Husband won’t let me read

[Confusednut]

So been married 16 years…..always been pretty turbulent….now I’m getting older I want my life back and my husband doesn’t like it….not allowed to read, otherwise if I do he goes mad….hates me spending time with our daughter….including helping her revise….cant go swimming or to the gym…..list is endless! I know this is controlling behaviour but what can I do to stop this if anything? I’m actually ready to walk away but thought I’d see if anyone had any ideas to help first

You need to get out. This is an abusive relationship.

@Confusednut
I've just seen your age and that you haven't worked since you were 21.
I'd just like to tell you that I was in abusive violent relationships from 20-35 and when I finally broke the cycle, I was heading for 40, penniless and with almost zero work history or qualifications.

I got help and went to college and then onto university as a mature student. I have also lived peacefully and relatively freely for the past 15 years.

40 certainly isn't too late to start again. For me the cliche 'life begins at 40' was true.

You don't have to go to university or course, it was just an example of how things can be achieved later in life. So please know that there is a life with plenty of opportunities waiting for you

Op the Freedom Programme is often mentioned on here. Maybe look into that?
It is scarey leaving. But your relationship is an example to your dc.. Would they really want you to be so unhappy?

Please get help to leave, it is scary but the alternative is worse. Ignore what he says about the children, it's best for them to be away from him too.

He's the one who is destroying the kids' lives. This is abuse, and 17 years of it means leaving is going to be tough. I wish you all the strength you need for a better life.

You sound v caring you could use the experience with your son's autism to get work. As being a carer is a big skill and would definitely be appreciated in the health care field or special needs field xx

Please contact women’s aid, I used to volunteer for a DV charity.

This level of control even if he has never laid a finger on you. I have real concerns that the loss of control could mean he becomes violent. Do not tell him anything. Speak to them and make sure you do it so he has zero idea, can he get in your phone? You need to use the tools they have to cover your tracks.

Good luck here is the number

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Sorry just saw you said you haven't worked since your early. 20s but you have a good skill set and experience, if your nervous about looking for work xx

@Confusednut
And please ignore all the posters telling you to stand up to him, threaten to call the police, tell HIM to leave and so on.
They clearly aren't taking into consideration the fact he's been abusively controlling you for years.
If you were able to say 'and so what, I'll do what i want', it would never have got to the point you can't leave the house or make phone calls without him knowing.

Do everything secretly for your own safety.

WTAF? He won’t let you read?!?! Oh op this is coercive control and is abuse. Coercive control is a crime. Please, please call 101 and get some advice.

I was in a similar situation just a few weeks ago now.
The moment he realised that I was serious this time (there had been a few attempts to leave in the past but he always sweet talked me back in), his behaviours escalated and became quite scary - in fact, very scary. I had never thought that he would be physically violent but I really believe that I had a lucky escape.
I called the police, I spoke to a solicitor, I spoke to some domestic abuse charities and got myself a counsellor.
Apart from those professional people, I had no support network either - just these amazing people on here.
You can do this - one big scary step and you are on the way to a better life.
We will all be here to hold your hand too 😘

I know he’ll turn it around on to me and that I’m destroying the kids lives….

If you’re worried that leaving will be damaging for the kids, staying will be more damaging to them. You are letting them see it’s ok for their dad to treat their mum like this, to control you and wish you were dead. They will think it’s either ok to do this to others, or allow it to be done to them.

If a man was controlling your daughter like this, would you tell her to stay?

Does he work?

Is there a large age gap between you?

Please reach out to Women’s Aid

The only way to stop this is to leave.

Let those abusive and controlling man be someone else’s problem.

This is no way for you to live.

No amount of talking or therapy will fix him. You can’t change his behaviour. The only thing you can change is how you react to it - which is to walk away.

This is a lovely idea.
A SEND school would bite your hand off.

You may not have paid work experience but you have lived experience, which is even better.

You’ve made the first step, which is admitting to yourself that this is not ok.

You are not an individual because for years you have just been a part of him and you seem to have gone from being a child and told what to do by your parents, to then being with him and being told what to do by him.
You probably don’t know who you even are as an individual.

So it’s not going to be as easy for you to end things but it absolutely can be done.
You are slowly starting to find your inner strength and realise the impact it’s having on your kids.

Keep reminding yourself that you are a strong woman and that your kids need to see you in this light too.

I would speak to women’s aid and work out the best steps to take.

You will get benefits so a job isn’t a top priority right now but having a job may actually give you some independence and confidence to remind you that you are an individual, rather than an extension of someone else.

Keep writing on mumsnet and speaking to women’s aid.

You spent your 20s and 30s living in someone else’s shadow.
Don’t waster your 40s doing the same.

I assume that you do not live in Afghanistan, where the Taliban do not allow females to have an education.

Ultimately, your DH is treating you the same as these poor females.

Therefore, you need to fight for your freedom & the freedom of your children.

Contact Womens aid

You deserve a better life

Your children deserve a better life

If he a got location turned on leave your phone at home and go out.

It is likely that your daughter wishes you could all leave him.

Please get support from a domestic abuse service. If you can't safely contact them, see if school can help set up a meet or via GP etc.

I agree with seeking outside support but please be prepared for the possibility that as you have a child at home there may he a safeguarding referral made on the grounds of emotional abuse and domestic abuse. I don't know, based on what you have said, if it would actually meet their threshold, especially as your youngest is already 14, but the GP etc might think it did and make a referral they would have to investigate. How old is your son with additional needs, under 18?

I don't say this to scare you, just something to consider. Their intervention might be something you would welcome and could be a big help in getting you out if they see you want to leave and offer assistance. However they could contact your daughters school and so on as part of the enquiries and it's something to consider.

The reason professionals would be worried is because of what you already know - your home environment is abusive and it is damaging to raise children within such a home life. They would be concerned what your child has been exposed to - heard, seen, the atmosphere- how your husband treats her and how his abuse impacts your ability to parent. Coercive control is criminal behaviour and that is what is happening. Please don't decide not to seek help in case of professional escalation.

I wish you well OP, I'm so sorry youhave suffered like this. You deserve much better.

The things that your H objects to - reading, swimming, the gym, spending time with your DD and helping her revise - are all about doing things that give you pleasure, and/or help you improve or extend yourself or someone else. None of them are about paying obeisance to whichever god your H thinks he is. You can't give any of them up without making yourself smaller and nothing you do will be enough to appease him. So work instead on your exit strategy. You'll need one so that you can extricate yourself and your DC from your situation as safely as possible. Women's Aid will be able to advise, but the idea re a burner pay-as-you-go phone that some pps have mentioned is a good start. Just make sure H doesn't know about it.

If your H hasn't been directly, physically violent so far, it's because he's confident that his coercive control of you is doing the job of keeping you where he wants you. It's a delusion of course, but as long as his hubris keeps it in place, it protects you. The minute he gets a whiff of you fighting back, the delusion starts to melt away and he'll unravel. You really need to well clear of him by then.

Wishing you all the best OP. And for what it's worth, not being 'allowed' to read would have been in my title as well. Where do these creatures find their brass neck?

I haven't read the full thread, but please read this, even skim reading is helpful.

Lundy Bancrofts 'Why does he do this?'
sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf

OP does he work?

Just wondering so we can help you plan how to reach out for support.

Are you due a smear test? I know as a parent carer mine is often left a little late.
Or ask GP to book you in for an annual health check up. They offer these for parent carers, tell him its a new thing.

Go to the smear test/health appointment and tell them you need help.
If he asks why you were there so long just say the appointment was running late.

Or if school have any parent meetings during the day while he is at work, go to the school meeting, and ask to speak to their safeguarding lead. Open up to them, tell them you need help as you've seen now that it is affecting your dd.

Be very careful with your phone and other devices to wipe any history (but leave some if you can so he's not suspicious, keep your usual history).

Another good tip is to make a brand new email address on a server you don't usually use. So if you usually use gmail, make a yahoo one for example. You can use this to email services for support. Make the password one you can remember in your head, but that he won't guess.

Look up local DV organisations in your area, look up your local police DV team, search for any services that might be able to help and email them.

I'm glad you have realised he will never change. Please be very very careful, but do start reaching out and making plans.

Oh and I'd also like to add, I worried the effect on my autistic child of such a big change to his life but he was FINE! Because I was fine. It won't just be your daughter this is affecting, they'll both/all be feeling it. Staying will be worse.

Good suggestions from @Lookuptotheskies You don't have to do this alone, OP - Women's Aid, Refuge, IDVA etc can help you with the practical arrangements to get out. And you do need to - you can't spend your life like this. There is a better life waiting for you and your dcs on the outside of this relationship.