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Original poster

Am I in the wrong with this one?

97 replies

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 08:11

DH has to get up for work at 5am and yesterday, instead of getting his clothes out the night before, he decided to do it when he got up, turning the bedroom light on and waking me up.

So, when he came in from work last night (bath run and tea on the table), I asked him nicely to get his stuff out the night before instead of waking me like that, to which he replied 'Why can't you do it, you go to bed before me', I retorted that he know which trousers are more comfy etc. We ended up talking quite loudly at each other in front of dd2 , when he said he didn't have time to get them out, I shouted at him that he could do it whilst the bath is emptying etc. He practically threw his dinner on the floor, stormed upstairs and got him clothes, came downstairs, threw them on the sofa and sat down to finish his tea whilst muttering.

Needless to say I thought he was out of order and went to bed. And, for the first time since we have been together we went to bed on an argument. We have not spoken yet.

AND today is a bad day for me as it is 4years today since dad died and I have no support.

Do you think I was in the wrong to ask him to get his own clothes?

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/01/2005 08:24

Sounds like he wanted you to get up and make his breakfast Bubbles! (At least you didn't do that).

I think going to Relate, even on your own, might be very good for you. I hate confrontation as well and know from a previous relationship how difficult it can be to try and communicate calmly with someone who knows that escalating things into a row will effectively get them their own way.

He clearly still hasn't grasped why it's inappropriate for you to be choosing his clothes for him (and try not to get sidetracked in arguments like he knows which clothes are comfier - that's irrelevant) but please don't back down. I think you may have to choose your battles though - asking him not to leave dirty plates in the kitchen and asking him not to wake you in the mornings and reminding him to choose his own clothes all sounds reasonable on paper but put together I think he will just feel nagged at. One step at a time!

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 08:33

Thanks tribpot, he was a bit peeved last night when he came to bed and I hadn't got his stuff out, he started complaining that I hadn't washed his works jacket, even though he has two, he found the other one and the mucky one will be washed and dried by the time he gets home from work today.

He has also left instructions on what he would like for his tea, but, I know for a fact, I will be the one preparing it, cooking it (not eating it as I am on a diet) and then having to do the washing up in the morning because he needs to 'reserve his energy'. He has also asked that his bath is run so that he can jump in as soon as he gets home and he can have 10 minutes with the kids, but, I am NOT going to do it, then, he can get his work clothes out for tomorrow whilst it is running.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/01/2005 08:48

Jesus. (Sorry, that was the only thing I could think reading your last message Bubbles). I'm intending to return to work after I've had my baby, dh will be a stay-at-home dad. I'm definitely going to take a leaf out of Mr Bubbles' book and ask for the bath to be run for when I get home (Can just imagine the expression on dh's face - he's been at home looking after a baby all day and I demand he runs the bath for me?!)

My guess would be that he does quite a manual job, so probably is pretty physically tired at the end of the day? My brother is a bricklayer and I know he's shattered by the time he gets in (no chance of my sister-in-law running a bath for him but he is let off nappy duties during the week).

To be honest, I can't see why on earth you should cook him something different from what you're having. Assuming you're not on Slimfast or similar, I would guess whatever you're having for tea is a perfectly nutritious meal? I'd object on principle to having two lots of pans to wash up, never mind anything else!

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 09:16

Your right tripbot, it is a very manual job, sometimes he doesn't even get chance to sit down and have his lunch. And, they are 12 hour shifts, I am going to have a chicken stir fry, he is a very very fussy eater and won't eat that as it has peppers in it.

He is very awkward, don't knwo why I put up with it to be honest.

OP posts:
munnzieb · 26/01/2005 09:30

no, My DH always gets his clothes out/ takes them off in the spare room, then again thou all his work clothes are in the spare room cupboard, but if i'm asleep when he gets up he'll tak the dogs out with him and close our bedroom door, let them out for a pee and get dressed himself then he'll creep in to give me a kiss b4 going to work. this way works for us, and in return I do it for him. (we're both grumps if we're woken up b4 we have to be on a day off)

munnzieb · 26/01/2005 09:33

and for the washin thing, my DH is in the forces and has fris of work, (i'm at work) and when I get in he'll have the house done and dinner started, he washes his own work clothes on a fri other wise they don't get done until I have time (he know's this thou) he also irons all his own work stuff (I point blank refuse it) the only time I run him a bath is when he comes home from excerise. HTou there is always a cup ready for coffee when he comes in and dinner on the table by 6pm then he'll do the washing up b4 vegging out on the sofa, (don't think I'd cope v well thou if he expected it of me)

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 09:36

Wish I could get DH to be considerate like your dh, I think mine has that old fashioned mentality of the fact that because i'm a SAHM I don't work and when he is on his days off, they are exactly that, doesn't seem to realise that I NEVER get a day off, even if I go into town to meet a friend for coffee I have to take one or both of the kids with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 09:37

He tends to bring up the comment I once made before we got married, that I would LOVE to keep a tidy house for him and look after him and his children, but, like I say to him, there is a different between looking after him and his children and being taken for granted, which is what I feel. Tried to mention it the other day and had a row.

OP posts:
munnzieb · 26/01/2005 09:48

would he at least take the children out for a couple of hours on a sat morning or something for you, if you sell it to him so that it looks good for him, and not soemthing you will benifit from he might go for it, ie/ tell him the little freddie (or whatever) would like to spend some time with his daddy, and play some foot ball?? might work? Could you manage a video or something once the children are in bed? the effort really needs to come from him I think thou, not you.

(my DH is only so considerate because of his Army back ground I think,)

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 10:45

DD1 goes to ballet on a saturday morning, and, when he is off work he will take her, but, won't take the youngest, as he says 'its too much hassle', I honestly don't know what he thinks I do when he is at work and I take both of them.

As for watching a video when the children are in bed, he monopolises the television and watches alot of sci-fi, etc, so any videos have to be watched either after these when its late, or in two parts, before and after the programme. He is a good man and would do anything for any of us, but he is quite childish and obnoxious in his ways, he seems to think that he comes first, not his children and either can't or won't understand how I feel taken for granted.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 26/01/2005 15:23

hello bubbles, those mumsnetters of old will know that I spent 7 yrs married to someone who behaved in a similar manner to your DH. Somehow, you HAVE to work out a way of restoring some equilibrium within your relationship. You are just as deserving as he is and shouldn't be treated like his servant. IMO, talking to men like this is largely a waste of time, for them actions speak louder than words. Take a bit of time and think what you would like to change - obviously not everything at once - and start doing small to make it happen. For example, how about running his bath & asking him to run yours when he's finished? Along the lines of "I like doing things for you & I like you doing things for me too!"
Don't really know how you are going to do it, but I feel you should - otherwise you will really start to dislike him!

Bozza · 26/01/2005 15:41

But Bubbles he would not "do anything for you" - he would not get his clothes out the night before so as not to disturb you, for instance. And there is quite a lot of other things that he would not do that you have detailed on this thread.

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 15:42

Thanks bugsy, I will, I am starting to dislike him, hopefully I haven't left it too late to try and change things.

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 15:43

Yes Bozza you are right, I just wish I could make him understand more, but the saying 'head and brick wall' springs to mind.

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/01/2005 15:43

Good advice from Bugsy I think - Bubbles, hope you're feeling a bit better now, I saw your other post

As to saying your dh would "do anything for you", if that were really true how come he won't even do his own washing up?! Sorry, I don't want to suggest that I think dh is a bad person, I think he's doing what all of us would do if we could - let someone else do the dirty work (literally!).

I hope you can get some balance back into your marriage, particularly - and I hope this doesn't sound too mean - because of the example you're setting to your kids. I'm sure the reason my brothers are all fairly liberated new men is the fine example of my step-father, a man who worked a LOT of hours each week and still had time to make his own yoghurt, bread AND do the grocery shopping. (I have no idea how my mum persuaded him to do that, except she really hates doing it). Now he does an excellent line in chutney and jam, yummy.

Anyway, bit sidetracked by thoughts of jam but I really do hope you can work things out.

Take care.

moondog · 26/01/2005 15:49

Bubbles,reading this with mouth open in disbelief.....
Was he like this before you had kids/before you were married I wonder?
What is his dad/best friend/male he most admires like around the house? Do you know?
Does his mother have any idea of how he is as a husband and father?

EnlightenedFlum · 26/01/2005 15:57

Sounds like he had a majorly bad day and you caught the brunt of it.

Trouble is the more you do the more they kind of expect isn't it.

I would try very gradually and discretely withdrawing the kind services you do for him.

eg, be out, when he comes home etc a few times a week

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 16:38

Before we had kids and got married he used to spend all his time at work and in the pub. His step dad does absolutely NOTHING round the house at all, expects everything to be done for him etc. His mother is very very old fashioned and says that women should do everything, so I'm in a no win situation at the minute

OP posts:
sparklymieow · 26/01/2005 16:43

go to the local chartity shop and pick up the most gross shirt and trouser you can find and lay them out for him

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 17:06

SM, I like that idea lol, or itching powder in his kegs/

OP posts:
munnzieb · 27/01/2005 09:58

that really is where he learnt it from then, thing is thou, unless he starts to help i fear you will become exhausted within your self. never mind the disliking him part, your own health is more important that that, as you need to be there for the children. I'd start off small with the bath idea and see how things progress, how about cups of tea, does he offer to make them? (could you sneek in a few bikkies whilst he's up?)

kama · 29/01/2005 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 29/01/2005 16:07

Thank you, things haven't really improved that much, he came in from work the other night and I hadn't run his bath, he came in banging about and then went to the shop asking over his shoulder if I'd would run him a bath for when he got home. As for his work stuff, I've stopped getting it out for him, but he always asked where it is, thing is, he has a drawer that only has his work stuff in, so where does he expect it to be?

OP posts:
munnzieb · 29/01/2005 16:10

lol, I think the draw things is a case of MEN!!! who needs em! My Dh's the same - wheres my jeans/trainers or whateva, (normally it's where he left them!) lol. hopefully things will improve, did he ask if you needed anything at the shop/ get you even a 30P bar of dairy milk? (or is it 40p these days?)

sparklymieow · 29/01/2005 16:26

sorry but u were the "mindful" wife from wifeswap??? lol!! Or is he the the kept hubby from it!!
I think he watched it and liked the ideas..... hehe!!

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