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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong with this one?

97 replies

BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 08:11

DH has to get up for work at 5am and yesterday, instead of getting his clothes out the night before, he decided to do it when he got up, turning the bedroom light on and waking me up.

So, when he came in from work last night (bath run and tea on the table), I asked him nicely to get his stuff out the night before instead of waking me like that, to which he replied 'Why can't you do it, you go to bed before me', I retorted that he know which trousers are more comfy etc. We ended up talking quite loudly at each other in front of dd2 , when he said he didn't have time to get them out, I shouted at him that he could do it whilst the bath is emptying etc. He practically threw his dinner on the floor, stormed upstairs and got him clothes, came downstairs, threw them on the sofa and sat down to finish his tea whilst muttering.

Needless to say I thought he was out of order and went to bed. And, for the first time since we have been together we went to bed on an argument. We have not spoken yet.

AND today is a bad day for me as it is 4years today since dad died and I have no support.

Do you think I was in the wrong to ask him to get his own clothes?

OP posts:
Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 14:16

We haven't spoken much today, but to be honest after hearing all your replies, it does confirm what I have suspected and what a good friend of mine has said in the past, that I am being taken for granted.

Things will have to change, but I don't know where to start.

Ok today, but a bit weepy, been and got some beautiful flowers in his memory, thought today would be hard on diet as I usually eat when upset, but no hungry and hardly had a thing.

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morningpaper · 17/01/2005 14:31

Unless he is under 5, he is definitely in the wrong. Hugs for your bad day.

Beetroot · 17/01/2005 14:37

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Stilltrue · 17/01/2005 16:15

Bubbles, be kind to yourself; I hope tomorrow will be better for you.
You will have to start in little ways, perhaps, not to be taken for granted. Perhaps show your dh this thread, or would that be too incendiary??
My dh is by no stretch of the imagination a new man, but he would never DREAM of expecting me to lay out his clothes, and tbh it would never occur to me to do so. During the week, my dh is up earlier than me (maybe not by much), and he is always as quiet as possible when getting ready, and in the evenings it's often me asleep first as our ds3 is not a great sleeper and I deal with him at night. Again, dh keeps quiet!! At weekends we get up at similar times, but he always brings me a mug of tea to drink in bed; tell your dh this is a man who works long hours but still manages to show some human kindness to his dw...
I'm sorry but yours has some growing up to do.

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 16:50

Thanks stilltrue.

I think alot of it stems to the fact that he didn't leave home until he was 35 and was used to his mother doing absolutely everything for him, he had never cooked, done his own laundry, got his own clothes out, eaten pasta or paid a bill before he moved in with me, I'd been on my own for 5 years so was very very independant and I suppose I just fell into the routine of dealing with everything. He won't even phone for a taxi because 'he is crap on a telephone'.

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Caligula · 17/01/2005 17:08

Oh dear.

Don't you find it rather wearing, always having to do the grown up bits of running the household?

Don't you ever want someone who will take care of your needs, as well as expecting his to be taken care of?

Men like that sap your energy.

ThomCat · 17/01/2005 17:16

That explains a lot Bubbles. His mother has a lot to answer for. Do you ever get looked after?

Beetroot · 17/01/2005 17:17

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aloha · 17/01/2005 17:21

He asks you to put his clothes out for him!!!??? Do you spoon-feed him too and help him on the toilet? Honestly, talk about learned helplessness. I would laugh if dh suggested anything like this - not that he ever would. Agree his mother has a LOT to answer for and you need to retrain him!

ThomCat · 17/01/2005 17:23

hello back Beety. Im ill at home with tonsilitis and feeling crap how are you?
And hello Aloha

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 18:10

LOL, thomcat and beety why are you whispering, we can still hear you.

No I don't get looked after that often, over christmas and the new year I was very ill with flu and a chest, sinus and throat infection and all I wanted to do was sleep, but he would ask me to look after dd2 whilst he took dd1 to school (the school is over the road) and also I suffer very very bad period pains, so much so that the pain makes me sick and I am on the strongest painkiller the doctor dare give me and he still expects me to run round all day, I have to have blood tests to see if I am anaemic as I am sooooooooooo tired all the time and could easily go to bed anytime from now onwards.

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aloha · 17/01/2005 18:16

Hello TC - sorry you are poorly. And Beetroot - re other thread, how DARE you complain . You are Kate Moss with nicer hair and better lifestyle!
Sorry for thread hijack Bubbles - but I think you get the idea of who we think is in the right here!

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 18:17

Hmmmm, I wonder Aloha , suppose I am too soft for my own good really.

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ThomCat · 17/01/2005 19:08

Oh Bubbles it makes me sad to think of you so tired and being put upon so much. Will he listen to you when you tell him how you are feeling and would he maybe try and help you a bit more?

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 19:50

TC, this has been the same vicious circle since we had the kids, I'll talk to him quite calmly, then he'll start getting all cocky and obnoxious and starts shouting, the more I ask him to keep his voice down the more arrogant he gets until it ends in me crying and us not talking for a couple of days. He will then try and help more but after a few days he slips back into his old ways. Plus I have a part-time job, like I said, which is very active, so that takes its toll on me and I have to put up with this lot. Shouldn't really complain though as there are people far worse off than me.

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 19:50

TC, this has been the same vicious circle since we had the kids, I'll talk to him quite calmly, then he'll start getting all cocky and obnoxious and starts shouting, the more I ask him to keep his voice down the more arrogant he gets until it ends in me crying and us not talking for a couple of days. He will then try and help more but after a few days he slips back into his old ways. Plus I have a part-time job, like I said, which is very active, so that takes its toll on me and I have to put up with this lot. Shouldn't really complain though as there are people far worse off than me.

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 19:50

TC, this has been the same vicious circle since we had the kids, I'll talk to him quite calmly, then he'll start getting all cocky and obnoxious and starts shouting, the more I ask him to keep his voice down the more arrogant he gets until it ends in me crying and us not talking for a couple of days. He will then try and help more but after a few days he slips back into his old ways. Plus I have a part-time job, like I said, which is very active, so that takes its toll on me and I have to put up with this lot. Shouldn't really complain though as there are people far worse off than me.

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 19:51

TC, this has been the same vicious circle since we had the kids, I'll talk to him quite calmly, then he'll start getting all cocky and obnoxious and starts shouting, the more I ask him to keep his voice down the more arrogant he gets until it ends in me crying and us not talking for a couple of days. He will then try and help more but after a few days he slips back into his old ways. Plus I have a part-time job, like I said, which is very active, so that takes its toll on me and I have to put up with this lot. Shouldn't really complain though as there are people far worse off than me.

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 19:51

TC, this has been the same vicious circle since we had the kids, I'll talk to him quite calmly, then he'll start getting all cocky and obnoxious and starts shouting, the more I ask him to keep his voice down the more arrogant he gets until it ends in me crying and us not talking for a couple of days. He will then try and help more but after a few days he slips back into his old ways. Plus I have a part-time job, like I said, which is very active, so that takes its toll on me and I have to put up with this lot. Shouldn't really complain though as there are people far worse off than me.

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 20:52

Ooops reminds me of groundhog day.

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Beetroot · 17/01/2005 21:22

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Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 17/01/2005 21:44

Thank you beety, I must admit tonight he has been all sweetness and light itself, but when I mentioned last night, he said I was nasty to him, when I know for a fact I wasn't, he already has it into his head that I was wrong and I started it.

Thing is, I really do want to be as confident and firm as alot of you sound, but, do everything I can to avoid a confrontation as I am a very emotional person and it can make me ill.

So I really don't know what to do for the best.

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ThomCat · 17/01/2005 22:13

Oh babes, and like Beety says yes you do have every right to complain. You sound like you're taking on far too much.

aloha · 17/01/2005 22:21

Bubbles, IMO he is taking advantage of your hatred of confrontation and using it by starting out so aggressively that he knows you will 'back down' and he will get his way. It's very manipulative and childish (or teenagery). I think you don't have to get angry or shout but be calm and maybe use the 'stuck record' technique of saying the same thing, be it 'You are a grown man and can choose your own clothes' to 'I really can't agree that I was aggressive towards you."
Have you considered counselling - eg Relate. You could even go on your own if he won't go. I also think you should start doing less for him, not more, and retrain him that way. For example, a bath run for you should be a treat in a relationship, not something that is expected of you. And actually, I'm quite shocked that you felt bad because 'he hadn't eaten much of his tea' - that's the sort of thing mums say about their three year olds, not wives about their middle-aged husbands! You have two children to be a mother to, you don't need another giant baby!

Original poster
BubblesDeVere · 26/01/2005 08:04

At least he didn't do the same thing with the clothes this morning.

Though he did say to me 'will you get my clothes out if you go to bed before me as I don't want you getting upset again' .

But this morning he actually woke me at 5.15 to ask me if I had turned the thermostat off, which he knew damned well I hadn't, I managed to drop off again only to be woken by him asking if I knew where is shaving stuff was, er, hello, its your shaving stuff, I don't use it, you last had it, he is really P***g me off with waking me when he is on days, especially as I've been ill for a couple of days and done nothing but sleep.

Men, well, mine in particular at the minute, I then woke up this morning to find that he had left all the mucky dishes etc from his curry for me to wash up and put away, great start to the day eh?

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