Holiday ruined, husband ill and being a bit of a prat

[Blocuian]

Me and DH are abroad on what was meant to be a much needed holiday, first one in years just the two of us. It’s been totally ruined. He’s come down with what I think is food poisoning – been in and out the loo constantly, can’t eat, sweating and miserable. I get that he’s ill and it’s not his fault, but it’s how he’s being that’s getting to me.

I offered to get a doctor (hotel can arrange and we’ve got insurance) but he snapped at me that I “don’t care anyway” and told me not to bother. I’ve been sat in this hotel room for 2 days while he refuses food, won’t let me open the curtains and gets stroppy if I even mention going out for a walk or a coffee. He says if I go out it just proves I don’t care.

This sort of behaviour isn’t completely out of the blue either – lately he’s been a bit controlling in general, doesn’t like me doing much without him, makes digs, gets passive aggressive. I didn’t realise how much until being stuck in a room with him like this.

I’m honestly thinking about flying home early. I feel like I’m not helping him by sitting here while he sulks and makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave the room. But I know if I go he’ll say I abandoned him.

What would you do? Anyone else been in this sort of situation? Feel like I’m going mad.

I would be suspicious if this too…

Every cloud etc. People-watching in a cafe, having a wander somewhere new or sitting round the pool is a great opportunity to take stock OP. While nobody's at their best when ill, this is not normal behaviour on your husband's part.

The fact that he's not concerned he's picked up some bug and could pass it on to you - and it hasn't even occurred to you that he should be - already says quite a lot. Even if it is just food poisoning, him forcing you to sit in a darkened room with him while the bug takes its natural but revolting course is odd, to say the least. Borderline abusive or narcissistic behaviour are other ways of seeing it.

Put together with the other things you've said, it doesn't add up to a happy or healthy relationship. Sounds like you've already come to this realisation OP, and all power to you going forward.

I have looked but can't find ONS. Wish people would use the full term, just the first time.
Have lunch and lose yourself for the afternoon, OP. If I was being sick, I'd rather be alone. Why does he want an audience.

I had this last week on holiday with DH coming down sick. He was a massive pain in the bum but never stopped me going anywhere without him or tried to control what I did.

With the ONS backstory your husbands current behaviour seems quite suspicious. Is he feeling guilty about something and taking it out on you?

One night stand.

One night stand

Me too.

Did you need your other half with you constantly and get shitty with them when they weren't fully focused on you?

ONS is a pretty universal acronym, not an MN one.

You have to move with the world, the world won't move for you, sadly.

Another one suspecting he’s playing away again and doing the usual lashing out at you because he doesn’t like that he’s in the wrong.
He will respect you MORE if you stand up for yourself. It takes just as much energy to say something kind as to say something mean, regardless of how ill he is. Just gather your confidence and tell him you being there is doing him no good and you’re going out.

Just looked, was azithromyicin which is an antibiotic.

Call the doc, don’t give him the option, and when the doc arrives take that opportunity to step outside…and stay out for hours. Doubt he’ll kick off in front of the doc, and if he does it when you return just tell him people who don’t care don’t call doctors, and that you were becoming distressed seeing him like that etc. And then respectfully tell him youll help him follow the advice of the doc, but will otherwise disengage. This isn’t a you-problem.

Go out anyway, it's your holiday too
It's so controlling to say if you do, you don't care!
seems like he's doing nothing to help himself although I get he feels unwell
Please go out, he will complain whatever you do.

Experience has taught me that with men, if they’re ill, you need to either remove yourself to another room/take yourself off somewhere and leave them to it. Or be like Florence Nightingale and be at their side mopping their brow and nursing them. Anything in between is pointless. I usually take the route of disappearing…..

If I was ill like that I'd want my partner to look out for me-in terms of making sure I had snacks, water etc. I'd want him to be with me when the doctor came. And I'd be really upset if he went and did an activity I was really excited about without me.

I wouldn't be upset if he went out for a walk/a drink/lunch/a swim, checked in by text every hour or so, popped back to check on me every few hours. I wouldn't want him to have an awful holiday!

Thanks, I thought it was a medical abbreviation.

I’m in a similar position on the holiday I am currently on but my husband is more than happy for me to potter around the resort and is actively encouraging me to still enjoy even tjough he has been unwell in bed. I think he’s genuinely gutted he’s been unwell but it’s hard not to feel a bit resentful as we aren’t having the holiday I’d hoped for so I understand where you are coming from.

But your husband is being very unfair making you stay in the room. I wouldn’t accept that and I’d go out anyway. I’d only stay if I genuinely felt my husband was so unwell he needed someone to keep an eye on him but if that were the case we would be at the doctors or hospital rather than staying in the room. I wouldn’t blame you for going home early but it would make me reconsider my relationship if he had form for this behaviour

Consider we are talking illness, I assumed he had a health scare. Ocular maybe?
After 23 years of successive cheating, believe me I know what ONS is in that context.

That's the sort of thing my ex would have tried - "You're abusive for not wanting to stay and listen to me throwing up and shitting! And controlling for not enjoying the smells". He too was a cheat. And an arsehole, but you don't need me to tell you that.

If I can offer any advise @Blocuian it would be to read Spiked by Caroline Campbell while you're sitting by the pool or doing whatever the hell you like.

That's ridiculous! You need to leave the room for your own sanity. You can't help him get better anyway and he should be able to cope on his own for a few hours. If I'm ill, I'd rather be alone but I know we're all different and some people prefer company. It just sounds like he's not thinking about your feelings at all.

Definitely go out. He's miserable either way. As for being unhappy when you make plans excluding him he is absolutely deflecting. Guilty conscience speaking.

My father is a doctor. Get over yourself.

This!

He can say you’ve abandoned him. He can say the queen is blue - he can say anything he likes

you know you haven’t, you just doing what anyone would do in that situation - be compassionate but get on with your holiday

Go and sit by the pool for a bit if that's what you would enjoy - as long as you do not think he is at risk in any way. Sitting there is not going to help him. Is he drinking? If you think he might be dehydrated he needs to see a doc.