New boyfriend, bad teeth help!

[muchadoaboutteeth]

I’m in a bit of a situation and could really use some advice on how to sort this out. Have name changed because it’s a bit embarrassing, but have been here for years!

New bf (of 2 months) is lovely. He’s attentive, caring, kind, funny, good job and attractive, but (and please don’t flame me) he has terrible teeth and it’s really hard for me to look past.

It’s not just that they’re a little crooked (which I don’t really care about), but they are badly stained, and (warning, this is gross) I can smell some sort of weird cavity or decay smell and it completely puts me off him. A couple of times we’ve been talking and his gums have actually been bleeding a little! He’s very touchy-feely in a normal new relationship way, but it’s starting to effect our intimacy as I just can’t kiss him and I don’t want him kissing me at all- the thought of it is seriously off-putting.

I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

There’s not really a way to approach this without upsetting him is there? I want to be with him, but I honestly can’t bear kissing him! Is it worth just biting the bullet and saying he needs to sort it out? I’m seriously considering ending it- but that’s so shallow and I really like him!

Tell him about the bleeding and tell him to go see a hygienist

I could deal with stained teeth but not smelly breath or random bleeding gums

You need to be honest with him & see what he says

@muchadoaboutteeth I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

Why are you dropping hints?

Be direct (note: contrary to popular belief, being direct does not mean being blunt, rude or aggressive). Tell him directly that there is an issue with his teeth and he should see a dentist about this.

I had a car accident at 19yo and smashed my teeth. For 8years I couldn't talk to people without covering my mouth. 5k later I fixed them - changed my life.

I may be shallow but I couldn't even kiss someone with manky teeth no matter how nice they are (the person obvs!) - my BIL is a fantastic guy - brilliant to my sister and their son - but fuck me his teeth are hanging - I don't know how she gets close to him

Nooooo!! Bad teeth are ick territory, unfortunately.

Also, most people are caring, funny and attentive when you start out. Doesn't mean it will last. In the interim, most people want some exciting makeout sessions, at the very least. If it lasts, great! If not, you don't want some hideous tooth decay nightmare, haunting your dreams.

It's horrendous, that at the tender age of 19, you didn't have a dentist to sort out your poor teeth - after a crash of all things! Good for you, for getting them fixed.

Are you with my ex??
I look after my teeth. My dentist told me that people notice eyes first and then teeth.
My ex had ok shaped teeth but they were horribly stained and they aged him. I hoped me looking after mine through regular trips to the dentist, hygienist visits and Invisalign, might encourage him to go too. He went once in the 9 years we were together and that was his first visit in a very long time too. The rest of his hygiene was not great either.

It did put me off kissing him. I used to bring home teeth whitening leaflets from the dentist and leave them where he could see them as a hint.

I hope you can get it sorted, OP. There are some good suggestions on here as to how to manage the conversation and I read at least one post from someone who tackled it and whose now DH did get it sorted out. Not easy though, I know. I did tell mine after 18 months, when he asked why I didn’t kiss him, that his breath smelt really sour (and I did feel really bad about it). He did get it sorted out for a bit.

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

PS My ex split up with me a few months ago, following a mid life crisis. I wonder if he’ll get his teeth sorted out now that he’s back on the market and will have to try to attract a new woman. He didn’t want to do it for me.

Oh gosh XH was like this, never had good dental hygiene drummed as a kid (sister’s OH said she was the same). His brushing was brief and crap (few seconds with a manual brush). Breath wasn’t horrendous but wasn’t greats

Initially he showed willingness to try - went to the dentist with me, tried an electric toothbrush- but when we split he’d been kicked off the dentist’s list for failing to attend and hadn’t seen a dentist since before DD was born (and she was 8!). It was a hint towards his other slovenly ways. The problem with trying to change someone is they have to be willing and many people will slip back into old habits.

If he’s not looking after his teeth (not even brushing them) then what is the rest of his personal hygiene like? I mean does he shower regularly, change his underwear etc?
🤔

Apparently 4 in 10 (I'm not a dentist, but this came up on a training course), and a lot of women end up with bleeding/issues after menopause, so have trouble even if they've previously looked after their teeth well. Some people have bad breath problems after dental surgery that went wrong, and the rest of their teeth/gums end up in a state, and brushing can be painful, and if they're scared after what happened, they might not go back. A lot of people don't have an NHS dentist (after a move, I've struggled to get one myself). There's the old thing about Americans saying we all have awful teeth, and if you read books from the 70s, they say most of us had false teeth by our 40s. Hygiene is another matter, but if OP likes him, might be worth talking to him about it. If he takes offence and breaks it off, well, if she doesn't want to stay with him anyway, then that's that.

I went on a mini break with a man once whose breath was so outrageously bad that every time he spoke it was like having a dog shit posted up my nose. I couldn’t wait to get home and end it. I don’t know how you’ve stuck two months!

Well she sounds professional.

If he doesn’t brush his teeth, despite prompting, and his mouth smells of decaying teeth, he’s obviously not v self-aware. Most people know if their mouth smells bad.

IMHO, you should tell him face to face, and kindly. What you’ve said here. You really like him in every other way. But his dental hygiene is naturally off-putting. Maybe he has a phobia about the dentist, or can’t afford the treatment, but with your support can get it sorted and solve the problem. And then you’ll be grand.

If he dismisses it, then you’ll have to leave it there. He shouldn’t expect someone to kiss him if he doesn’t clean his teeth or get dental treatment.

NHS dentists weren't inverested - went private and got them sorted - lovely dentist BTW and not an ounce of pain. He was expensive and had his own private plane for pleasure but he was a genius.

All mouths are dirty no matter how much you clean, they contain bacteria.

To be honest I'll never kiss another man again in between picking nose eating it, smelly breath, arse scratching and sniffing just count me out.

The anaesthetic used at the dentist isn’t effective in some people (can’t get into nerves properly or nerves not in regular place) which obviously puts them off ever going back as any treatment is excruciating. This was the case with my partner who was not brought up to brush properly and has only ever gone to emergency dentists. He’s done his best taking care of his teeth but with age inevitably issues arose with his gums and meeting him at 50 that was obvious to me. He’s otherwise an amazing man and takes great care of his appearance. I’ve a brilliant dentist and it took me speaking to the dentist to explain his worries ahead of telling him very directly (a bit upsetting for him) to go to get fixed. Very careful hygienist appointments very regularly has been transformative but needed to be taken slow due to the pain. I did have to spell it out for him- kindest thing to do. You need to be clear and honest.

If you can’t bear kissing him, what have you been doing till now? And how do you think this is going to develop? What exactly about him is giving you butterflies if kissing him is gross? (Which I totally get, bad dental hygiene and rotting cavities smell would make me 🤮).

Back when I was single I had a male friend who was kind, funny, nice looking. I might’ve been interested but his teeth were terrible, and like your guy OP it was a hygiene issue rather than a dental issue. They were visibly furry and stinky. There’s no way I could ever have countenanced kissing him, so it never went beyond a friendship, even though I had a clear idea he’d have liked more. As would I, were it not for the hygiene.

super furry stinky teeth

I'd be put off by this too @muchadoaboutteeth if he's not brushing his teeth what else isn't he cleaning. It's a done deal for me Im afraid. He gets his hygiene sorted or he takes a hike. There's nothing shallow about this. He's exposing you to all sorts of nasties. Yuck!

OP if you say his hygiene is otherwise good ie washing regularly, clean nails etc then I feel as though the dental hygiene is a red herring and maybe don’t give up on him just yet.
I worked as a dental nurse for 15+ years and it’s possible he’s maybe had a short period of not looking after his teeth so well for whatever reason (his own mental health for example as suggested by PP) If this is the case then it could be that he has slightly neglected cleaning his teeth initially, his gums will have then become red and inflamed and too painful to clean thoroughly so he has avoided the area and in turn the inflammation has worsened. Its natural to want to avoid causing yourself discomfort and to not want to poke around your gums if you’re making them bleed but what he really needs is a thorough clean or two with hygienist or dentist in order to get him back to baseline and he can then keep on top of it himself from there. If he has a phobia of the dentist (surprisingly common) then this will obviously have fed into the problem. I feel like the poor guy is probably stuck in a catch 22 situation and although I appreciate it’s not pleasant for you to be intimate with him it’s probably worth one last shot to help him out. Good luck!

Surely if he had a dentist phobia as pp have suggested, he’d be more likely to brush his teeth, in order to prevent dental problems in the first place?

I doubt you can really do much here - if he has never bothered brushing his teeth regularly, he’s unlikely to start now. When I first read your OP all I thought about was the other potential unwashed places and smegma 🤢 so I was glad to see that he is otherwise clean and tidy

Some of these posts are a bit horrible. People can end up with troublesome gums and teeth after all sorts; radiotherapy, severe depression, homelessness, pregnancy but some of these posts are saying well if you dress nicely and you have bad teeth you're still a lost cause or you must be dirty in other ways. That's not always true and all sounds a bit hopeless.

There’s a lot of bad breath about at the minute, I’m noticing it more and more and guessing to do with the lack of NHS dentists. I get tonsil stones so recognise the smell instantly and so many people reek of them (I can taste them the second they appear and get rid as I can’t stand them!)

crooked or stained teeth don’t bother me, mine aren’t perfect but brushing and flossing and keeping them clean and not smelling is hygiene