Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

Yeah it's definitely the dating apps that are doing my head in. I will take a break and download tiktok again instead for that sweet dopamine hit....

Or go out and meet real people! 🤗😂

I read this article the other day which suggests that maybe the burned haystack isn't such a great idea and I can see it has some valid points.
https://medium.com/@ellyklein/burned-haystack-dating-method-review-why-the-burned-haystack-dating-method-doesnt-really-work-3f9ad995ec02

I’ve found dating in my 40s to be much better in this respect than dating in my 30s… once you are a bit older and start finding men in their late 40s and early 50s attractive then you will find plenty of men who will be up for dating a partner who already has children but don’t want any/ any more of their own.. I realise this isn’t much comfort when you would like to meet someone now but honestly it’s just a matter of time.

Unless you are lucky, it gets worse in your 40’s and even worse than that in your 50’s!

Agreed. Men in their thirties probably want women who don’t have young children/don’t have children at all. I can’t judge because I’m in my thirties and wouldn’t be interested in a single dad.

I would consider looking for someone a bit older (and hopefully more mature) if I was in your shoes. If you want someone your own age you may have to be patient and accept it may take a while. Try some of the paid sites like match rather than tinder/hinge. Anything free to join will automatically be full of sex pests/ losers/ time wasters imo. I met my partner on Reddit, but it took a lot of sifting through idiots first.

This is what I'm hoping especially because I'll be in a better place financially and less stressed about work I hope... Just got to keep myself looking attractive...

Oh I use Bumble, but also tried Match, the men on it were absolutely foul! I think that's area dependent. Hinge I get almost no matches, seems to be a younger crowd. Tinder I didn't like the men on there. I'm going to look into Elite Singles and maybe eharmony once I've taken a bit of a break.

I currently just don't find men 10 years + older than me attractive so maybe I need to wait a bit like you say

Doesn’t have to be ten years, you’re 36, what about someone 40/41?

good luck, online dating is hard, been there.

Several of my friends in a similar position to you are now in same-sex relationships, OP. I can see why!

If you have available finances then I'd try and take up some activities to fill your time as that's where the loneliness stems from I find. Do you like reading/films/theatre/art/running.....see what is around in your area or a little further if you can (but within your dating range). If nothing else you will find more people who you can converse with, maybe meet more, go to events with.
I find the hardest moments are the evenings/days when I am alone (even if it's just when the kids are in bed). Not having someone to watch TV with and talk about what we've seen, lack of physical contact. I don't have the finances to join groups so I just have to keep going. It's tough, and it's not you.
I'm slightly older, hilarious, but overweight and probably look like I need saving (but I don't, I have a home, a car, a job etc) but still I don't have men interested.

It just takes one is how I try and think about it. The key is probably dipping in and out of the dating scene to give yourself a break from how tough it can be.

The 40-45 crowd all want kids! Which surprised me. I would totally date men in that range (around 40 is ideal) but they seem to be a bunch of Peter Pans. They want kids but are figuring out their dating goals...

I genuinely had a couple of relationship potential guys on adultfriendfinder and fabswingers... but it isn't where I would go looking for a date exactly, unless your only interest is functional. I found those sites liberating at the time but I'm not sure I would go back there.

I agree that it's a slightly tricky dating time before the whole issue of children is out of court. I'd rather chew off my own ear than be with any more men who make being child free their whole personality, but I'm also a bit mystified by men who want family 2 with a second partner.

Good article, yes it's about people seeking the perfect dating profile, not perfect partner.

Ah OP, I am also a working professional single mother and I haven’t even tried to date yet because of lack of time and energy/health issues, plus I am significantly overweight after having puerpural psychosis with my one child then having to get out of the abusive marriage with his father and then being dragged through family court for 7 plus years….

I’m a good bit older than you, in my forties and my son is now in his last year of school so a slightly different phase of life now from you. But totally daunted by even the thought of it given what so many people say about dating at this age and stage of life. Especially while overweight as I know a lot of men can be extremely judgemental and cruel about that and honestly I don’t love the fact that I am overweight but it’s not going to change overnight either. But it affects my confidence especially for this sort of situation.

So you’re doing so much better than me to already be actively trying to date and going out to speed dating and rock climbing etc. Keep going! As most people I talk to say it gets harder in your 40s and 50s as (ridiculously) many men seem to have at that age finally decided they’d like to settle down and have children but only with someone age 20 or younger… argh. I know some people have said MeetUp type things can be good too. When I last looked online (ages ago now!) in my 30s I felt like it was the opposite issue of people not wanting kids at all, but also lots of those people also didn’t want to meet someone who wanted kids (which presumably extends to those who already have them! So stupid most of these dating apps in this day and age don’t have that as an option just want or don’t want them! Not have them and do or don’t want more…

Just posting in solidarity because I also hate being single and would love to find a really decent man for a proper relationship, And like you say it’s soooooo annoying when people say oh just be happy single, who wants a husband anyway (completely ignoring the fact that ummm they have a husband?! 🤣 And that actually the whole world is set up for couples and most people do live with a partner so it’s not like some weird difficult to understand desire 🤣)

I’d personally have been very open to more kids but am getting to the age where I may have to accept I have missed that particular boat… I’m always amazed there are no single parent dating apps, it does seem like the ideal solution for you to find a nice single dad! My friend got married to someone she met on eharmony so I think it’s well worth looking at that, I’ve looked at Elite Singles too and think it potentially looks good.

My other idea is Flash Pack holidays which isn’t a dating thing but given its mixed sex holidays for people in their 30s and 40s I would think there is at least a chance of meeting someone nice on there perhaps, especially if you’re into travelling. I think Exodus or one of those adventure type travel companies might do something similar for single parent holidays. Or I went on a trip once with Friendship Travel which was good but mainly people in their late 40s and above. I did do some single parent holidays with specific companies in the past too, one of them has since collapsed with the pandemic sadly but I did have a great ski trip with single parents on holiday, again not a dating thing but I couldn’t help but notice more than 50 percent of parents were men with teen kids! Sadly I didn’t meet anyone but one of the other women I made friends with there did!

I do understand the not being able to build a life feeling. When I was newly single at 35, I met a lovely guy at a social group. We got on really well and I did find him attractive but I realised that I definitely wasn't looking for a partner like him, his life was too 'sorted'. He was a senior professional, had his own home, was very close to his family who lived locally, and had lots of goals that he wanted to achieve both personally and professionally. I just didn't see a place for me in the life of someone like that - it would have suffocated me.

Most other mid 30s men (and women) I met were much less settled in life. Many renting rooms in house shares, still getting established career wise. I was somewhere in between (own home but still in training stage of my career). The 30s does seem to be a decade where people can be at very different stages so I can understand your position. To be at the stage you're at - young kids and very well paid career - by your mid 30s is quite unusual from my experience. I'd focus on meeting new people in general rather than focusing on online dating. You never know who might be out there ☺️

Me too.

Like you OP, I am a professional single parent, divorced when DC’s were all under the age of 5. Own home, financially sound, independent.

Late 40’s I met my long term partner. We have 7 DC’s between us all mid teens onwards when we met. No way would we have blended a family if they had been younger.

In my late 30’s I ‘dated’ a man who lived in Europe due to work but had DC’s living locally who he returned to see.
We had a very carefree relationship, flying in and out of the UK and Europe to meet for a weekend every fortnight, plus a few extra weeks during holiday times.

Perfect!

Adult time together, new, exciting, (places, friends, experiences), no impact on our DC’s and no intention long-term of being together if I'm honest. At the same time, I felt wanted.

Yes - it's been a recurring theme for me, I'm always in a hurry to get everything done (including divorce it seems, marry in haste and repent at leisure they say!). Now I'm realising it's set me on a path where it's hard to find a partner in the age range I want to date. I'm in a similar position to the guy you mentioned - I've achieved most of what I want to professionally and now I'm moving into hobbies and personal goals (taking language lessons, learning a musical instrument, new sport lessons etc). It's fun. But I'm lonely. I do see why it wouldn't feel right to someone (like my most recent ex) who has a good job but is still trying to work his way up the ladder, is renting, etc. He was 38 but I did all the stuff he is now focused on 10 years ago, so it doesn't feel like an equal partnership. Bleuuuurgh

@Britneyfan those holidays sound really interesting. I'm definitely going to look them up. Thanks for posting, it's nice to read replies from people in a similar situation tbh. I get why you're nervous around putting yourself back out there. Men are judgemental and can be shallow but honestly I think we all have something to be insecure about. It is why the apps are so hard. I am very insecure about being a single mum of young kids and I know it impacts how I put myself out there sometimes. So when you do dip your toe in be very kind to yourself, it's not easy.

And you're right, there are not enough options on the apps to adequately express the children factor even though for most people it's their number 1 dealbreaker!

I get it. But you should feel proud of all you've achieved. I think the biggest thing for me was how physically settled this guy was - he had recently bought a home and was obviously happy with his nearby family. Whereas I'd only lived there for a couple of years. I felt like committing to someone in his position would mean committing to my life in that city for evermore. I just wasn't ready for that. Ironically, 10 years on I still live there! Maybe I was too negative/worrying about nothing. No one has a crystal ball.

Thank you. I get that too. It's interesting because I've struggled a bit to understand this line of thinking fully but you've helped with that. Thanks again.

Intelligent has so many definitions! Do you mean "rich, well paid job intelligent" or emotionally intelligent ? socially intelligent? Intelligent in a field that they love?
Since having my son, I feel so bad for men.

I mean a fairly specific type of wordy intelligence as I have niche interests. I am attracted to very bookish men basically. Don't care about money as long as I don't have to pay for him (never dated a man who earns more than me in fact). I've dated men who are not university educated too. Why does my post make you feel sorry for men?

I think maybe your standards are to high!
It's sad but I think most "intelligent, attractive and kind men" will either want someone who wants children, or who doesn't already have another man's. The type of man you are looking for will be able to get almost anyone and has a whole pool of young and very attractive willing women

Ok interesting. I think we might see the world differently. I am not going to have sex with men I'm not attracted to. Best of luck to your son though.