Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

Custody schedules usually mean it doesn't get off the ground, or they live quite far away and cos noone can move it's harder to see a future. I find I attract more men without children than with, which surprised me a lot, I assumed I'd only date single fathers but it hasn't worked out that way so far

The formula showcases a trend, nothing more.
Sure, most of the women who are 43 would rather stay single than being with a 73 year old man who has an average wealth.
But once you start throwing wealth into the cocktail , you will see as the money starts to go up, more and more women that age would happily switch sides. Not all of them of course, but many will do! Maybe rather than wealth, we should use the term status, because it is not all about zeroes in the bank - although both are highly correlated. I think that it is not a stretch to say that a very high amount of 43 year old women would be with a 73 year old man if he was reasonably healthy and filthy rich or very high status.
Conversely, a very wealthy 73 year old man prefers to stay single rather that being with an average looking 43 year old woman. However, as you start
ramping up the attractiveness of the woman in particular, many of them would switch sides. Not all of them, or course.
You get the idea.
That is the way the cookie crumbles. I did not make the rules of attraction!

Not sure what you are trying to achieve here?

“I think that it is not a stretch to say that a very high amount of 43 year old women would be with a 73 year old man if he was reasonably healthy and filthy rich or very high status.”

Your perception is out.

“Not all of them, or course.”

Well as this is a specific person who doesn’t fit your perception as she seems to be interested in a man 30-42 then your point is irrelevant, even if it was true.

I was just replying to @NauticalMiles using the example they provided.
My point may irrelevant to you. Thanks for the info. I will still leave it there for others to read.

I’m SO interested in this! I’m 35, in the early stages of dating a guy (33) and I’m wondering if he’s my ‘person’ and whether I want to give up singledom to be with him. It’s a topsy turvy situation in that HE is the one pushing for commitment and I’m wary AF because I know how much hassle and drama men can bring into my otherwise peaceful life. I’m not quite pushing him away but I’m not as enthusiastic as him about ‘us’ and ‘the future’.

Can you elaborate on your story? How old were you when you met him? Are you still together? You imply it’s a net negative now, but was it always this way? Also what’s the kids / step kids situation - do you have any (together)? So many questions!

@PermanentTemporary loved your post about different profiles to fit different dating apps!!

Your standards are definitely not too high. NEVER lower them and settle. I'm 10 years older than you and enjoying dating, I also have 'high standards' (ie non-negotiables, none relating to appearance, all to do with them as a person) so the majority of men on dating apps are not for me.

I'm feeling this. I'm 33, good job, own home... and find all men around me either have kids (I just can't find it in me to feign interest in someone else's kids) or want kids (no way, that was 10 years ago for me).
Or they're coke head fuckboys.

I also go for mild, kind men and I'm quite loud. I scare them.

I'm wondering about men aged 50ish. They'd have teenagers or older. I could tolerate that. Fortunately I'm bi so could also go for women.

Biggest issue is where to meet them. At all.
And work honestly for me is a no go. Don't fuck where you work.

All the comments re successful finds: where did you find these (wo)men?

I don’t really understand why you would be attracted to a 40 year old but not a 47 year old. At least see what’s out there.

I met my husband who was 5 years older than I would have considered originally after fiddling with my age parameters, but he looks younger and better than most blokes who are my age (we have a 13 year age gap, him older).

Obviously keep looking- but as you’ve sussed, men your age who aren’t dads either want kids or don’t want kids in their lives at all.

I would look for someone in the 45-55 age range if I was in your boat. It’s completely possible to find someone ‘attractive’ in your age bracket and it’s more likely these men will have uni-aged+ kids or might feel they’ve missed the boat for kids, so would be very open to yours.

I know one women who is late thirties whose DH is a fit fifty. He never wanted ‘babies’ but likes children and has really embraced her pre-teen kids.

You like what you like, I guess, i dont think its something logical. I don't fancy men 20 years older than me. I appreciate I would find it easier to date them but I have only seen a handful of men over 45 I'd be attracted to and I've been on the apps quite a while.

Each to their own. I would never go out with someone more than 5 years older. 13 years is a huge age gap to me. I feel young for my age and men in their 40s and 50s seem really old and the vast majority don’t take care of themselves as well as women their age do. I also have zero interest in becoming a man’s carer in my 50s or 60s - age gaps get worse with age. I usually date slightly younger as I like youthful looks and a great physique.

Yeah I dont get the strict age criteria either, especially with ages so close.

I've had a few men end things with me and say that the fact I had kids wasn't a deal breaker, the fact I don't want kids wasn't a deal breaker, but they wanted to build a life with someone who hadn't already built theirs basically.

I wonder what they mean by this? Is it that you are expecting them to slot into your life as-is and make no changes to compromise? Like all decisions about where you live etc are already settled (not surprisingly if you have kids!) so this will never be a joint decision? Or do they mean you seem so sorted already they’re not sure where they fit in (the type who needs to be needed)? Or do they feel behind/incompatible because you’re already at the top of your career and looking to early retirement whereas they are still ramping up?

But it’s so binary- do you actually check passports before fancying someone?

I know guys in their 30s aging like milk who would show up in your filter- but a super fit 46 year old triathlete wouldn’t even make it into the search for you.

No one is saying you need to date 60 years- but it might be worth keeping the radar a little open should a unicorn appear…

It’s just a numbers game online. You will meet people you want to date. But it may take a while.

I am similar to you but no kids. I started online dating in my late 30s. The guys in my age range had kids but didn’t want to date me as I may want kids. I was unsure at the time. The older guys I just didn’t gel with. Or I earned much more and dud t have to worry about spontaneous meals out. I wanted someone with late teenage or grown up kids and who had the means to do activities and holidays. Also driving was a must - lots of guys I met didn’t drive.

I went on lots of first dates but most didn’t lead to anything. Met people outside my social circle. I tried elite singles and that was bad. was on all the usual sites and found I cycled through the same profiles.

however 5 years later I meet my DP. He had a similar criteria as me. 4 years strong. I wouldn’t have met him in real life and we are a great fit. He loves that I am independent and have my own home and great career. He is not my traditional type I would have chosen. But maybe my type was wrong.

iOLD was depressing at times and I had swipe fatigue. In my younger days I could met someone out. Now it’s online. You do have to just keep going as cyber date will hit. Just don’t lower your standards

My mother was just as concerned as you when she heard his age, but unfortunately hit me with the absolute clanger ‘you know, he actually looks younger than you’ 💀

Caring and stuff obviously a concern- but our lifestyle and finances lessen this worry.

But yes- the average man is aging like milk and the stock answer shouldn’t be ‘DATE OLDER’…but OP is in a tricky bracket due to wanting a LTR and being in different stages in life with the blokes her age, so it might be worth keeping options open and an eye out for an exception .

WTF! The OP is 36. Why the hell is she being urged to date men who are 55? She will just be a nurse with a purse.

Honestly, the arranged marriages of my culture are beginning to look good.🤔

I guess because you have to put a limit in and every age is close to another age. She can put 45, but 47 is so close. So she puts 47, but 49 is so close. Where does it end?

I wouldn't want to date anyone more than 10 years older than me either, and I would certainly not actively go out and look for it. OP is also only 36 and has young kids, why should she be encouraged to meet someone 20 years older like some PP suggested?

It's not binary though. I'm most attracted to men around my own age. Up to around 45 / 46 there will be some I am attracted to, but it gets fewer and fewer as the age goes up.

Not sure why everyone thinks it's a strict cut off, nor why saying "date 50 year olds" will somehow make me attracted to 50 year olds

I'm focusing on finding men I find attractive, for me, that's generally ages 32 to 43, but I'll consider 30 to 48 as these are my age filters. I find I'm not attracted many men over 45.

You have to have some filters because otherwise there are so many likes it's impossible to go through them. I don't want to waste time wading through 100s of 49 year olds I'm not attracted to, you have to cut off somewhere so I've cut it off a couple of years above what I'm usually interested in (48)

I've had a mix of all three said to me! I think being fixed as to location is a big one but that's a temporary issue with me, I will buy a second home at some point, likely in London. But it's been all three things, often all 3 said by one man

Oh my good lord! I have a son too and I feel bad for OP, being told to date men 30 years older.
I dont feel bad for men at all.

That’s exactly what I found combined with the fact that I find there is obsessed with sex at the age of 50 and 60 as they were at 18 only where I might’ve previously tolerated it because I wanted children now, If they aren’t bloody amazing and I’m not coming like a steam train, I won’t put up with it
So that’s usually the end of that and I do recommend sleeping with them sooner rather than later because I’ve met a nice man who is very nice and absolutely appalling in bed

Apparently, I should be dating 86-year-olds now they are thin on the ground

Get yourself in the will quickly Prof and you're onto a winner. Then you can be wealthy and date 25 year olds.

I did have a business meeting a couple of weeks ago with an ex Member of the House of Lords and Tory Peer
Didn’t even offer me so much as a glass of water and I travelled down to London to meet him.

They don’t get that wealth and hold onto it by accident or by spending it