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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong with this one?

97 replies

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 08:11

DH has to get up for work at 5am and yesterday, instead of getting his clothes out the night before, he decided to do it when he got up, turning the bedroom light on and waking me up.

So, when he came in from work last night (bath run and tea on the table), I asked him nicely to get his stuff out the night before instead of waking me like that, to which he replied 'Why can't you do it, you go to bed before me', I retorted that he know which trousers are more comfy etc. We ended up talking quite loudly at each other in front of dd2 , when he said he didn't have time to get them out, I shouted at him that he could do it whilst the bath is emptying etc. He practically threw his dinner on the floor, stormed upstairs and got him clothes, came downstairs, threw them on the sofa and sat down to finish his tea whilst muttering.

Needless to say I thought he was out of order and went to bed. And, for the first time since we have been together we went to bed on an argument. We have not spoken yet.

AND today is a bad day for me as it is 4years today since dad died and I have no support.

Do you think I was in the wrong to ask him to get his own clothes?

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 29/01/2005 17:51

My dh is like this sometimes - most of the time he's pretty reasonable (for a man) but from time to time he'll do something similar - like the time he didn't wake me (I slept through the alarm) and then informed me that it wasn't his responsibility to get me up in the morning.
You are not in the wrong to ask him to get his own clothes at all - he sounds like he's being a grumpy old man, who's p*ssed off at having to get up first, and dealing with it in a rather immature way. Stick to your guns, girl!

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 15/02/2005 13:53

Guess what? We fell out again over it last night. As I was carrying dd2 to bed he asked where his work stuff was, I told him and he said 'It had better be or I will be waking you up'. We had both been watching Dalziel and Pascoe and he could have easily sorted it in the adverts. ( I did the washing up in the adverts).

Earlier we had been talking about relationships (one of my friends is going through a bad time) and he said he may have blinkers on but he thought ours was no where near that, I then told him I felt taken for granted, to which he replied, he feels taken advantage of because he has to come home after a 12 hour shift and cook his own tea and run his own bath, I explained that all the time we have been together I have never cooked him a meal that he hasn't complained about, ie, not enought tatties, too many tatties, too little gravy, over cooked, under cooked, too much gravy, lumpy gravy etc and that is why I don't do it anymore, so he just turned round and said if I don't tell you you won't know what I like will you , he was being serious too.

I feel he is really taking the Pi** now, I went away last Weds to Sat, he was working weds night, but off thurs and fri, and working sat days, when I got back, ALL the toys were still on the floor, post was all over, not in a pile so I could sort it and the icing on the cake was the breakfast dishes were still in the bowl from Weds morning, he said he didn't do it cos he went out at 12pm on thurs and then on Friday he was far too hungover to tidy round. GIT

OP posts:

noddyholder · 15/02/2005 13:55

you are his partner not his mother!

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 15/02/2005 13:56

Thank you noddy, if only he could see that, is it REALLY taking him for granted expecting him to cook his own meal?

OP posts:

Dior · 15/02/2005 19:44

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 15/02/2005 19:49

I agree, but I don't think it's too much to ask for him to show some respect and appreciation as well.

And this clothes business - Jesus. Words fail me.

motherinferior · 15/02/2005 19:54

Dior, I think the rest of this thread shows just how much BDV's husband expects her to do everything.

Bubbles, he's taking my breath away. I even wondered if he's deliberately pushing you into...er...either blowing up at him or, more likely, doing everything for him.

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 15/02/2005 21:08

Dior, yes I am a SAHM, but I work part time, child care allowing. I cannot cook him a meal that is the same as me and the children as he is a very very finnicky eater, does not eat cooked veg, will only eat certain meats, doesn't like ready meals becuase they usually have a creamy sauce and abhores anything to do with cheese or tomato.

He has come in from work tonight wondering why I am a bit quiet with him. Think I might go to bed now and watch 'The Seven Year Itch', it should stop me from eating too.

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 15/02/2005 21:19

I must admit, he does sound as if he is being a complete a-hole at the mo....sorry if this is the wrong thing to say, but is there is a reason why he's suddenly being like this? Or has he always been this way?

NotQuiteCockney · 15/02/2005 21:23

I think it's reasonable for him to expect a meal, but not a special meal, and not if he's going to moan about it.

I'm hoping I've misunderstood the story about you going away - you went away, leaving him alone in the house with no kids, he had two days off, and didn't even bother doing the breakfast dishes from the day you left?!?! Words fail me. Punctuation marks fail me.

Dior · 15/02/2005 21:44

Message withdrawn

Dior · 15/02/2005 21:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 16/02/2005 08:32

Notquitecockney, yes you got it right, i was away early wednesday till very late saturday and took dd1 and dd2 with me and the toys were still on the floor and the bowls and dried on cereal on the both and were still on the breakfast bar where we had left them.
Paolosgirl, he has got worse over the last few months, but, I think that the fact that he didn't leave home until he was 35 has alot to do with it, he was used to his mother doing EVERYTHING for him, whereas I left home at 19 and was fiercely self sufficient and knew how to deal with bills etc, he hasn't a clue.

OP posts:

Bozza · 16/02/2005 08:48

Bubbles - you are not really a SAHM if you work part time. Your work should be taken into consideration as well as his. Think the breakfast dishes thing, work clothes thing and toys everywhere are just not on. The cooking thing is a bit less clear cut. Because ideally it would make sense (to me at least) for you to cook one meal for all the family but as you say he is very fussy which limits the practicality of this. Also can see why you have had enough of cooking and him complaining about it. Do you never cook for him or just not always?

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 16/02/2005 08:53

I do cook for him, but, if he is at home he comes into the kitchen to say 'I do it like this' etc. He usually gets in from work about 7.30pm and after been up with the kids since 6am the last thing I want to do is start cooking. I would LOVE to be able to cook the four of us a meal and us all sit down together but know that is not possible because of his eating habits.

I have known in the past, I have cooked his meal, he has eaten just over half of it, gone and put it in the bin (he says nothing is wrong with it, he's just had enough) and walk back in with 4 packets of crisps, so obviously I sit there and think 'Why do i bother?'

OP posts:

Bozza · 16/02/2005 09:18

Would do more than just sit there in those circumstances Bubbles - you are very patient. And he has a big attitude problem.

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 16/02/2005 11:53

Lol bozza, that is what one of my friends says, she says she wishes she could do wife swap with me for two weeks.

OP posts:

Caligula · 16/02/2005 12:02

Do you know, if I had come home to that Bubbles, I would have actually started throwing the crockery at the walls, screaming.

Call me over-dramatic, but I'm not joking. I really would have done. And I'd have aimed a few at him while I was about it.

In fact, I'd have thrown them all out into the garden, so I didn't have the clean up the mess (but I'd probably only have thought of doing this half way through throwing the first lot at him/ the walls).

Then I'd have screamed some more, gone to his wardrobe, and started throwing his clothes out the window, while screaming loudly at him to leave.

But hey, I'm not recommending it, it's just what I would have done!

Bozza · 16/02/2005 12:24

Bubbles TBH I just don't think you are getting through to him. He just does not seem to realise that there is a problem with being how he is.

bundle · 16/02/2005 12:28

bdv, could you just cut out the middle-woman and put 4 packets of crisps on a plate for him?

Original poster

BubblesDeVere · 16/02/2005 12:58

Lol, Caligula, believe it or not I feel like it sometimes, but know that if I start I won't stop. AND, he has got a wicked temper and could easily punch his way through the doors and shout louder than me.

OP posts:

californiagirl · 16/02/2005 23:34

If he wants you to know what he likes, why doesn't he tell you what he likes about the meals you cook him? For every thing he likes, he can tell you one he doesn't, as long as he's polite and helpful about it. (i.e. "Ick! This has too much gravy!" is nasty and useless but "The meat is cooked just the way I like it, but I think it would be nicer with about two-thirds this much gravy" is polite and gives you some idea how to fix it.)

But he can still run his own bath and select his own clothes.

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