Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

Nooo! Ofc you should have sex with men you're attracted to! I'm sorry if what I said sounded like you need to completely drop your standards! I just think maybe you need to drop expectations a little? Everyone has something to teach us, even if it's not our personal interest, isn't that how we grow?

Do you even know what my standards / expectations are though? I think kindness is a given, I wont date someone who is not kind to me and to others. Intelligence for me is a must in a relationship, it is a huge part of attraction for me personally. And attractiveness is subjective, isn't it? I'll date bald men and I'm not hugely into muscles for example, so I'm not buying into some massive male beauty standard either, I don't think.

I am not dating men who are necessarily themselves well sorted either - in fact, that's the problem. They don't own a home, often they don't have a car (though this is easier in a city). They don't earn similar money to me so the restaurants and holidays we can afford aren't necessarily the same. They've all cited this as being an issue FOR THEM when we've broken up.

I'm unsure what expectations you think I have set too high? I'm looking for a life partner, I'm not casually dating as I don't find that fulfilling, in the same way I don't find being single fulfilling.

(Rereading my OP, I wondered about my standards near the beginning - thanks for your posts @pinkglitter12 as they have shown me what I actually think about my standards - I think I'm doing OK on that if I assess the men I'm going out on dates with. But just wanted to acknowledge that I did mention it in my OP.)

I found exactly this scenario. I was 37 with children dated somebody for two years. Had a wonderful time and then he suddenly up and left me for another 37-year-old with no children. They had two children within 18 months.

I honestly do not believe that most men are prepared to be stepfather’s. It’s a real rare gem.
When I think back to people within that social circle
If they had a child that was absolutely fine. Very few of them had more than one if they’ve broken up with the mother
They might go on to have one more child themselves with a lady who had one child herself
But once you started to get into the realms of two children
The women had to be super super good looking
I’m talking model calibre
And their financial position just didn’t really come into it. That wasn’t a consideration.

I had a stepfather who had no children himself, so it's not impossible, but I agree rare. And my mother was pretty but not supermodel territory (nor is she even that nice, ha). But I am coming around to the idea that early 40s dating mid 40s might be easier for me as that crowd seems to have largely given up on biological children in a way that the 40-45 crowd hasn't.

Men are turned off by women who rely entirely on them for their happiness.
It's the women who are most comfortable with themselves and the life they have created that attract the most attention.
You may have a nice house, look good, earn high salary, have well behaved children, but it's your attitude that's not doing you any favours.
You are actually in a good position, you are self sufficient and have a type of freedom some would envy and others never experience. Instead of celebrating all you have you are holding on to a belief that for a lot of women only ends in heartache and disappointment. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, when your children are older you will regret wasting time and energy searching for your happy ever after.
Become your own happy ever after and once you've mastered that see how things change, you will be attracting, not chasing.

I don't rely entirely on a man for my happiness. I'm happy with what I have, but I still want a relationship too. I get what you're saying but I'm not sure it's true for me. I get out there and do loads of stuff and I wouldn't change my hobbies, friendships etc just because I got into a relationship. But I still want one because I prefer being in a relationship to being single - the evenings when I'm not busy are lonely.

I don't think there is such a thing as having too high standards. As you say, everyone likes what they like, and dating someone you're not attracted to initially brings huge problems down the line.

But I do think your requirements for a partner - particularly the requirement to not be 'middling in their career', as well as being bookish, attractive and funny, as well as someone both willing to date a woman with children and not intimidated by your career status - mean you are fishing in a small pond. So it will take a lot of time (as in, years) and persistence to find the guy that ticks all these boxes.

Your career and life successes are quite rare to have achieved, especially as it's been done while raising young children - I wonder if you realise just how impressive your achievements are and how few people are really on that level at your age? So I don't think it's having too high standards, just that there are really few available men who will meet those standards if that makes sense

Sustract 7 from your age and multiply by 2.
That is the age of the men you should be focusing on. And their net worth should be significantly higher than yours.
Want a younger man? Then compromise on net worth and look for less wealthy younger man.
Want a wealthier man? Then compromise on age and look for older wealthier men.
These are guidelines, but hopefully you get the point.
Relationships follow rules of supply and demand that you need to be aware of. The reason why you are struggling is you are focusing with a type of man which is on short supply and you are competing with many women that match your profile. Adjust your position and move into a more advantageous space, and you will thrive.
This sounds brutal. But reality is brutal and you need to adapt to it.
You need to be realistic. Look for a man that makes you happy but at the same time use your energy and time wisely to increase your chances of success.

Oh, I'm totally fine if they're middling in career and don't own a house. It's the men that find it to be incompatible with me.

I'm looking for someone intelligent, kind and who I am attracted to. That's pretty much my list. I don't look for someone funny and I'm not too bothered about his financial status as long as he doesn't need me to pay for him because that's just a bad dynamic, I find.

I'm not sure if you've read my posts but I'm not looking for someone wealthy at all, just someone who doesnt need me to pay for them. I am wealthy.

By your guidelines, I should be looking for a man who is 58 when I am 36....

I found eHarmony awful (admittedly a few years ago). Half the men were clearly older than they claimed, a fair few were much further away than my limit (in one case overseas!), and others had put things I'd marked as a definite no (eg smoking). I hated every moment of it and finally deleted my account about a fortnight before my membership expired. But that could be more about me and dating to be fair... I gave up after that and am quite happily single.

I hope you find your happiness.

Do the men not hold driver licence or do they have a drivers licence but just dont drive. If you are in a city like London or similar this should not be an issue.

Usually no licence and also no car. I did say above it isn't an issue for me though.

From what I'm reading in your posts OP, there are whole categories of men you are not interested in. So why wouldn't you be in a category of women that many men aren't interested in? That seems fair enough to me.

You can't expect men to be more flexible in what they are looking for when you have such narrow criteria.

My comment is just a guideline: relationships are not chemical reactions where ingredients need to be measured to the highest precision or else you won't get the expected result.
I am just trying to make the point that at the moment you are positioning yourself in a very disadvantegeous space with little chance of success.
You are fishing in the wrong pond.
It is fantastic that wealth is not the most crucial aspect for you. That means you can look for younger men than 56.
Focus on men who are between 48-50 with a similar wealth to you.
If you are adamant that you want a man between 40 and 45, they you will have to compromise on wealth even more. You would have to be looking at men who are poorer than you. Your choice.
Those are the guidelines. Calibrate between age and wealth to find the spot with a higher chance of success.

A friend of mine joined one of the old fashioned introduction agencies, where you meet an agent and chat to them about what you are looking for. They set her up with a couple of blind dates, and within a year she was planning her wedding. I don’t know if these agencies still exist, or if the apps have killed them.

@TipsyRaven247

I've already said wealth is not a factor at all for me. The problem is that it is for the men. They don't want to date someone who is already settled in life when they are not.

I want to date the 38-45 crowd but they're not at the same stage of life as me and THEY find that off putting. I could date men in their late 40s but I'm not attracted to them which I did mention in my OP.

By your advice, I should already be doing fine as I'm dating men who are solvent but otherwise don't have massive savings and don't own assets. My ex before my most recent one was in debt. But the reality is that a man in his late 30s who is in debt finds me less attractive than a man in his late 40s who is wealthy. But I'm attracted to men closer to my age. That's my entire problem.

I don't expect men to do that. Where did I say that I did?

Listing out what you are looking for:

• late 30s/ early 40s, not older
• doesn’t have kids
• doesn’t want his own kids
• but happy to date someone with kids

Already that is going to pretty hard to find. If I was single and childless in my late 30s/early 40s I’d either want my own kids or want a childfree lifestyle. I wouldn’t be wanting to take on someone else’s kids but never have my own. And I imagine most will feel the same.

There might be a few men out there who are very laid back who might tick these boxes - the type who basically don’t have a life plan and are happy to go along with yours. But then they are likely to be the “middling career, never owned own home” type that you also don’t want.

I don’t disagree with any of your checklist. But surely you can see that statistically it is unlikely you will find many men who tick these boxes? (And it would be the same for women).

My friend has three kids and only has eow child free and she finally found a nice boyfriend who has one young child 5050

PSA: I am fine dating men who are middling in careers and don't own a home. They keep breaking up with me and citing this as an issue. It is an issue for the men not for me

Maybe I should edit the OP

Looks like you can't edit the OP.

I'm sorry cos this is obviously unclear in my OP because most recent posts all think I want someone at my level of wealth.

That's not my issue. I think the issue is I am choosing between:

1. Single dads - schedules never seem to align so I have found this a real struggle.
2. Men my age up to about 45 who still want to have kids. That's a no go as I don't want more.
3. Men over 45 who are around the same level as me. I'm not attracted to men more than 10 years older than me generally.
4. Men my age who don't want kids, but also find that they don't want to be with someone who is settled in life when they aren't (middling careers etc).

I'm open to dating 1 and 4 but finding it incredibly difficult. I don't see how I can compromise in situations 2 and 3 though - they're straight incompatible for me.

My relative has two children. After divorcing in her mid 30s when the kids were under 5, she met her partner who was the same age as her. He had a good career, didn't want his own children but was happy to take on a stepfather role. He has been brilliant with her children, who are now mid teens. They are a very tight family unit. So don't give up OP, as a PP rightly said, you are 'fishing in a small pond' - maybe even a fish tank! - but there are fish in there.