New boyfriend, bad teeth help!

[muchadoaboutteeth]

I’m in a bit of a situation and could really use some advice on how to sort this out. Have name changed because it’s a bit embarrassing, but have been here for years!

New bf (of 2 months) is lovely. He’s attentive, caring, kind, funny, good job and attractive, but (and please don’t flame me) he has terrible teeth and it’s really hard for me to look past.

It’s not just that they’re a little crooked (which I don’t really care about), but they are badly stained, and (warning, this is gross) I can smell some sort of weird cavity or decay smell and it completely puts me off him. A couple of times we’ve been talking and his gums have actually been bleeding a little! He’s very touchy-feely in a normal new relationship way, but it’s starting to effect our intimacy as I just can’t kiss him and I don’t want him kissing me at all- the thought of it is seriously off-putting.

I’ve noticed that when he stays over he didn’t brush his teeth before bed and I made a big show of going to do mine and saying things like ‘I’ve left the lights on- can you switch them off when you've finished your teeth’. I’ve tried bringing up dentists in casual convo- ‘oh, I must get booked in for a check up, I haven’t been for ages. How long has it been for you?’ but he’s just not getting the hint.

There’s not really a way to approach this without upsetting him is there? I want to be with him, but I honestly can’t bear kissing him! Is it worth just biting the bullet and saying he needs to sort it out? I’m seriously considering ending it- but that’s so shallow and I really like him!

You are not shallow! It is perfectly correct that you have standards. I feel a bit sick reading about him so I dread to think about how you are feeling.

How on earth would would know that the guy could ‘never overcome this issue’. You’re projecting.

i have had this problem with someone I loved very much . It never got better, I just don’t think he could smell it . He went to the periodontist and it went away for a bit but it came back. We broached it but he just didn’t see it as a problem . I remember once his gums were bleeding , it’s a smell like no other . Perhaps it’s the same guy .. great job London area …

This is a personal hygiene issue. It would put me off before we even started dating .

Ask him if he feels ready to open up to you. Then pull a flashlight out and have a good look at what's going on inside his mouth...

Good advice, but I did laugh at the unfortunate phrase "it’s worth taking a deep breath..." Maybe not just yet though (sorry OP!)!

I thought that too!

If he's clean and tidy in every other way, are you sure it's because he's not brushing his teeth?

Periodontal disease can be hereditary. When I was working as a dental nurse, we saw several patients who lost teeth due to this, no matter how good their dental hygiene was.

Either way, I think you need to have a chat with him about it, or cut your losses and end the relationship.

I feel sick reading this!

What does ETA mean on here? I only know it as “ Estimated Time of Arrival “

The thing is he knows he has terrible neglected teeth and poor dental hygiene You don't need to tell him. How could he not know this?

The question is: why did you choose to overlook his choice of his to neglect himself in such a clear and obvious way?

I would end it and tell him why. But I could not, and would not, continue the relationship with tjis man.

I don't know what age he is as you don't say, but I am not going into any relationship where I need to tell someone to clean their teeth.

I have raised my kids already. I only want a relationship with an adult. If I have to explain or tell a partner to brush his teeth it is not a relationship of equals.

edited to add

Tell him he'll get Alzheimer's/heart problems if he has poor oral hygiene.

It's not shallow. You could get severe infections from him.

💯 because just imagine, if you stayed together, and what he'd be like as he aged. 🤮

Playing devil's advocate, I went through a phase of severe depression where I neglected myself very badly. Brushing my teeth was one of them, and I stupidly got a tongue bar which destroyed several of my teeth meaning they're missing (they're not front ones but they're in my smile line)

I'm desperate to sort them, as it makes me feel so self conscious but have a fear of the dentist. I'm planning on getting implants once the roots have been removed. I feel for your OH, however saying that my teeth aren't as bad as having bad breath or bleeding gums when we kiss. I brush regularly now to whiten them.

If it's down to being idle then yes it sounds like he needs telling. If you have the ick then it's all down to preference and how you feel. My advice would be if it's a deal breaker (which it sounds like it is) then walk away sooner than later. I think if I was getting the ick everytime me and my OH kissed then I'd need to either pipe up or end things.

He may have tonsil stones as well as these cause awful breath. I would explain that you have hopes for the relationship and enjoy being with him but he needs to go to the dentist for a checkup as his breath is off putting. You may as well tell him to give him chance to improve.

Wow! My very newly ex after 11 years has this problem, maybe worse! He was never told by his mum to brush his teeth so was never in the habit although at 38 you’d think he’d want to do it! They were ok at first but obviously as years have gone on and he hasn’t done anything about it, continues to drink coke like there’s no tomorrow he’s teeth are ruined, broken, missing and painful. I pleaded with him to at least mouth wash and brush his tongue as his teeth are now painful but he just isn’t bothered!!! One of the many reasons I can’t be with him now. I didn’t kiss him for the majority of our relationship. I stayed because I don’t think I’m worth anything but that’s another story. He is just pretty gross in general. Nice as pie when you meet him but of course I know better! The hygiene thing disgusts me, we’d argue a million times over it but obviously it was my fault I was ‘going on’ I felt like his mum. If this man isn’t interested in sorting it asap you ask him/suggest you make an appointment (again it’s like being his mum) then there’s no hope like you say you can’t introduce him to anyone because it reflects bad on you. I completely get it.

He's not got 'bad teeth' he's got bad hygiene which is completely different. Bad teeth you can't always help, in spite of everything you do right. Bad hygiene is a choice you make.

I’ve just booked both my sons dentist appointments on the back of this thread.. they are 21& 18 and left to them they simply don’t go, it’s been 12 months.

How did he make it to your bed????

My ex was like this and it turned out to be flaming warning sign for a whole host of other bullshit. I can't see how any poor hygiene needs tolerating honestly.

How much do you weigh?

My now DH had terrible teeth when we started dating. Visible plaque, bleeding gums the lot. He didn’t have good oral hygiene at all but everything else was great so it didn’t bother me that much. When we had been seeing each other for around a year or so I made myself a dentist appointment and told him he needed to go too - it turns out he had a real phobia of the dentist and had been actively avoiding going for the last 8 years! I went with him and ended up going in with him for his appointment where he got a lot of treatment done and was diagnosed with gum disease. He now goes every 6 months and his dental health is a million times better.

It’s up to you if you can put up with it or not, but if you feel like you really like him (this aside) and can see a future together I would suggest talking to him about it and suggesting he goes to see the dentist. Aside from anything else gum disease can have far more serious consequences for his overall health. I’m definitely glad I didn’t end things with my DH over something so small - we’ve been happily married over 10 years and have amazing children now.

Good god, i can't stand the feeling of a dirty mouth and teeth. I can't even drink diluting juice because I feel it puts a fur coat on my teeth and I hate it. ...wonder how thick his teeth fur coat is if he doesn't brush ever. Yuck!! 🤢