Partner has asked for my dad’s number and arranged a day out with him?

[Charliechad]

Me and partner have been together for 2 years (in July). He’s had a nice relationship with my family since day 1, they all get along well and my dad likes him and vice versa.

A month ago, my partner asked for my dad’s number. When I asked why he said (jokingly) “none of your business”. He won’t say what he texts my dad, but my dad does mention on the phone that he got my partners message and will reply soon. Today my dad said my partner has asked him to go for a walk at the weekend.

We are very serious about other and have talked about marriage in the future etc., but I’ve never experienced a partner wanting to make so much effort with my dad? Partner said it’s just a walk with them 2 and I can’t go.

I feel like it’s strange, not in a bad way. But just why so secretive?

This.

I can't believe so many women in here think it's a "sweet" thing to do

😄 I said this too (my husband didn’t realise I was kidding) so he turned up at my dad’s house to ask his permission. My dad said DH should ask me, not him as he doesn’t own me 😂.

I’d have been horrified if my now DH, then BF had ASKED my parent for permission to marry me. If that’s it, I’d be pissed off. It’s 2025 ffs.

Did he also ask you if you had any objections? Or was it only your DH?

He might be going to ask to marry you? I know a lot now think that's weird but it's normal in the culture that I come from. White British.

And it isn't controlling or misogynistic, it's tradition and 'etiquette'

Out of interest,@ButterBites-what point of view do you think the “echo chamber of Mumsnet” is echoing?

It is tradition and "etiquette" that is grounded in misogyny and harks back to a time when women were regarded as the possessions of men.

If you want to honour that kind of history, fair enough. Some of us prefer to break with aspects of the past that are no longer relevant.

100% this

It’s awful!

Tradition and etiquette have a lot to answer for!

Because it doesnt mean that to the people involved that's why. You dont like it and that's fine, but some women like it.

Well presumably he did ask you

Yes, and I've said multiple times, each to their own. It isn't for me to dictate how other women should manage their relationships.

Nonetheless, I think it's important that we highlight sexism and misogyny where we see it. And women who want equality in their relationships need to pay attention to the behaviours of prospective life partners in order to gain an understanding of their underlying attitudes towards women.

People need to go into these important relationships with their eyes wide open. It all comes down to what people want and what they choose to prioritise, but we need to recognise that these "traditions" do not exist in isolation.

That was my first thought. And maybe to help choose a ring?

Well, there’s one good thing about this thread. It’s proof positive that Mumsnet is NOT a hot bed of rabid man-hating Feminazis!

And yet again, I lament the loss of the laughing emoji!

Oh wow, didn’t expect so many replies and no much debate about it!

Firstly, the posts suggesting I “know” it’s an engagement conversation are a little out of place. I don’t know at all, I’m putting 2 and 2 together and maybe getting 5. My DP has been open with the fact he would like to marry me, but I was actually querying the secretiveness of the interactions with my dad. As I said, no partner has ever taken an active interest in building a relationship with my dad. My dad will appreciate it a lot, he is retired and likes my DP. It could be just that they’re building a friendship which I would like.

I also don’t agree that it’s misogynistic to inform the dad you intend to marry (if that’s what DP is doing). I’ve told him it’s something my dad and I would appreciate. Not because I belong to my dad, but because he is my dad! I think it’s nice that is informed before we break the news (if that is his plan).

As I said, in my culture and my DPs this is fairly standard. It’s not an arranged marriage, but even if it was, I would still have a say in if I wanted to go ahead with it. The marriage would be null and void in the eyes of our religion if I was coerced or forced.

Are you okay as a person?
You have an awful lot of vitriol about this practice which is common in many cultures, many of which it isn't to denigrate the woman but to respect the father.
I feel happy for the person who hopefully did not ask your father for permission, because you are a ray of sunshine.

It's almost as if some people have a different view to you, a true true mystery I know.

Maybe he is going to ask him about marriage?

Respecting the father by acknowledging that the daughter would historically have been his possession and therefore going through the motions of asking for his approval?

Of course it is out of the blue op, that tends to be how proposing works. He is asking your dad so he can asks for permission.

Or….. just asking because it’s a polite and respectful thing to do. Clearly 90% of the women on here struggle to understand that concept though. It’s a very sweet thing to do, get over yourself!

So why aren't they equally polite and respectful to the woman's mother?

It's only "sweet" if you like that kind of patriarchal nonsense. But fair enough if you do. We're all different.