New boyfriend, bad teeth help!

[muchadoaboutteeth]

I’m in a bit of a situation and could really use some advice on how to sort this out. Have name changed because it’s a bit embarrassing, but have been here for years!

New bf (of 2 months) is lovely. He’s attentive, caring, kind, funny, good job and attractive, but (and please don’t flame me) he has terrible teeth and it’s really hard for me to look past.

It’s not just that they’re a little crooked (which I don’t really care about), but they are badly stained, and (warning, this is gross) I can smell some sort of weird cavity or decay smell and it completely puts me off him. A couple of times we’ve been talking and his gums have actually been bleeding a little! He’s very touchy-feely in a normal new relationship way, but it’s starting to effect our intimacy as I just can’t kiss him and I don’t want him kissing me at all- the thought of it is seriously off-putting.

I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

There’s not really a way to approach this without upsetting him is there? I want to be with him, but I honestly can’t bear kissing him! Is it worth just biting the bullet and saying he needs to sort it out? I’m seriously considering ending it- but that’s so shallow and I really like him!

Back with an update. I’ve managed to have a chat with him about the issue and it thankfully went really well.

I took the opportunity to bring it up when I noticed he kept holding the side of his mouth and I gently raised that I could see he was having an issue with his teeth and ‘we’ need to get it sorted out. He was hesitant to open up at first but he eventually said he has a bit of a phobia of dentists and needles stemming from his childhood- which explains why he’s been so reluctant to visit. I did my best to remain supportive and I said we’d find a really good dentist and I’d go with him, but that it had to be done. He said he’s ready to go and face it, and would be grateful for me going with him, and will step up his brushing too.

Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it. As I said, he’s a really great man in all other aspects and I do genuinely love spending time with him, so I’m more than happy to help him through this issue.

Lovely update @op:)

So pleased, well done on handling it so gracefully!

Glad it went well!

Win win!

Result OP. My ex was the same and I was just about today that it couod begets from a horrible childhood dental experience. That’s good youre going to go with him. If he is offered sedation on the nhs it’s brilliant. You can get half your teeth out and not give a shit it’s so good at taking away fear! Would recommend if he’s struggling. Not all dentists have someone inthe practice who does it though.

I'm not going to keep repeating myself, you're twisting my words. I very clearly said that she wouldn't be able to overcome the ick and ignore the state of his teeth, and that for her to move past it he would have to take control of his dental hygiene. Anyway it sounds like the conversation went well with her partner which is good news, and as I said, as long as he takes responsibility and makes progress then it's possible to move forward if that's what she wants to do.

This was me, terrified of the dentist for ages. Things that helped in addition to an understanding dentist (who promised to keep an eye on my right hand and to stop immediately if I raised it). Knowing that I had some control really really helped. Learning to breathe out as well as in made the whole process much more manageable) were

disclosing tablets , chew one after brushing to find the bits I’d missed. Only needed to use them a few times to get the hang of proper ckeaning

waterpik water flosser in addition to dental tape immediate after a visit to the hygienist to maintain the sparking clean regime.

Hope it goes well.

Is his name Adam by any chance?

Good for you for speaking up OP! You see so many threads on here where people end relationships/friendships over things that can be easily fixed with the right approach.

Seems like a very bad approach - scolding and condescending.

Seems far better to say, "Are you taking care of your teeth? I found an article that might interest you."

So glad he took it well. I hope he'll go to the dentist very soon. Once he's been the phobia should ease. Good on him, and you for caring!

I hope he is flossing/tp-ing each tooth and using chlorhexidine mouthwash and an electric brush. A manual just won't get you clean enough I don't think.

Tell him the first time they won't actually do any work on his teeth. Just look, and do x-rays. Then they'll tell him the things he needs to be dentally fit. They'll never do lots of stuff all at once. So even if he needs plenty of work they'll do it in half hour-hour long sessions.

I was really scared of going and avoided it for about ten years, but I'm so glad I went. Now my teeth are healthy (full of fillings but healthy!) and I go to the hygienist and checkups feeling happy and confident. Knowing all I need is a bit of maintenance.

Also worth noting that my dentist prescribed me diazapam to have during my treatment. So he could always ask for that if he says he's very anxious.

Tell him to go to the dentist!

Be prepared for him to be recommended deep cleaning / root planing with anaesthetic injections, and to be told he has loose teeth. Second the water pik tip.