Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

It would be instant divorce for someone who didn't let me read. That on its own is completely intolerable behaviour.

Goes mad if you read, of all things?? What kind of medieval nonsense is that?! He sounds unhinged.

I get that it's daunting, but remember, countless people leave abusive relationships all the time. It can absolutely be done. There are processes in place for this sort of thing, and you and your children will be happier the other side x

My ex didn't like me reading. He said it 'shut him out' but what he really mean was that he was pissed off that I wanted to read a book as opposed to constantly pander to him and watch his stupid violent action movies with him.

The upshot is that I ditched the man, not the books.

@Confusednut please please for God’s sake do NOT say anything to him until after you and the kids have gone. As others have suggested, make a doctors appointment, tell your doctor and make calls to Council, Women’s Aid etc from there. And I’ll repeat - make sure your phone is locked, change your passwords on every device, delete your history. I’m genuinely scared how he’ll react to finding out , but best case is he’ll be overwhelmingly controlling and you might not be able to withstand it. You need someone on your side IRL to be holding your hand right now.

Please contact women’s aid OP they will help you.

You don’t need support, OP, if what you’re doing is cutting loose the dead weight that’s dragging you under. If you can just cut the rope you’ll float to the surface all on your own. And it sounds like your kids will have your back.

Think how light and free your life will be without him in it - going home to a peaceful pleasant atmosphere, suiting yourself, eating, reading and watching whatever you want, only going to bed when you feel like it.

We get one precious life. Don’t waste the rest of yours shackled to this abusive cunt.

For the sake of your children get him out but first report him to the Police, they won't arrest him but it means you will have his behaviour logged. Get in touch with a domestic abuse charity as they will give you the advice you need. Make you have copies of all the paperwork you need and ask a friend to keep anything that is precious to you. See a solicitor on a free half hour basis then tell him you want a divorce. He won't take it well so have someone on standby.
You can do this. Just picture that bookcase full of books and the space and peace to read them.

My ex seemed to have a problem with me reading too! As I wasn't showing him enough attention 🙄 same if I took too long of a bath - we would be out and he would openly complain about it with friends!! Thankfully they joked it off and said their girlfriends were the same. Like let me relax in my own home..
Same if I prepared my baking stuff, he would drag me out of the house to hang out with him and his friends and would make me feel bad if I refused. I literally felt I had no down time of my own. So unfortunately not much advice, it didn't work in the end as my life had to revolve around him.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

An older woman I know raised a family while quietly defying her husband's attempts to control her this way. It sounds like a very stressful way to live but she didn't have a lot of options (I'm talking previous generation).

Personally I can't see a better way out for you than to leave, but I know that won't be easy either.

Sorry, I should clarify I meant you don’t need support to make the decision to leave. Just resolve in your own head that you’re going, and start quietly taking practical steps towards that.

Of course contact Women’s Aid and anyone IRL who can give you assistance and information. There are loads of threads on here with tons of ‘to do’ lists and advice for women in your position. I hope you can find the strength to get out x

I left my controlling ex once I noticed the children were becoming aware of his control. Ultimately, I realised I was modelling "love" and would be devastated if they carried that forward into their relationships.

I made plans, and then ended things. Ita now over 13 years later (12 with no contact, his choice after I insisted on text/email noy telephone where he could threaten me) and I'm really happy. He still tries to control the narrative with our now adult kids (the ones who see him) but they know the score.

Go to women's aid if youre not sure how to go about this. They helped me (in my relationship there was no physical violence, only drinks in my face, threats). I was able to make plans and get advice on how to move forward, including legal advice from them.

But a cheap phone with pay as go SIM card. Get all your documents together and make a plan to leave.

Present him with the two options.

Pack in the controlling behaviour immediately or get a divorce. No in between and make it a condition of the relationship continuing. It’s unlikely he’ll stop so I’d prepare yourself to walk away which sounds like it will be the best thing as he sounds like a horrible, controlling arse.

People will treat you however you allow them to. This is why it’s crucial to make it clear what behaviour you will/won’t tolerate early on in a relationship. The emotionally/mentally/physically abusive ones will usually bugger off early doors as soon as they realise they can’t control you. Keep your boundaries absolutely watertight if you want to live your life free of nonsense. As soon as you start letting a few things slide they see what else they can get away with and so it begins.

Do you have any friends or aunts or anyone you could stay with temporarily?

The advise for this is while he us at work. Go to the C.A.B as for tracking leave your phone at home. There is lots of help for women in abusive relationships. Do you own or rent your home? You need to get yourself a solicitor, if you don't work you may be entitled to financial help.
I would also suggest purchasing a cheap second PAYG mobile for dealing with the divorce. But you do need to have a safe exit strategy.

Just wanted to send you support OP. I would never tell someone that I hoped that they got cancer and died - not even someone I didn't like. I would never say anything like that to my partner. It is abusive. Sending you lots of love.

Go talk to your GP. Tell dh you have gynae issues.
Tell gp.
Get advice from local support.
Get everything in order to leave.
Your dd will be very happy to live in a tiny flat with you away from this monster
Follow pp advice about another phone
Do you have your own bank account? If not then set one up online eg monzo. Presume you have your own passport or ID? if not get driving license even provisional acts as ID

P s my ex said the cancer thing
Download why does he dothat lundy bancroft
Some won't apply but much will

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OP if you murdered him and were sent to prison you’d have more freedom than you do now. Obviously I’m not advocating you should do that (though I’d quite like to do it on your behalf!) but to make you think just how tightly this man controls you.

I find the not allowing you to read to be particularly sinister. It’s like he wants to control what you are thinking as well as doing. Totally blatantly. And the gaslighting is on another level.

OP please contact women’s aid. Could you do it by email? You - and importantly the kids - deserve so much better.

In the interim, join the library and spend hours there with your daughter revising and with you reading.
Borrow books.
Scoot around and do chores before reading a couple of hours per day. Read in the car while waiting for kids etc..
Be attentive when your husband is home but get your ducks in order, including finding a job so that you might be able to leave in a couple of years.
Why is husband not fine with you reading while he is doing selfish things on his phone etc?
Good on your daughter!

The cancer comment would be an absolute last straw for me, but tbh even the controlling and not allowing you a life are reasons enough to leave. I'm so glad you're putting plans in place, I know it must feel very daunting and the logistics aren't straightforward, but it will be worth it, your life will be so much better without this miserable controlling excuse for a man. Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

This is a form of domestic abuse—controlling or coercive behaviour is a serious matter.

It’s important to seek support and advice immediately.

Consider reporting this to the police, especially in case the situation escalates further.

Recommending a book to a woman who has told us she’s not allowed to read seems particularly obtuse to me 🙄

I'm a social worker in domestic violence. This is coercive control. He will not change. Please call a DV helpline you are likely eligible for refuge for both yourself and your daughter and/or an ouster order for him.