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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong with this one?

97 replies

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 08:11

DH has to get up for work at 5am and yesterday, instead of getting his clothes out the night before, he decided to do it when he got up, turning the bedroom light on and waking me up.

So, when he came in from work last night (bath run and tea on the table), I asked him nicely to get his stuff out the night before instead of waking me like that, to which he replied 'Why can't you do it, you go to bed before me', I retorted that he know which trousers are more comfy etc. We ended up talking quite loudly at each other in front of dd2 , when he said he didn't have time to get them out, I shouted at him that he could do it whilst the bath is emptying etc. He practically threw his dinner on the floor, stormed upstairs and got him clothes, came downstairs, threw them on the sofa and sat down to finish his tea whilst muttering.

Needless to say I thought he was out of order and went to bed. And, for the first time since we have been together we went to bed on an argument. We have not spoken yet.

AND today is a bad day for me as it is 4years today since dad died and I have no support.

Do you think I was in the wrong to ask him to get his own clothes?

OP posts:

eidsvold · 17/01/2005 08:26

not in the least - he is an adult and can take care of those things. You are not his mother.......

My dh always gets his clothes out - and puts them in the spare room ready to iron in the morning. Never even think of asking me to get his clothes out - he prefers to decide for himself what he wears. I might get a burst and iron all of his shirts and then he can decide but it is a rarity....

I just think he was being childish....

sorry to hear that it is a bad day....

anorak · 17/01/2005 08:33

Perhaps he resents being the first to get up! But he'll have to overcome those feelings, it's hardly your fault, is it?

My dh always used to get his clothes out at night and get dressed downstairs. Eventually I built him a huge wardrobe on the landing outside our bedroom, so now he doesn't have to bother. It did take me a while to make him understand that I couldn't just fall asleep again like he does after a disturbance, though.

nailpolish · 17/01/2005 08:39

bubbles, my dh does that too. he even checks his e mail in the bedroom before he goes to work!

but i dont mind cos i can get back to sleep ok in a second when he leaves. and he brings me cup of tea so we have a chat while hes getting dressed etc.

but i dont think its wrong to ask him to get organised the night before. i thin anorak is right - hes in a bad mood cos he has to get up so early and resents it

FineFigureFio · 17/01/2005 08:44

Bubbles my dh is like this. I put it down to tiredness and take it with a pinch of salt. needless to say he has to sort his own clothes out, i am not his Mother!

lulupop · 17/01/2005 08:57

same here. my dh often has to leavr the house by 6.30am, and although mostly I'm up with the kids by that time, I can guarantee that the one day dh wakes me up getting dressed, that's the day both kids sleep till gone 7.30!

We have had numerous rows about it. I think their attitude is "Oh, she can go back to sleep later, I have to go to work, poor me".

I have a friend who had a shower installed in her downstairs loo and makes her dh shower down there in the morning!

She is very rich though

wild · 17/01/2005 09:07

I go to work first and it p=sses me off but I do always get dressed etc next door and be as quiet as I can. On Sat night dp did not come to bed til 1.45 and put the light full on I was as hell as I am always first to get ds up at weekends too. I think your dh was being really inconsiderate and I'm sure on reflection he'll see that. Bath run and tea on table! he should realise how lucky he is. Anyway sorry about your dad and that you are having a bad day. Maybe dh will suprise you later on. Take care

GRMUM · 17/01/2005 09:10

Does he sleep earlier than you when he has to get up early? If yes, go to bed once he's asleep, switch the light on, read for a bit etc . When he complains tell him its no different to what you suffer in the mornings!

jampots · 17/01/2005 09:19

my dh gets up early too and is out of hte house by 6.30. He is generally pretty quiet in the bedroom in the mornings but then fails miserably by going to the bathroom which is on the same side of the landing as the childrens' rooms and leaving the door open whilst he pee's straight into the water and has a shower etc. When we switch the bathroom light on the extractor fan automatically comes on too so there's a general hum and rush of water coming from there at some ungodly hour. Invariably he will wake ds by doing this. His answer - you should go to bed earlier then you can get up earlier and get more done in the house ! And No, bubbles, you are not in the wrong

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 09:28

Thank you very very much all, I must admit I have been feeling guilty all night, didn't sleep well at all and felt worse when I got up this morning and found that he didn't eat the rest of his tea after I had gone to bed, but, I did hear him laughing quite alot at the television, so he couldn't have been that bothered.

I generally always go to bed earlier than him as I am running round after dd2 all day, plus I work part time and have alot to do with that as well as cleaning and tidything the house. But I don't see why I should get his work stuff ready as I always get something wrong, he has certain trousers which he prefers. Can't do right for doing wrong sometimes.

Don't know whether to ring him or not as we usually always talk first thing in the morning.

OP posts:

PuffTheMagicDragon · 17/01/2005 09:29

Don't think you are being unreasonable at all Bubbles.

It has taken me a long time to train dh and stop him crashing about upstairs when the children are asleep.

ps - be kind to yourself today.

coppertop · 17/01/2005 09:37

He has his tea ready on the table and his bath run and expects you to get his clothes ready for him too????!! At this rate he'll be calling you into the bathroom to ask you to wipe his @rse for him too!

I think he is being very inconsiderate and he should be the one to apologise for taking you for granted.

handlemecarefully · 17/01/2005 09:39

A reasonable request Bubbles. My dh who gets up earlier than me not only gets his clothes out the night before but dresses in a different room to avoid disturbing me. It's called having a bit of consideration for others!

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 09:41

Coppertop

OP posts:

lou33 · 17/01/2005 09:43

I don't think you were in the worng at all, he is being selfish and immature. But tbh even if you were, he should have been more understanding, and realised that your emotions are bound to be very fragile around the anniversary of your father's death.

Hugs to you

amynnixmum · 17/01/2005 09:43

I don't think you should be feeling guilty. Sounds like he was being very inconsiderate. Took years of training before my dh would prepare his things the day before but he does usually do it now. I think he just didn't understand that once he wakes me in the morning I cannot get back to sleep because he can fall asleep in seconds, with the light on and with loads of noise. I do now make his sandwiches most days but only when i am doing the childrens packed lunches and am making sandwiches anyway.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/01/2005 09:43

bubbles you're not out of order at all. I'd personally put his temper down to being tired from work, I've made it a rule never to ask dp anything till after he's eaten and relaxed a bit. Mine like yours also goes to work at 5am and we've had many an argument over trivial things because he's been over tired from work.

Prufrock · 17/01/2005 12:57

Nope - he is in the wrong. You're his wife ffs, not his mum, and with 2 children and a part-time job have more than enough to do already. Hecould easily do it in the time he spends watching TV.
DH gets up at 6.30 and always gets his clothes out the night before. He showers in the guestroom rather than our bathroom so as not to disturb me. I have to admit that I do occasionally get his clothes ready in the evening if he is going to be in late and drunk (we're talking post 11pm here and usually work related entertaining) and he is always hugely appreciative of teh fact I have made an effort to make his life that bit easier - it's definately not expected that I should do it.

weightwatchingwaterwitch · 17/01/2005 12:58

Agree with everyone, he's in the wrong. Sorry about your dad, anniversaries are hard I know. Do whatever you have to to get through it.

SoupDragon · 17/01/2005 12:59

Are you married to a stroppy teenager?

galaxy · 17/01/2005 13:00

I'm always up before my dh and put my clothes in the bathroom the night before. If I have to dry my hair and it's his day off, I also put the dryer downstairs the night before as I well.

As he never gets up before me, I don't know if he'd be as considerate!

You're not wrong. Tell him to grow up.

littlemissbossy · 17/01/2005 13:03

No you were most certainly not in the wrong to request this! how inconsiderate?!
Sending support for your today too x

littlemissbossy · 17/01/2005 13:04

oops should have said "you" not your
must remember to preview

Caligula · 17/01/2005 13:04

You're not wrong, he does sound like a stroppy teenager. Or possibly a man over the age of 70, who expects his wife to wait on him hand and foot because he's the man of the house and is entitled to that service.

I presume he's neither?

Try and relax and be good to yourself today.

ThomCat · 17/01/2005 13:36

He acted like a spoilt kid. You run his bath for him, which is over and above the call of being his partner and then he tells you you should get his clothes out for him, OMG! Of course you're not in the wrong, blimey woman, he'll have you getting up before him to actually dress him next.

So sorry to hear about your dad. hope you're feeling ok.

piffle · 17/01/2005 13:43

a little bit childish of your man...
my dh left this morning at 5am to drive down south for a work meeting
I never heard him leave except when he kissed me goodbye quietly.
He got all his clothes packed and ready last night as well...
Hope you are feeling better now
hugs xxx

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