Finding love as a single professional mother feels impossible

[friendswiththemonstera]

A familiar fear / whine: I'm finding dating so hard. There are so few intelligent men out there that seem kind and attractive. I don't know if my standards are too high. Anyone half decent still wants to meet someone to have children with (and these are men approaching or over 40) and I don't want any more, as I have two already (8 and 5).

I have 50/50 custody. They are girls and both lovely. I have a demanding but extremely well remunerated job, which affords me a lot of respect and a social life. I have great friends and I exercise a lot, I'm in shape. I get told I'm pretty and that I'm funny. But I'm starting to think that having things together in other respects isn't helping but hindering my chances.

Lots of the men I've dated recently have mentioned when ending things that they don't feel they could build a life with me - I am settled where I am because of the kids, I have my own house and I am basically (at 36) making a financial plan for retirement in my 50s.

The men my age are either divorced with kids (and I don't seem able to make this work at all) or have never owned their own home, are still middling at work and often don't even drive. We're just at completely different life stages. I don't feel attracted to the late 40s men but they seem to be the ones I would be compatible with in terms of lifestyle and needs.

Not even sure why I'm writing this. I just feel despondent and like I won't ever meet someone. It's making me stressed and use the dating apps to a truly hideous degree.

My ex husband was pretty awful but he's been in a relationship since about 8 months after we split in Autumn 2021. So maybe the problem is me...

I am in a similar boat to you OP. My "ideal" partner would be

A Professional in private sector earning 50K+
B A mother whose children are over 16

These 2 requirements alone eliminate about 95% of the dating pool so I guess I will have to be a bit more flexible.

It sounds an awful thing to say but dating someone of a lower intellect is soul destroying

I've not read every update but am going to say 30s are tricky. Such a vast range of life stages. Kids/ no, financial/ career position discrepancy. Also your requirements and personal goals are quite specific. Nothing wrong with that, I was the same when dating (slightly different parameters, no kids, wanted my own but not dads to keep it simple. But similarly to you, I didn't just want anyone to go to the pub with).

I'd say you're in no hurry, date, be fussy in terms of connection and general goals and compatibility. Bide your time. As long as they're kind, interesting, interested, solvent and an equal in terms of keeping up with your mind and direction, you can afford to keep a roughly open mind as you're not in a rush wanting children. Take long breaks. If you feel yourself getting bogged down by a certain 'type' or chasing a 'maybe' then take a longer break. You are in a great position. You can afford to be patient.

I would say also give chances to those who are in clever and great jobs but aren't super slick. As in, have dedicated a lot of time to studies and work and are only just looking to settle now in their mid 30s as long as they're truly open and aware to a mum with kids and what that entails. I met some lovely men including my DP in these types of fields, STEM, medicine etc.

Have found this thread really interesting. Particularly the discussion about ages.

I am 37 with two young children. I would be open minded to dating someone older, however I would struggle with anyone over the age of 50 simply because my parents were young parents and my Dad is late 50s and I just couldn’t date someone a similar age to my Dad!!

The only piece of advice I can offer on the basis of my friends’ experience, which confirms a lot of the comments above. Professional men in late 30s/early 40s who become single have a lot of options even if they have kids so it is going to be very difficult or next to impossible to meet one for a relationship in your case.

A late 30s divorcee whom my friend works with is re-marrying a woman he met at work who is 10 years younger - even if he has a child he is keen to have more. An early 40s divorcee is in a relationship with a late 30s lady with no kids because he already has his hand full with his three kids and a busy career. I suspect these are the men you would be interested so I think this illustrates their choices.

One of the options are perhaps to look outside professional circles and accept you may need to support a partner financially or otherwise to some extent. A friend of mine has done that and is very happy despite having to support her partner through unemployment and continues to be the main breadwinner. He is supportive in other ways and they have been together a long time now.

The other option as mentioned above - which I can understand is not appealing - is someone older with grown kids. This is what a friend of mine with similarly aged kids but a bit older has done by marrying someone 15 years older whose kids are grown up.

Or you could perhaps try to meet people through your kids school and activities - most divorces tend to happen in 40s and above - so you may meet other single dads. I suspect you have most in common with them.

Interesting how women are willing to take on kids but men aren't.

What about a dating agency?? I’ve no idea if they still exist but I’d hope for a different type of man on there in 30s/40s who might have the bar a bit higher! Best of luck to you xo

As I've said a few times now, I'm not looking to date men at my level of wealth and I'm also not at all interested in targeting the above 45s.

Looks like I'll die alone! Thanks 😂

In seriousness, my plan is to keep plugging away, keep my standards high and if I have to wait until the men around my age have caught up a bit then I'll do that.

Thanks all, I probably won't come back to the thread now but appreciate the responses.

As a mid 40s woman I can confirm that whilst you will definitely meet more divorcees in this age range, I am not so sure you will find them attractive when you are in your 40s. I just don’t think it gets any easier when you are in your 40s and finding a partner at this stage requires either incredible luck or a massive compromise. There is just no ready answer/solution.

The point we are all making is that you are being very rigid in your criteria and this is likely going to keep you single for a long time. It is up to you whether you want to relax the criteria - for example try to date other single dads with kids around your kids’ ages who aren’t that much older - or whether you prefer to remain single. I have seen this first hand with myself and my single (childless) mid 30s friends who remain single for the same reason. The others who have met a partner after age 35 had to make big compromises on age/occupation/living situation/retirement plan/life stage.

I don't really want to keep going into it, but just one last time before I unwatch the thread - I don't think I'm being that rigid not to want to date men who will be in their 70s when I'm looking to start a young and healthy retirement.

Other than that, I don't see what's so rigid in what ive said in my responses. I do try to date dads. I'm not looking for men at the same level of wealth or professionalism as me. Did you read the whole thread?

From what you read on Mumsnet more than half the guys aren’t prepared to parent their own children never mind anybody else else’s?

I met my now husband at 36 and after a very messy divorce. He was 41 and also divorced. I had two kids 50/50 shared care - 3 and 6 at the time - he didn't have any although had always wanted a family. I was also a professional working very long hours (teacher) but I made time for a new relationship and we've been together 7 years now ❤️

Honestly I only ever see this on MN. I’m mid-30s and have female friends ranging from late 20s to mid-40s, and the only one who would consider a man with children has a child herself. For the child-free of us it’s a complete non-starter.

I think you need to aim older for anything serious to be likely. A man in his late 30s-mid 40s who likes children enough to be willing to build a life with 2 young children in the family unit is extremely likely to want his own children.
And he's young enough to easily find that if ticking all the other boxes you have.

I would also think about how important a successful career is, rather than just an average job. If you strive for absolute perfection it won't necessarily exist. Personally I think personality, intelligence and similar interests in free time are more important than finances. Obviously there's levels where it would impact your life, but just working an average job wouldn't be a deal breaker for me in your situation.

You may also notice this isn’t what the OP said. She said her issue was not men not interested in a women with kids but those who were often wanted more with the new partner.

Some people are just looking to attach their prejudice to someone else. They are very similar to the pp who was saying most women in their 40s would go for a rich man in his 70s, yet they lack the self awareness to see it.

If people are childless by choice, they often don’t want to be step parents either, the desire to make it a man/woman thing is odd. They just can’t accept others choices.

Your standards aren’t excessive (your reliance on apps probably will be a waste of time though) so ignore the suggestion you should want something you don’t. But also ignore those who say things like “keep your standards high” your standards should be relevant.

People talk about “high” standards and that is unhelpful. If you want a man who doesn’t want more kids then that is a binary preference “high” and “low” standards doesn’t come in to it and if people discuss it with you in these terms it starts to feel like judgement for that preference and pressure to abandon it.

I think some people use the terms because they want to seem themselves as having “the best” when they have what they want. It is just as choosing a small flat in zone 1 is not better or worse than a big house in commuter belt (they probably cost the same) they are just different and suit people with different preferences.

I met my partner when we were 39&40. We are both divorced. My kids were similar ages to yours and he had none and had never wanted them.
I was honest that I had kids from the start. But we met on a hobby-related night out rather than a dating site so could just chat and find we got on without it being the pressure of a date.
We took things slowly with the kids (he didn’t meet them for a year and didn’t move in until 4 years in) but he gets along well with them and loves them. Both of us had and have decent professional jobs.

Just to say it isn’t impossible, though I do know I am lucky to find someone who both didn’t have kids but does get on well with them. I’m very average looking fwiw.

I would focus on sociable hobbies and expanding social life - sports clubs with a good social side, this type of holiday https://www.muchbetteradventures.com/ which can be fitted in on a long weekend. Meeting more people might not result in meeting the ideal bloke straight away but all those people will also know other people etc

I will preface by saying that the majority of straight men do not generally place the same value as women do on income and net worth. Have you seen all of the online vitriol at the moment towards single mothers? It's disgusting but in the eyes of some men, being a single mother is akin to being significantly overweight in terms of desirability. I'm sorry to say that the dating pool will almost certainly have drastically narrowed. It may take far you longer to find someone who you deem kind, attractive and intelligent, within a suitable age range and open to dating a woman with two children.

I spoke to a guy once Who told me that after he’d been in a relationship with me for six years, he would be on the hook for child support for my children as my common-law husband 🤣🤣
This was an intelligent man in a responsible role and obviously somebody somewhere has fed him that line.

When I pointed out that the government can’t even force the biological fathers to pay up that seem to take the wind out of his sails but it was almost as though he was gonna have to think of something else as a reason to not date women with children now in his mind.

OP - didn't you say your care was 50/50? So dating should be manageable?

Wishing the best of luck to you, OP. I don't think you're too narrow at all with what you're looking for. If you don't go for much older men, that's your preference. Why should you have to compromise, you've got everything going for you.

I keep thinking, as a male, about the financial side of this. From what I can tell you’re not just well-off, you’re loaded (planning a second home in London - in your mid-30s!!?). I absolutely would find that intimidating but from what you’ve said as long as a partner can pay his way 50/50 then it’s not a problem for you and there’s no reason for them to be intimidated.

So here’s my suggetion. Don't even mention your financial status/income etc until you’re three or four dates in and feel like you trust the guy and that things could be going somewhere. Explain it as a problem for you (as you have here) and not as a potential problem or insecurity for him. Explain that you don’t want or need a luxury lifestyle, just someone who can share the bills and do normal stuff; go out for meals, theatre, city breaks etc that people on average incomes can easily manage as a couple.

Let him feel like he could be the solution to a problem rather than the potential problem himself.

Obviously that means you’re going to have to forego a lot of stuff you might enjoy and could easily afford. But the balance might change over time. A guy in the age bracket we’re talking about still has a lot of potential to build his career and maybe in the future you’ll feel like downshifting or career changing and the imbalance won’t be so stark.

I understand the OPs experience. I was dating in my early to late 30s, 2 children (although mine were older than OPs) and highish earner. Men told me they were concerned I wouldn't need them enough due to my income (laughably my ex listed my career as one of the reasons he cheated on me as I didn't make him feel needed enough). Others thought I was their meal ticket and no, I didn't share my income but assumptions were made based on where I lived.

I was also open to having more kids until I was around 40. Would've needed to be right person with right circumstances. But men who wanted kids didn't want them with me as I already had two. I did date a guy who had a child but he was such a lackluster father, I was turned right off him.

I eventually met my now boyfriend of 10 years online. I don't even remember the site. It was a free one I signed up to with a friend whilst drinking wine. He earns a fifth of my gross income but that's by choice following a career change. Is solvent, well educated interesting and can be quite funny. However, I call him my boyfriend as after what he found was a difficult divorce, he doesn't want to commit in a way I would be able to refer to him as my partner. We have no shared life goals, have never discussed living together but we are in a monogamous relationship. In the early days I found the lack of future planning difficult and not part of the type of relationship I wanted. Now I'm fine with it. I keep my independence whilst still sharing much of my life with someone.

Gotta say. This is all great insight for a guy getting back into the dating pool.!