Holiday ruined, husband ill and being a bit of a prat

[Blocuian]

Me and DH are abroad on what was meant to be a much needed holiday, first one in years just the two of us. It’s been totally ruined. He’s come down with what I think is food poisoning – been in and out the loo constantly, can’t eat, sweating and miserable. I get that he’s ill and it’s not his fault, but it’s how he’s being that’s getting to me.

I offered to get a doctor (hotel can arrange and we’ve got insurance) but he snapped at me that I “don’t care anyway” and told me not to bother. I’ve been sat in this hotel room for 2 days while he refuses food, won’t let me open the curtains and gets stroppy if I even mention going out for a walk or a coffee. He says if I go out it just proves I don’t care.

This sort of behaviour isn’t completely out of the blue either – lately he’s been a bit controlling in general, doesn’t like me doing much without him, makes digs, gets passive aggressive. I didn’t realise how much until being stuck in a room with him like this.

I’m honestly thinking about flying home early. I feel like I’m not helping him by sitting here while he sulks and makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave the room. But I know if I go he’ll say I abandoned him.

What would you do? Anyone else been in this sort of situation? Feel like I’m going mad.

OP has suggested that but he said no. She can't force him to see a doctor. It sounds like he's just wallowing in the drama.

Has he been drinking enough water, as my ex had calcium in his badder, very painful lower abdominal pain?

He’s in pain, but won’t take the meds or see a doctor. He’s sleeping but wants you there to… what? Watch him sleep? He won’t let you soothe his fevered brow with cool flannels or drinks, so he really does just want to make you as miserable as he is.

What an absolute cock.

Just thinking, I'm in my bed ATM feeling sorry for myself. My mum asked if I wanted to go with her to town to today but i didn't feel like it. No way would I suggest she not go either just because I don't feel up to it.

I can't fathom being so selfish that you are ill for all of 5 minutes and won't let anyone else have any fun because of it. That's like, 4 year old tantrum behaviour.

There has to be something seriously wrong for a person to be that selfish.

I mean what, are you supposed to stay in and wipe his arse or something?

Just get a damned doctor if it has been going on for a couple of days and he's still ill. It doesn't matter if he complains. Then, make sure he has all he needs and go out.

This!!! He sounds like a right prick!! Horrible, abusive, controlling arsehole.

If you are saying things have changed lately then all this performative BS is likely as a result of that.

I'd bet my bra strap he has an agenda of some sort. Can you ask to borrow his phone to ....look something up. What would be his response?

Thanks so much, honestly it’s really helping hearing all this. I don’t think it’s anything serious like appendicitis – it came on Sunday evening after we’d been out for dinner and he had prawns and some other bits he doesn’t normally eat. He was properly unwell that night and all through Monday as well, so I did feel for him then. He barely moved yesterday and just wanted quiet, didn’t even want me talking which I actually understood tbh, I was just trying to keep him comfortable and not make things worse.

It’s more today it’s turned into something else – now he’s saying I shouldn’t be going out, asking why I left, making comments like I don’t care. The snappiness and guilt-tripping has really ramped up which is what’s got me feeling a bit off about it all.

I don’t think he needs a doctor at this point, though if he’s still saying he’s in agony tomorrow I might go to reception myself and get one sent up. He’s had plenty of chances to let me help and he’s said no to everything. I’m planning on going to breakfast tomorrow and having a proper day out, will offer to bring something back up to him and then I’m heading off. I need to stop waiting around for him to act like I’ve done something wrong when I really haven’t.

A regular person would either be so ill that they are worried and need you there for support but would be asking for a doctor.

Or ill enough to feel lousy but would be trying OTC medicines and electrolytes etc to get well as quickly as possible but be happy for their spouse not to have to lose the whole holiday as well and send them out to enjoy what they can while they get better.

You might have to start treating him like the child he is being and open the curtains and windows to get some light and fresh air in there. Stand over him while he drinks some water and electrolytes and if he's still being sick and has stomach pain tomorow call a doctor.

Write a holiday diary dates and times just incase and keep a copy of his texts,

Definitely controlling behaviour. If I were that unwell, I'd be desperate to be alone in a dark room, with you maybe checking on me every few hours (or whatever) to make sure I didn't require a drink or a trip to hospital 😆 I can't think of anything worse than having someone hovering around when all I want to do is feel sorry for myself.

Some of you have mentioned cheating again… I honestly don’t know. Part of me wants to say no, because he hardly ever goes anywhere. He works from home now, doesn’t do nights out or anything like that. If he does go out, it’s normally with me or one of the kids. Longest he’s out on his own is maybe an hour when he does a food shop now and then.

I remember a poster on here whose husband was cheating in the time he was going out to walk the dog.

He's had an affair before and he is either doing so again, or lining up a situation that allows him to do so by making you the bad/uncaring person who is breaking the marriage vows (in sickness and in health) on this holiday. No matter what you do, you will be in the wrong, because even if you stay in the darkened room with him the entire time, that too will not be good enough and you will somehow still be uncaring. He's breaking the link of his own guilt from his previous ons. He's creating a new link to your current "behaviour" and whatever fucking around he's doing or going to be doing, and manufacturing a situation where he had "no choice" but to look for affection elsewhere, since you are uncaring and unfeeling. This is in keeping with the cheater's script. He is re-writing your marriage on this holiday.

OP, if I were you, I would probably book another room for a couple of days and stay away from him. If it's not food poisoning but some sort of a tummy bug he has got, then you might catch it too.

and oh sorry, you've absolutely done nothing wrong. His message about being in pain and you've left? He'd still be in bloody pain if you were there staring at him. There's fuck all you can do and he's being ridiculous.

God what a bitchy little martyr he is! Rolling around making a huge scene but then refusing all help. Wanting you to sit and witness his ‘pain’ while belittling you. What a charmer. He sounds like he has the emotional maturity of the bad prawn he ate.

Oh love, that sounds absolutely miserable – and not just because of the food poisoning. Being ill is one thing, but the way he’s treating you isn’t okay. It’s not caring to trap you in a dark hotel room and guilt-trip you for wanting a coffee. That’s control, not illness talking.

You’re not going mad – you’re seeing things clearly. It’s often situations like this that shine a light on behaviour we’ve been tolerating bit by bit. Trust your gut. Go out for a walk, get some fresh air, reclaim a bit of peace. If he kicks off, that says more about him than you.

Sending strength – you deserve better than this. 💐

Leave him to complain, go out and get fresh air and when you come back perhaps both of you will have enough empathy for the other person not to completely ruin the holiday or the marriage

RTFT @Sunnyday321!

Tomorrow as soon as you have dress, if he doesn’t get up, take it on yourself, because you are so worried about his pain could mean more than a food upset, have reception call a doctor. Don’t ask him, he is not in the position to know what is good for himself because he is so poorly.
If you think of the cost, it will be covered by the food neither of you haven’t eaten at the restaurants.

I don't get him. If it was me I'd rather be left alone with dh just checking in a couple of times.

He either wants you to be miserable too, he is trying to control you, or both. I suspect it’s both. I suggest you book an activity for tomorrow, ask for a doctor to be sent up on your way out and come back at the end of the day with talk of all the lovely people you met at the activity. It wouldn’t hurt to be reminded the world doesn’t revolve around him and you’re not there to serve him when he can’t take any personal responsibility.

He doesn't want to see a Dr because he's enjoying being a martyr Op and making you stay and look after him. If he's changed recently he's either having another affair or he's angry with you, angry because you found him out and put a stop to his fun. Quite honestly he sounds spiteful, in your place I'd have a good think about whether he's still the man you want to be with because he sounds neither loving nor kind

My DH took ill on holiday (we think food poisoning) & said it was the worst he’s ever felt (he’s rarely ill). I went to pharmacy & supermarket to stock up with meds, bottled water, cool box for by the bed and bland snacks. Told him I loved him but wasn’t ruining the holiday for the kids & id be taking them out as planned & he could ring me or doctor if needed. He was pleased I took them without him so he could stay in bed guilt free. I’d have been furious if he’d expected me to stay with him just for company between sleeping! It wasn’t ideal for any of us, but we made the best of it.
Hopefully you can enjoy your holiday regardless & reevaluate your relationship with this manchild. Good luck.

Truly awful behaviour. I got food poisoning on holiday. Doctor straight away, plus all the sensible self help meds available. Told my family to go - enjoy the day - have a lovely time. Wouldn't have dreamed of asking them to stay, or frankly wanted them to. Can't imagine wanting others to ruin their day just because I was sick.