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Original poster

Partner has asked for my dad’s number and arranged a day out with him?

176 replies

Charliechad · 03/06/2025 20:47

Me and partner have been together for 2 years (in July). He’s had a nice relationship with my family since day 1, they all get along well and my dad likes him and vice versa.

A month ago, my partner asked for my dad’s number. When I asked why he said (jokingly) “none of your business”. He won’t say what he texts my dad, but my dad does mention on the phone that he got my partners message and will reply soon. Today my dad said my partner has asked him to go for a walk at the weekend.

We are very serious about other and have talked about marriage in the future etc., but I’ve never experienced a partner wanting to make so much effort with my dad? Partner said it’s just a walk with them 2 and I can’t go.

I feel like it’s strange, not in a bad way. But just why so secretive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliechad · 03/06/2025 23:32

I didn’t realise asking for a blessing/informing the dad was so disrespectful to some people! I don’t think it’s asking for ownership or anything like that. I think it’s just respectful? I think my father would appreciate it and see it as proper.

I don’t know if he will propose or that is his plan. I was just wondering if it seemed odd considering it’s out of the blue and I am not invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charliechad · 03/06/2025 23:33

NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2025 20:53

I think it's sweet! Presumably you're not worried your dp and your dad are having an affair?

Haha no!

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/06/2025 23:41

Each to their own.

My dh does loads for my dad, but we've been married for 25 years so they regard each other as family!

If dh had asked my dad about marrying me before he discussed it with me, I wouldn't have agreed to spend my life with him. Thankfully, DH knew better than to try that! Having said that, my dad would have laughed in his face anyway, and told him that he was speaking to the wrong person.

To all those who say that it's just about being respectful, is there a reason why the guy is only supposed to allow respect to the woman's father? Is her mother not equally worthy of such respect?

ButterBites · 03/06/2025 23:45

Charliechad · 03/06/2025 21:28

No I wasn’t joking. It’s part of our culture, my dad would probably think it was rude not to get his blessing.

I dont know for certain if hes proposing, it just seems very out of the blue to ask for the number now.

Show quote history

Then that’s all that matters. I wasn’t fussed about DH asking my dad, but it mattered a whole lot more to my dad so on balance, it was the right move for them to talk as my dad felt he was still important and it didn’t bother me either way.

It’s about what’s right for you and your family, not what the echo chamber of Mumsnet deems to be the right way.

Igotupagain · 03/06/2025 23:56

it’s wedding bells
My DH didn’t ask my Dad first, I was disappointed that he didn’t. But, I don’t remember discussing with my DH beforehand. It just surprised me that he hadn’t. I know my dad would have loved it. I am his only daughter.
Weird because I do like traditions but also hate the idea that I am owned and must have permission to make a life choice.

Usernamesarejustnotavailable · 04/06/2025 00:03

Shocking comments on here. I think it's very sweet and respectful, especially as you alluded to it in a conversation between the two of you when discussing marriage. He's respecting your wishes. It's nothing to do with ownership. Western feminism gone mad!

sandgrown · 04/06/2025 00:46

If he is going to speak to your dad about proposing to you I think it’s cute and traditional. I am a very independent capable woman with my own income and home but also have a bit of a hankering for the era of Pride and Prejudice 😂

GravyBoatWars · 04/06/2025 00:56

Ignore everyone else's personal opinions about asking dads or both parents for their blessing/approval because they're irrelevant to you, OP.

You told your partner explicitly that you did want that. Even if this get together isn't for that purpose, obviously your DP was going to need to be in direct contact with your parents for that to happen, and your request (as well as spending time all together) showed your DP that it matters to you that your dad/parents like your partner. It seems like he's trying to respect what you've communicated is important to you individually.

Your discomfort with your DP reaching out to him and wanting to have a one-one conversation is a bit at odds with that, so I'd be exploring those feelings. Are you worried a proposal will come too soon (or at all) and realizing you're unsure of your answer? Are you just having some dissonance between liking the tradition in theory but also wanting more control? Did you just want your DP to do a better job being covert, or do you not want it to be covert at all?

FWIW I'm certain my DH speaks/texts with my dad and stepmother more than I do. They're all thoroughly bonded over golf (which I loathe myself) and my DH is vastly more reliable about sending photos and updates than I am.

PussInBin20 · 04/06/2025 01:25

Well what else could it be OP? You are overthinking this for sure.

Tbrh · 04/06/2025 01:26

I think that's really lovely, he obviously wants to get to know your family well

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/06/2025 01:40

I think you know that your dad would like to be informed before you get engaged so if your DP is planning that then it seems respectful to me. It doesn't mean your DP regards you as a possession (or even that your dad does).

Nothankyov · 04/06/2025 01:45

@Charliechad Don’t think it’s weird at all. I spent a lot of time with just my MIL before she was my mother in law. My now husband would go golfing with his dad and I would be at my in laws.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 04/06/2025 01:58

It sounds from your postings, as if DP talking to your dad might be a cultural blessing? Surely good if your family and his family are on board?

JustCopyeditorsAnnie · 04/06/2025 02:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SweetDarling · 04/06/2025 02:17

I’d presume it’s to ask permission to marry you. I’m sure you also must have thought that was the reason before posting here. You are not a possession to be passed from one man to another so I’d be wary of any man that did this. It’s your life, you are in control, you don’t need anyone’s permission or blessing. My daughter’s dad would be horrified if her partner asked him for permission and would use the opportunity to have a chat about misogyny.

I had to laugh at the ‘none of your business’ comment. Does he really think he’s being all top secret about it?

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 02:18

NuffSaidSam · 03/06/2025 20:53

I think it's sweet! Presumably you're not worried your dp and your dad are having an affair?

I hope the dad doesn't do what my late husband did: "Michty! Whit are you asking me for? You've been living together for 16 years! You have a bairn together! Ye dinnae need my permission."

I'm afraid that didn't go down well.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/06/2025 02:19

SweetDarling · 04/06/2025 02:17

I’d presume it’s to ask permission to marry you. I’m sure you also must have thought that was the reason before posting here. You are not a possession to be passed from one man to another so I’d be wary of any man that did this. It’s your life, you are in control, you don’t need anyone’s permission or blessing. My daughter’s dad would be horrified if her partner asked him for permission and would use the opportunity to have a chat about misogyny.

I had to laugh at the ‘none of your business’ comment. Does he really think he’s being all top secret about it?

That's rather the tack that my husband took. He might have been a tad more diplomatic, though...

Monty27 · 04/06/2025 02:23

I'm a lady in waiting. Like a romantic novel. @Charliechad keep us posted!

Flashahah · 04/06/2025 02:27

Charliechad · 03/06/2025 23:32

I didn’t realise asking for a blessing/informing the dad was so disrespectful to some people! I don’t think it’s asking for ownership or anything like that. I think it’s just respectful? I think my father would appreciate it and see it as proper.

I don’t know if he will propose or that is his plan. I was just wondering if it seemed odd considering it’s out of the blue and I am not invited.

Oh come on stop all the faux, what could it be about!

You’ve literally told him to do it.

🤮

hhtddbkoygv · 04/06/2025 02:28

We are very serious about other and have talked about marriage in the future etc., but l've never experienced a partner wanting to make so much effort with my dad?
Partner said it's just a walk with them 2 and I can't go.
I feel like it's strange, not in a bad way. But just why so secretive?

Looks like you already know.

hhtddbkoygv · 04/06/2025 02:29

Charliechad · 03/06/2025 23:32

I didn’t realise asking for a blessing/informing the dad was so disrespectful to some people! I don’t think it’s asking for ownership or anything like that. I think it’s just respectful? I think my father would appreciate it and see it as proper.

I don’t know if he will propose or that is his plan. I was just wondering if it seemed odd considering it’s out of the blue and I am not invited.

I don't understand why you're asking when you've already decided the reasoning for it?

Chickensky · 04/06/2025 03:06

Charliechad · 03/06/2025 23:32

I didn’t realise asking for a blessing/informing the dad was so disrespectful to some people! I don’t think it’s asking for ownership or anything like that. I think it’s just respectful? I think my father would appreciate it and see it as proper.

I don’t know if he will propose or that is his plan. I was just wondering if it seemed odd considering it’s out of the blue and I am not invited.

Please don't let negative views on this thread affect your position. It sounds like you have both discussed the potential of marriage, and also you were clear on the fact you wanted him to acknowledge the tradition of speaking to your dad. It would not obviously change your answer. I wish you luck and fingers crossed there is a proposal on the way.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/06/2025 05:51

If it is because he wants to talk to your father before proposing to you and you are ok with that then fair enough, to a point. If he knows you and your father well enough to be at that stage, does he not know where your father lives? To go round and speak to your father would be so much more straightforward. It would have avoided the situation where he is now telling you that what he discusses with your father is none of your business. That would never be acceptable to me.

Tarrybankheidi · 04/06/2025 06:14

I think some people are over thinking it and making it out to be something it's not. If a guy speaks to the father first he is probably thinking it's something he is supposed to do and wants to be respectful. Following the tradition. Obviously it depends on the type of people involved. Theres certain types of people who probably dont even realise it's a thing let alone do it. I dont think the men are deliberately choosing to pick father over mother they are just doing what they think they are supposed to. Nothing to do with misogyny. Bit like father walking the bride down the isle. That still happens but more and more it's someone else.

IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne · 04/06/2025 06:28

dogcatkitten · 03/06/2025 21:15

It's surely more informing than asking (if that's what it's about) and actually a nice gesture involving the family. Of course it may just be a walk with your dad because he likes him and wants to get to know him better. My DH did sort of ask (in a back handed sort of way) and my DF died before we were married so I was actually glad he was involved in a small way.

Show quote history

This! I would have loved my DH to have known my DF. From that perspective it’s a really sweet gesture (and I am not the bended-knee-proposal type at all).