he finds out by walking in on your son cuddling up to another man on his bed?

DH should not have walked in without knocking.
you and DS should not have kept it secret for 7 years.

the point you need to make to your DH is that he now has a choice. He can drive his son away - or he can bring him back and find a way forward.

Echo this completely.

Really it’s not, my in-laws are very accepting of gay people, one of them had a best mate who was gay (Indian btw). They would still struggle with a gay child, simply because there is a weight of cultural expectations. They would have moved past it eventually, someone who is homophobic would never move past it. I would have no issue if one of my kids were gay, I just don’t care, but I can see how some would struggle in the moment.

Oh I know its never gone away, I've just genuinely never really seen it so blatant on MN before.

Get your victim cloak off and be more tolerant of a parent having mixed initial immediate reactions to their child being "different". Note the emphasis on immediate reaction. That is NOT homophobia. This victimhood narrative needs calling out. Enough !

It's not virtue signalling to be against bigotry. Husband can think whatever he likes and say whatever he likes (within the confines of the law) but upsetting your son who has done nothing wrong is just douche bag behaviour.

And for you to say that OP should consult a religious forum as they won't be biased is simply bad advice. Religion has it's own views on homosexuality and many scriptures speak against it. She wouldn't get unbiased advice. She'd get religious advice, based around the teachings of the faith she follows.

It's quite simple. Son is happy. Son is not taking drugs or shoplifting. Son is making plans for his life. Husband shouldn't try and life his life through his son. That's not fair. Husband needs to get a grip and deal with it before he looses his son forever. But from what OP has said, I don't think the father deserves to be in his son's life and the son would probably be better off without him when he turns 18.

This.

Support your child who is doing nothing wrong over your homophobic “DH”

Victim cloak? What are you actually blathering on about go and touch some grass or something

So your husband is a homophobic bigot. Not sure what advice to give you, really, except that that is unacceptable and I wouldn’t be with a man if he were homophobic. Would you?

Maybe find a progressive sikh who is able to reassure your husband.

I hate to be blunt but, in moving here, your husband made a decision to bring up children in our culture. That means accepting that they will absorb all of it, including the possibility that they may marrying a white person, coming out as gay or becoming atheists or Christians. It means potentially having half white grandchildren who don’t keep up cultural practices he holds dear. That’s the sacrifice anyone needs to be prepared to make when they move internationally. It sounds like you are comfortable with that. Your husband is going to have to learn to be to maintain his relationship with his son.

Surely the love of parent should be unconditional in the first place? I can understand more if child has done something abhorrent. But this is of course not the case here - the son is simply attracted to men and not women.

Surely there’s two things here. Dh is being homophobic, but would he have reacted well to seeing a (white, British, non Sikh) girl cuddled up in DS’s bed? If so it’s not exclusively homophobia and I do think it woukd be useful for ds to recognise that. And if I found out my spouse knew that dc had bfs/gfs in their bed and I was the only one out the loop I’d be pretty pissed off too.

If it were my dh I’d want to iron out what exactly the issue is and then go from there.
if he’s not willing to budge from his homophobia though , I wouldn’t be willing to lose my child for him. I wouldn’t want ds to leave now, I think it’ll damage your relationship forever. You’re showing youll tolerate him being excluded to appease your dh

I think you need to contain your husbands reaction. He’s a bit like a toddler, having big feelings, that he isn’t handling very well. He needs time to cool off. He needs guidance to improve his behaviour. You and your family need to not get caught up in his feelings. Don’t let them dominate. Minimise and downplay.

Not only has he found out by accident by walking in on them (which is entirely different from being told by DS, as you were), he's also presumably found out that you've known for six years, and that both you and your son kept this from him.

You've had six years to know who your son is. He's just found out, when apparently he wasn't meant to. You can't expect him to be mentally in the same place as you.

I think that, in his place, I'd be more shocked and upset at the secrecy. And that might well be why he's reacting so badly to the whole situation. It's really unfair to compare how he's feeling about this, with how you do, having had six years to process it.

Did you ever encourage your son to tell his dad? Or did you just enjoy being the chosen one?

Why didn't your dh knock and wait before entering your ds's room? Does he knock and wait before entering your dd's room?

You need to speak to your DH, your ds has done nothing wrong but your DH is acting like a victim.

Love your tolerance for difference - working nicely both ways isn't it ? Oh wait....

You do realise people are allowed to feel gay relationships are not in line with their religion don't you ? (Side note: do I agree with that view ?no) But it is still a held belief for millions and millions world over. Devout Muslims, Catholics, and so on. I protect their right to hold this view.

What we cannot have in society Is those people that disagree with same sex unions treat gay people with prejudice and discrimination and abuse because of their views. Many manage it: how many devout Muslims drs work in hospitals and manage to treat gay males and females? It's happening all around you.

Many religious people have gay sons and daughters. Many of them may struggle to adjust to this information. Many of them manage to have relationships with said children, but that may look a little different to flag waving and shouting to the neighbours how proud they are. Not everyone has to have a loud extroverted reaction to it that ticks all the right think boxes.

An initial knee jerk reaction is very different to a considered response.

I do think it's sound advice to consult a fellow religious group. Their advice may be examples of how they've navigated their own experiences without all the "you should fuck off, cunt" twattery. Some people, like previous posters examples, may be in the form of accepting the relationship, but the DH viewing it as a friendship to help find the best of both worlds.

People forget that tolerance works all ways if it's to work right, and people are allowed to hold different views and that should be respected. What they're not allowed to do is be abusive and hateful with them.....you know, for example, like "fuck off, cunt"...

Yeah, it really should be. Good that the son is somewhere safe.

Why should sexuality define someone? Their son is still the same person as he always was.

How dare your husband make your son feel bad about something he cannot change, that is at the core of who he is, and is no harm to anyone.

I think your son might need to be around people who accept him for a little bit of time, whilst your husband deals with the shock.

Time and talking is what’s needed. Step by step.

All the posters demanding immediate happy families are unrealistic and a bit extreme in their views - it takes a while for someone to accept such a massive change and adjust their mindset and values to do so. It doesn’t mean the dad can’t get there, with a little help.

You're playing the victim. I won't be silenced and scared into not calling you out. You can reply with patronising, sarcastic hostility all you like, but I won't sit here and say nothing whilst you label measured viewpoints as "homophobia".

Sorry - but I think that's nonsense - I have children in the UK and I always assumed they would be straight - so fair they've proved to be - but if they come out at some point then it is what it is - but as others have said the OPs husband is from an area where it isn't 'normal or assumed' and the OP has had years to get onboard. He needs time and a long conversation with the OP to discuss this and thankfully the DS has a safe place with his BF while this happens. The OP needs to tell DS that the convo is happening and not to panic while it happens. If the husband can't come on board then that is a different matter - let alone what the husband has to deal with extended family etc - as British white I don't think we understand other views and on the basis of that we have these knee jerk reactions about 'homophobic bigot/cunt/and all the other things he's been called' so far

@NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin Why would you "always assiume" your children are heterosexual?

I'm not Sikh but I'm pretty sure that homosexuality isn't forbidden in Sikhism.