New boyfriend, bad teeth help!

[muchadoaboutteeth]

I’m in a bit of a situation and could really use some advice on how to sort this out. Have name changed because it’s a bit embarrassing, but have been here for years!

New bf (of 2 months) is lovely. He’s attentive, caring, kind, funny, good job and attractive, but (and please don’t flame me) he has terrible teeth and it’s really hard for me to look past.

It’s not just that they’re a little crooked (which I don’t really care about), but they are badly stained, and (warning, this is gross) I can smell some sort of weird cavity or decay smell and it completely puts me off him. A couple of times we’ve been talking and his gums have actually been bleeding a little! He’s very touchy-feely in a normal new relationship way, but it’s starting to effect our intimacy as I just can’t kiss him and I don’t want him kissing me at all- the thought of it is seriously off-putting.

I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

There’s not really a way to approach this without upsetting him is there? I want to be with him, but I honestly can’t bear kissing him! Is it worth just biting the bullet and saying he needs to sort it out? I’m seriously considering ending it- but that’s so shallow and I really like him!

And his winky… 🤢🧀

In all my years of seeing pretty teeth, bad teeth, toothless mouths.....I have never , never witnessed somebody's gums bleeding whilst talking.

To be fair, reading the OP is the first time I have been made aware of sensitive gums bleeding outside of teeth being brushed.

Men are lucky bastards for even the bloody mouthed amongst them getting two months play from women who look after themselves.

The incel is here! waves

You - and he - can look upon this as a positive.
There’s no good way to tell somebody you think some part of them is awful, but you can always be loving and kind.
Come from a loving place.
You’ll have to find your own words, though.
You’ll do it because you care for him. If he cares for you he’ll accept it - he might get angry, but that’ll be embarrassment - try and remember that and remember to be diplomatic.
Good luck. ❤️

I thought I was bad for occasionally skipping brushing for a day, then I found out there are actually people who don't brush for weeks, months, even YEARS. I don't get it as I've dealt with depression, hence the not brushing for a day (also I have OCD so my brushing routine is very long and involved and sometimes I just can't be bothered) but I expect everyone else is much quicker. So it's not like it's a hardship. I can only imagine they have some sort of phobia or simply don't realise the importance due to their upbringing. Absolute dealbreaker for 99% of women surely though?!

I briefly saw a woman whose ex had funky teeth. In the course of some standard FB stalking I found a video on his wall of him removing one of his dodgy front teeth with a pair of pliers. That'd be a deal-breaker for me.

It would be awful if you left him because of it - but didn't tell him.

You're missing your chance when you've seen the gums bleed. Next time, you leap in and say, "Omigod, sweetie, it looks like your gums are bleeding! When's the last time you went to the dentist? You know that bad teeth/gums can actually kill you, right?"

There's a good chance his response will be that he doesn't like dentists. Then you say, "No one likes dentists! That's not the point. When you're an adult you do what needs to be done. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to notice a breath problem, too. Do you have a dentist, or do you want to go to mine?"

A roundabout way of broaching it (my dentist told me this) is to say ‘did your mum or your sister ever talk to you about your oral hygiene?’ because a male friend would rarely say something.

Tell him. In a kind way, and it will either improve because he wants to be with you, or it will offend him and he will leave, either way it’s better. Good luck!!

Omg sorry but I’d end things! Teeth hygiene is so important and hardly a time consuming task!

How come you got as far as bed and a two month relationship with this guy . If his teeth really are that bad most people would run after one date .

Sounds like a heavy metal band 🤣

Yep, she's amazing, it was a comment during a general chat about levels of dental care. That practice has done wonders for my teeth.

Poor dental hygiene can cause issues with the heart, so it's really important.

As @Chazbots says it is detrimental to heart health.

Say you've noticed his gums bleed and he really should get a hygienist appointment ASAP for his health.

I'm reckoning he's scared for dentists too.

It's a baybye from me. How did you get to two months in?!?!

eek the stories here.

I think you need to have a very honest but kind conversation.

if he can’t change I don’t think you are going to accept this. And I don’t blame you.

Yes, it’s the OP’s behaviour here which is far more baffling to me than Mr Minging — she’s freely entered into a two-month relationship with someone whose poor dental hygiene makes her not want to kiss or sleep with him, and whom she’s ashamed to introduce to friends and family. How did it get past the first date?

I said that OP will never overcome this. The 'this' being the ick she feels about this issue. If her partner takes responsibility and gets it sorted then great, but my argument was that this isn't something she will, or should, be able to turn a blind eye too if he doesn't. Plus I personally found the fact that I had to speak to my ex about brushing his teeth quite the turn off, so that may also be a factor. Hope that helps.

How could you possibly ever know that OP could ‘never overcome this issue’ either? She's asking for assistance on it, after all.

Not only that, I would assume they HAVE kissed and probably slept together if they’ve been in a relationship for 2 months. I mean how can one be in a relationship for a few months without at least kissing elaborately numerous times and being very physical??

My bf when I was younger had bad teeth. I realised really that it stemmed from his lack of confidence in many areas of his life (he was a bit shit at looking after himself - he lost his Mum young and his Dad wasn't much of a supportive figure so I think he had just been muddling through his early adulthood and needed some support to build good habits). I realised he was feeling scared to visit the dentist as he knew his teeth had got bad but he was worried about tackling it and what they would say to him. It took a while but I gently encouraged, showed him where my dentist was, and after a while he booked himself an appointment. He said they were great with him - he told them he was nervous and they really put him at ease. They did plaque removal with anaesthetic injections. I remember he met me for lunch after the first session and was so proud to show me his bottom teeth with all the plaque removed. It was like a visible weight had been lifted off him. Once he had got the ball rolling and had seen the results, there was no stopping him, and he kept up regular appointments after that.

Sometimes people just need a hand to make that first step, and it doesn't necessarily have to be a complete red flag. We split up later on but it wasn't to do with his teeth.

I'm not an incel, I'm a slim woman in good shape from a background of poverty who has seen alot of family members struggle with having bad teeth and seeing HOW people talk about it grosses me out when I see countless mounjaro threads and see what people look like on this forum on rare occasions they post themselves in style and beauty... have bad teeth as a boundary - that's fine, it's just offputting how many people treat it like leprosy when there are so many fat ugly wrinkled people out there that teeth are often the point they draw a line at. I think fat people smell alot of the time, just like bad breath does but it would be distasteful to go into detail of how once I kissed a fat man and he stunk of onions and couldn't breathe quietly.

Oh stop it.

Sorry mate, but you are definitely an icel. Women don’t write like that.

Oh my God, he could've passed on any kind of infection to you by kissing you. How could you bear him to kiss you?