Partner has asked for my dad’s number and arranged a day out with him?

[Charliechad]

Me and partner have been together for 2 years (in July). He’s had a nice relationship with my family since day 1, they all get along well and my dad likes him and vice versa.

A month ago, my partner asked for my dad’s number. When I asked why he said (jokingly) “none of your business”. He won’t say what he texts my dad, but my dad does mention on the phone that he got my partners message and will reply soon. Today my dad said my partner has asked him to go for a walk at the weekend.

We are very serious about other and have talked about marriage in the future etc., but I’ve never experienced a partner wanting to make so much effort with my dad? Partner said it’s just a walk with them 2 and I can’t go.

I feel like it’s strange, not in a bad way. But just why so secretive?

When my ex dh asked my dad for my hand in marriage(70s) my dad said you can have all of her if you want. My dad was a bit of a joker.

So many people are saying that it’s stupid that he’s asking to meet with your dad and potentially asking for your hand in marriage. Personally, I think that is really sweet, Particularly as you told him that it’s important to you, but even if you hadn’t, it’s a sign of respect and it’s a traditional thing. Like the father walking the bride down the aisle, he’s giving the woman away, should we ban that too?

If you weren’t joking and do expect him to ask your dad, you can’t now think it’s weird when he wants to have a private conversation with your dad and you can’t come. Presumably that’s what you expected when you told him you expect him to speak to your dad about it!

My DH told my dad and my sister he was planning to propose, he didn’t ask for permission or blessing just included them. My future BIL told me he was planning to propose & asked my opinion on the ring. I think a lot of men nowadays manage to navigate something that is an outdated tradition well, so that they have a moment to bond with their future FIL without implying there is any permission being granted!

My dad would have been confused if he was actually asked for permission I’ve been independent since I left home at 18!

Blessed be the fruit

God, I really miss the laughing emoji!😂

@RareHazelExpertinmade it clear to my husband if he asked my dad he wasn’t the guy for me 😂

So there's no great mystery at all!

I think you're right that they're probably not really thinking about it. But for me, it's that blind adherence to misogynistic traditions without even bothering to think things through that would be the red flag. I mean, fair enough if some people just don't care, but personally, I would expect a future life partner to instinctively recognise why such a tradition might be problematic.

If dd's bf wanted to marry her, I would expect him to discuss that with her first. If he then felt that he needed our blessing as well, I would expect him to make a point of talking to both of us and not just her dad, with her full knowledge and approval.

There are no mainstream religions where the woman has no say who she marries.

Arranged marriages are not the same as forced marriages. Forced marriages are abusive and not aligned with the values or teachings of any religion I am aware of (certainly not the big ones). In an arranged marriage, the woman (and man) decide whether or not to go ahead with a proposed match.

Of course couples need to discuss marriage. The reality is most guys can probably figure out what type of family they may be marrying into so they can probably tell if discussing it with parents first would be welcome or not. And then of course there are plenty men who wouldnt even think of speaking to the father first.

They’re definitely shagging OP

And that's nothing to do with a young man speaking to his partner's father about his intentions.

Oh how sweet!

Will you say yes?

DH asked my DF but in a fairly jokey way. He'd already asked me and I had said yes. Actually- both my parents were on the phone.

I agree with you on that.

I was responding to your reference to “these religious cultures where the wife to be has no say in who she marries and it’s all arranged”.

And yes- what happened to the laughing emoji?!

Yeah, I'm sure you're right that most guys can probably figure out whether the prospective bride and her family would see asking her dad's permission as sweet and traditional or old fashioned and misogynistic. If they're not able to make that judgement, then they're probably not compatible!

Get a grip

That's the tradition that they would be honouring, though.

Sorry cultures I should have said. Rather than religious cultures.

Its 2025 no one owns a woman. This woman wants to get married and wants to be in a relationship with this man. She has her own mind.

Exactly.

There’s your answer. Post ended

Well, quite.

This is why I find it strange that people want to honour a tradition that harks back to a time when women were seen as chattel and had no agency over their own lives.

Its apparently a big nono on MN i dont mind it. When dd1 got engaged her fiance spoke with dh he didnt "ask" permission but he told him. "I intend to ask your dd to marry me. I trust you have no obligations " dh didnt (he is a lovely man)

I liked that approach as it showed respect towards the tradition and the family she has. However it didn't "ask" nor like often spouted here on mn treat her like a possession.

You likely should not admit on MN if you decide to take his name that is also a big nogo here.

Growing up in Scandinavia Im used to all sorts there so frankly I dont care what people chose to do with their name.