Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

It does a bit unlikely that you’d be attracted to a 45 year old but not a 47 year old, especially if you’re not necessarily interested in muscle bound jock types who age less well. Jon Hamm is 54, just sayin. Maybe think about relaxing that as a hard boundary and taking attractiveness on a case by case basis?

It does seem you’re in a bit of a rock and hard place as most people want to build something together rather than step into a ready made life, unless they are cock lodgers. Other option- nice mid twenties guy? Fun sex, fun dates, young and fun with the kids on days out, no pressure and relaxed, might turn into something or fizzle out in time for you to start being interested in men a little older.

I hear you. I was single for years and getting gaslit by people in relationships was REALLY boring.

OP i totally understand where you are coming from. The tricky bit is that relationships require compromise and you have a lot of red lines, I'm guessing? So you are looking for someone who is secure financially, sufficiently cool with kids to be OK with spending time with yours but not wanting any of their own. Local enough. Etc.

You need to consider your Must Haves and your Nice to Haves. That may mean you need to adjust your assumptions about certain attributes.

It sounds like you need to be meeting single dads whose kids are older (late teens minimum).

The schedule thing is annoying.

@friendswiththemonstera

You may agree or disagree with my message but I am happy to see that at least you are willing to give it a try and discuss about it.

"By your advice, I should already be doing fine as I'm dating men who are solvent but otherwise don't have massive savings and don't own assets."

I am sorry, but that your perception is distorted. I did not imply that.
Men who are solvent and otherwise don't have massing savings and don't own assets are focusing on women younger than you and as attractive as you with no children, or women your age and maybe children but who they feel are more attractive than you. Like I said, reality is brutal.

"But the reality is that a man in his late 30s who is in debt finds me less attractive than a man in his late 40s who is wealthy."

It figures. By the time they reach 40, they are probably giving up on having children with someone so they don't pay as much attention to the fact you may or not may have children.

"But I'm attracted to men closer to my age. That's my entire problem."
I agree. It boils down to that. The chances of you finding what you want are really thin. Not impossible. But look how much frustration it is causing to you.
You need to start coming to terms that chances are you won't find what you are looking for and find tools that help you to deal with that.

Good luck.

Men my age who don't want kids, but also find that they don't want to be with someone who is settled in life when they aren't (middling careers etc)

Tell us more about this?

@TipsyRaven247 I'm very confused by your posts and I think you might be misunderstanding mine, but thanks for replying anyway.

@Mulledjuice I've had a few men end things with me and say that the fact I had kids wasn't a deal breaker, the fact I don't want kids wasn't a deal breaker, but they wanted to build a life with someone who hadn't already built theirs basically. There was an exchange earlier in the thread with a poster who once broke up with someone for this reason which was pretty illuminating to me.

Yes that would be ideal but again they're all late 40s. I reckon I should keep plugging away but accept that I might have more luck in my early 40s. That way I'm looking at the 42-50 crowd, which should align with where I am then.

I agree with this. To be honest, my problem with this strategy is that it's almost a (less damaging) equivalent to incel ideology in that it doesn't truly see the opposite sex as human beings, more like an adversarial group that has to be treated suspiciously and processed in a systematic way

This is hilarious - as a 43 yo I'd be going for 72 yos? As a 55 yo, I could expect a 96 yo? I mean I know as a woman I apparently lose value over age 40 but this equation really takes the biscuit 😂

Only if he has money, don't forget. The poorer he is, the younger you can date!

Though from their most recent response it seems that I must accept my fate and die alone because even the poor ones are looking for prettier women than me. I think that poster just felt I needed humbling frankly.

YES re Burned Haystack 🙌🏼

I agree with a previous poster who said you need to not staunchly rule out the mid-late 40s men. There are a lot of good looking men in that age range, particularly if they don't want kids who are still single and looking to date your age range. They would also probably be fine with everything else you have said. I have always dated older men and I'm stopping this now as I actually want to have kids (I'm 38) and unfortunately a lot of the men I've dated who are 10 years older etc have said they do etc but then when it comes to it they clearly have commitment issues etc. I'd actually go as far as to suggest that if a man is mid 40s and hasn't had children/marriage, it's very rare that they genuinely want it (or have commitment issues). Obviously if you're not coming across any men in that age range that's different, but if your filters are ruling them out automatically then I would definitely reconsider.

My filters go up to 48 but I haven't really looked at any men that age and thought they're attractive when I've been swiping. I reckon I might need to wait until I'm older as I seem to have attraction for men within 5-7 years of my age (both sides). There are outliers obviously but generally that's what I'm finding

Hi, divorced mum of two school aged children. Like you, I also have a professional job, some would call it prestigious. I met my current partner online and we have been together three years. Do not believe all they say about men wanting women to bear their children or them being “afraid” of self-sufficient women. My suggestion is to get curious, be kind, don’t judge too harshly (intelligence, looks), and be open minded and you will attract someone who is the same. If you want a life partner but do not want to adapt or change anything about your current life, I think that is a hard sell. Men also have settled lives at this life-stage and so there has to be some give and take. It can be worth it. I think the attitude of “I am amazing, why are there no other people around my level” attitude is off-putting and self-defeating.

A couple of questions.

• What age is “too old” as you say “late 40s” is an issue but would a man 10 years older be ok?

I think you need to be clear what is ok and what is not.

• You say you have a “demanding but extremely well remunerated job” are you being limited by that without thinking about it?

Are you looking for someone on your level or is someone who ears a lot less ok? Are your social circles restricted by cost of activities? That would limit you and high earning mid 30s single men may be looking for younger women. I knew a lawyer who earned very well and eventually married a university lecturer but she always significantly out earned him which may have reduced their chance of meeting socially (they met via work).

If you are looking for a man 30-45 who already has kids (as childless may either want them or dislike the idea of yours) it depends what your location is like to meet them. I don’t think dating apps are a good idea. Lots of research on how bad they are, they make money by clients staying single.

Unless you know what you want from a man it is hard to work out where you are most likely to meet someone who meets that description.

I found myself in a similar position as you OP but with kids in late teens/early 20s and I'm 10 years older than you.

A lot of men liked me initially and I got a lot of matches/dates but what bothered them all the most after a while was that I didn't need them for anything. I have money, live in a nice place, have a good job, a holiday home, kids are independent etc. Some of them had better salaries than me but they hadn't invested wisely or just spent it on rubbish so they didn't have much to show for it. I foolishly expected it to be easy to date when you have less responsibilities, look good, can afford to to fun stuff etc. but apparantly it's too intimidating for a lot of men. I deleted all the apps a year and a half ago and haven't looked back since.

Can you date someone you work with? You need to be dating someone who is your equal in terms of lifestyle and earning potential. Having said that your daughters are very young and I’d probably pause it all for a few years.

Ugh this is depressing. That's where I am expecting to be in 10 years when my kids are on the verge of moving out. I was hoping it would be easier then.

I hope you get to my stage though where you seriously thrive being single. I appreciate everything about it these days since peri hit. Love having my own space, go to sleep on my own, waking up on my own, cook what I want to eat, not cleaning up after anyone, not having to listen to anyones bodily sounds (farting, burping, coughing, sneezing, groaning). There is just no compromising anymore and that is really quite refreshing after having raised kids. I get to see people when I want to and I get to enjoy my peace when I want to.

Do you have strict criteria for men, like needing them to be over 6 feet tall or have blue eyes? If so, you might be significantly narrowing your dating pool

Hmm, the way I'd frame it is this:

Being single is consistent, stable and I focus on myself and my children. There is a general level of contentment. But my overall happiness is higher when I'm closely emotionally connected to a partner. That close emotional connection really feeds my soul I guess.

No advice OP but interested to hear what sort of problems you've had with dads specifically?

No I don't. I date men 5ft 7 and above and am neutral about hair, eyes etc. Obviously I have some preferences but I will happily date men who don't match them if I find them attractive or at least not off putting. My last ex I actually wasn't sure until our third date if I even thought he was attractive, but I kept persisting because the emotional connection was promising, and attraction definitely wasn't an issue after the fourth date.

Think I should just keep going really, but be patient.

That's fair. I think then it's just a numbers game until you find him. I have seen that some have said you should lower your expectations, I wouldn't do that. You are perfectly fine on your own and for a man to be able to feed your soul you need those expectations to be met. Otherwise you will just end up with a so-so bloke.

Ah, I have just seen your other posts.

So it sounds like you are looking for:
30-42;
Probably a single dad;
Reasonably fit and healthy (I’m assuming but likely);
Very bookish (wordy intelligence);
Kind;
At least self sufficient (if in London that is higher earning than it ought to be plus a single dad will have costs from that);
Likely some shared hobbies (assuming based on career limiting time and wanting to retain hobbies).

Have you tried taking the hobbies you currently have and going to some new places to do them (if you are in one running club try a different one or if you play music see if there are some ad-hoc activities where people will attend). You are probably too busy to change too much in your life but taking what you do and expanding the connections may help? What are your hobbies? Are any which have a decent number of men interested?

Also, avoid thinking like (as so many do) thinking that a man who looses interest is “intimidated” or other “blaming”/”shaming” language lots of people use. Often things end because people loose interest and this mindset doesn’t help when going back out there.