New boyfriend, bad teeth help!

[muchadoaboutteeth]

I’m in a bit of a situation and could really use some advice on how to sort this out. Have name changed because it’s a bit embarrassing, but have been here for years!

New bf (of 2 months) is lovely. He’s attentive, caring, kind, funny, good job and attractive, but (and please don’t flame me) he has terrible teeth and it’s really hard for me to look past.

It’s not just that they’re a little crooked (which I don’t really care about), but they are badly stained, and (warning, this is gross) I can smell some sort of weird cavity or decay smell and it completely puts me off him. A couple of times we’ve been talking and his gums have actually been bleeding a little! He’s very touchy-feely in a normal new relationship way, but it’s starting to effect our intimacy as I just can’t kiss him and I don’t want him kissing me at all- the thought of it is seriously off-putting.

I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

There’s not really a way to approach this without upsetting him is there? I want to be with him, but I honestly can’t bear kissing him! Is it worth just biting the bullet and saying he needs to sort it out? I’m seriously considering ending it- but that’s so shallow and I really like him!

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Get rid it's not going to get any better OP .

This.

ETA Also, how have you made it to two months???

Leave this man!

Rank! Don't be with a grown up that won't even brush his teeth. I bet he's lacking in other hygiene practices too.

Hell no. Fuck that if he can’t even keep his teeth clean.

How come he's staying over if you can't bear to kiss him? 😷

You are a better person than me as i also would have ran a mile when he smiled at me for the first time.

I must be shallow too then op because it would be a deal breaker for me. It made me feel queasy reading your post.

I don’t mean to be harsh but how did you even get interested in him though? Nothing wrong with crooked or even a few bad ones as long as they’re sorting any disease but to not clean the teeth no thank you.

No kissing 🦷

Honestly if you really like him otherwise, I’d have a chat before you end it.

I know it’ll be awkward and difficult. Ask Chat GPT to help, they’re very good with this kinda thing. Even a trip or two to the dentist/hygienist will likely improve things.

As an aside, I’d be worried that his knob was equally as dirty.

I used to know a lovely and very intelligent man who had very gnarled ugly teeth.

He met an ex-dental nurse who was quite pushy in nature (but in a good way), and she persuaded him to have them all sorted out and capped.

He did, and the transformation was incredible.

Google says this…
“While gum disease itself isn't directly contagious like a cold, the bacteria that cause it can be spread through saliva. This means you can potentially develop gum disease if you have close contact with someone who has it, especially if you share utensils, drinks, or have saliva-to-saliva contact like kissing”

Oh god, this is so bad. I’ve been brushing my teeth about 10 times a day just because the thought of it is grossing me out.

I just don’t get it- he showers regularly, clean clothes, hair, nails etc. His house is very clean (and not in a ‘I’ve got someone coming over way’) he’s very neat and tidy. But the teeth are a MAJOR problem.

I suppose I’ve just noticed more as we’ve started to have nights over, and now I can’t not focus on his mouth.

I’m going to have to say something though. This can’t go on- I’ve started making excuses already about not sleeping with him because of it. And I know this is bad, but I don’t want him to meet my friends/family because they will notice and I’m embarrassed!

I’m going to try the suggestion above and being direct but kind- in a sort of ripping off the plaster kind of way. Off to chat gpt some suggestions now!

I wouldn’t have made it this far tbh. Either be upfront, grim and bear it or you’ll have to end it

Dental hygenist told me it always surprises her that beautifully turned out people will sometimes have minging teeth, like black with terrible tongue microbiomes.

Some (please note I said some) men can be quite basic. So if you say “ Dave, if you want me to shag or even kiss you, you have to actually clean your teeth” they will. Religiously. Whether or not you want to have a relationship with a man who needs to be told to clean his teeth is another matter.

This. I’m amazed you got to 2 months. Have you been having sex without kissing and in positions where you can’t smell his breath?

It’s kind to be cruel…put it this way if you don’t like it then 99% of other women won’t either. He needs to be told. Teeth and shoes are usually the first things most people look at, it tells a lot about someone.

I am sure you can “sandwich” it in some nice comments about how much fun you have together, things in common, great connection, same aspirations but there is one thing holding you back…

Sounds like he has gum disease. He needs to see a dentist ASAP before he loses all of his teeth.

I have just had this very situation happen to me. Lovely guy, very attentive etc, but as time went on it became very obvious that he didn't brush his teeth, his gums were almost black, his teeth very stained, and I could smell his mouth whenever we were close, especially in bed. Got to the stage where I didn't want to kiss him or be intimate, it also made me wonder about which other parts of himself he neglected to clean. I tried to arrange for him to go to the dentist etc, would mention cleaning his teeth, but he wasn't interested and just wouldn't take the initiative. In the end I felt like his mum and between that and some other issues relating to a general lack of ability to look after himself, I ended it. I now feel so at peace and relieved knowing that I don't have someone else's son to try and raise as a quasi boyfriend/child. You'll never overcome this issue so I would suggest you walk away now, sorry OP.

If you really care about him and want the relationship to last (which it sounds like you do?) you are going to have to be honest. There really is no other way.
’look Tom, I’m worried about you and I know this is difficult to hear, but you have to see a dentist about your teeth. I’ve noticed your gums bleed a lot and (taking a deep breath and pulling on your best big girl pants) your breath doesn’t smell good. I’ve also noticed you don’t always brush and floss. I’m telling you this because I really care about you.’

I'd be direct...

I really like you and I see a lot of potential for us. It's hard to stay and probably hard to hear, but dental hygiene is something that's really important to me and I think it might be a good idea for you to see a dental hygienist.

You cant stay with him if he doesnt sort it so nothing to lose.

This. If you’re going to be in a long term relationship with someone you need to talk about the hard stuff. If he takes it seriously then great, if he doesn’t and you’d break up with him anyway, then it’s the same outcome, so it’s worth taking a deep breath and addressing it.

He may have a real dentist phobia, which could be sorted.