Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

I think a lot of men your age will want younger, child free women to breed with. 30s are a tricky age to date I think.

Similar boat to you!

I think a big issue is that a lot of men want to rescue, or feel needed. And when they meet someone who has their life in order, they feel less masculine in themselves! “Well what can I offer her/do for her? I don’t feel needed”

Of course there will be exceptions to these types of men, but this has been my experience.

Of course on the flip side to the threatened men, you have the narcissists who will despise you for being “better than them” and try and drag you down, or the men who will see you as a meal ticket!

I don’t know what to suggest, but I do hope that I find the decent man out there who respects my independence, but also knows I need a cuddle and to allow my soft side out from time to time….

I'm reading this but I'm unsure tbh why you want to be in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who thinks that everyone is axiomatically happier single, but what I'm saying that even if you are very clear in your own mind what you want from a boyfriend, it's not obvious from what you're writing here.

Once you're very clear, I would write exactly what you want on the right dating site, plus start telling the people you know what you're looking for.

Is it hot hotel/kinky sex twice a week when your children are elsewhere? Write that on Feeld. Is it a full on relationship with crazy trips away and fine dining but only every other weekend with zero pressure for more? Write that on Hinge. Is it country walks and reading the papers at a pub with a view to longterm stuff once the girls are older? Write that on Bumble. Etc. Trying to make your profile sound like you're open to anything may make it sound as if you haven't really worked it out yet.

What?

I want a relationship more along the latter lines and I've got that front and centre on both Bumble and Hinge. I want companionship, a life partner, someone who is my best friend who I have sex with basically.

I've never enjoyed being single and all my friends and family tell me "just enjoy the time alone" but it's kind of pointless because I just don't and that's not because my life isn't great in other respects, it's just because I find being single very lonely.

It sounds too much as if by 'build a life' they meant 'you won't change your life to accommodate mine'.

You might do best then to talk to all your good friends and be very upfront that you are looking to meet someone and you'd like to be asked to evenings out with their single friends/relatives. Telling you to enjoy your time alone is them copping out of matchmaking! (Tbh I don't matchmake but that's because I have the worlds worst record of understanding why couples are together).

Dating is never easy but then you only need one (apart from that guy on Hinge who runs marathons and only wants poly relationships).

As a professional woman who found a partner later in life and married him - don’t bother, it’s not worth it. I miss my peace and quiet, freedom, and emotional stability. Men very rarely bring that. I honestly was happier single, the idea of romance if a scam. It brings too many sacrifices.

I have so many friends (all married) and none of them know anyone they can set me up with - there was one guy but he was childless and didn't want to date a parent (fair enough). I feel like I've tried everything. I'm so bloody tired of the apps that I'm actually now going speed dating and even to sodding rock climbing next week because Bumble has led me to believe that 75% of men are doing this whenever they aren't working or eating a Sunday roast...

I am TEARING MY HAIR OUT because why is Hinge 99% comprised of the men from your last line 😂 that gave me a good giggle though.

Try changing where you fish. You have the money to pay for a decent dating site, and that's where you are much more likely to meet decent men.

This is intriguing, but which ones? I've tried The League and it was pretty much exclusively childfree men who didn't want to date parents. Not properly tried Elite Singles. Are there any others in this category? I am open to it

What about eHarmony? And Elite singles does seem worth more of a try. I must admit not surprised to hear The League is like that!

Agree with another poster that I do think for women late 30’s can be a hard/awkward time to date because it’s hard to find someone who wants the same things you do AND also wants those things with you. I work with a few women who talk about this all the time, the younger men want younger women they can build a life and family with, the men their own age & slightly older also want younger women they still have time to start a family with, the older men are interested and are more likely to be happy with no more children but there is also then the financial factors, home ownership etc AND even if all of that lines up, it’s a case of if you’re interest in an older man.

I do think it’s just a really awkward time as a woman to date, especially if you’re done having children.

That's what I was afraid of. Does it really get easier in your 40s though? Or is it just difficult now until I eventually curl up and perish as a loveless husk?

Absolutely this unfortunately. When I was in my late 30s, even though I was child free, men my age overlooked me because they wanted a couple of kids which might not be possible at that age for me and these were the attractive and intelligent ones lol so it was the 20ish crowd that managed to bag them. Similarly my friend of a similar age failed to attract the 30 year olds precisely because she already had kids! Perversely some men with kids didn’t want to date a parent themselves I imagine maybe because they wanted to keep their‘alternative child free’ weeks exactly that and those that wanted a family still after divorce wanted to start with someone with none yet so again they looked more at the 20 year olds - honestly a woman in her mid to late 30s just can’t win! 😅

That said, it’s not impossible OP - nothing is and yiu sound an amazing catch. 36 in the real world is hardly old and I hope you meet someone soon.

No it gets worse in your 40s. Don’t see it as a bad thing though. See it as you’re wonderfully free and liberated from the type of man that 99% of us are stuck with.

id rather be single most of the time, I was single before - I had more time, money, peace, stability and a cleaner house. Most of the time a man is like an extra child.

I really just don't feel this way and never have, I don't like being single and I doubt I'm going to learn to like it either.

I also don't understand why people in relationships even say that. You could be single but you choose to stay in a relationship. The people who tell me now I should enjoy being single all used to complain about it when they actually were.

Thank you, that made me feel better. I guess it's just tough all round isn't it.

Agree I never understand those comments. Be single then! Of course it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship but if you don’t like being single then for most people a good relationship is the goal!

OP I know how you feel. My youngest was 6 when I split with exH and you sound similar to me.
Best advice I can give is to look up “Burned Haystack Dating Method” on FB/IG. Really useful dating advice. If you need to find a needle in a haystack, the best way is to burn it down! There are a LOT of men out there, and only a few good ones, so you need a strategy to rule out the rubbish ones!
I met a wonderful guy on Bumble, so it can work. Good luck!

Do you mind me asking if you wanted to have more children? Also with burned haystack I am never clear if I should be blocking the ones I am not attracted to instead of swiping left as some people say match more and block when you're talking if you're unsure. But I find the number of matches overwhelming as it is. The problem is it never leads anywhere. How did you approach that?

The pool of good men is drying up rapidly. Women of all ages and situations are having trouble finding a decent bloke! Sorry, I know this doesn’t help but it really is a massive problem for women.

When I divorced the first time I struggled to meet professional independent women, I find that highly desirable. Didn't mind a blended family but always struggled to be whatever they wanted.

I totally fell in love with a local lady with two young daughters. She was wonderful. Gave her space as she needed, she broke off with me 8 months later and married the next guy. Gutted.

As pp said, it's a needle in haystack situation.
It doesn't sound as if you're really enjoying dating at the moment so maybe take a break.
Focus on yourself for a bit.
You might love rock climbing.
Try lots of things and you might meet someone on the way.
Friend of mine left her awful marriage with only her dog. She started going to activities with the dog and ended up with the trainer. Still going strong.