Holiday ruined, husband ill and being a bit of a prat

[Blocuian]

Me and DH are abroad on what was meant to be a much needed holiday, first one in years just the two of us. It’s been totally ruined. He’s come down with what I think is food poisoning – been in and out the loo constantly, can’t eat, sweating and miserable. I get that he’s ill and it’s not his fault, but it’s how he’s being that’s getting to me.

I offered to get a doctor (hotel can arrange and we’ve got insurance) but he snapped at me that I “don’t care anyway” and told me not to bother. I’ve been sat in this hotel room for 2 days while he refuses food, won’t let me open the curtains and gets stroppy if I even mention going out for a walk or a coffee. He says if I go out it just proves I don’t care.

This sort of behaviour isn’t completely out of the blue either – lately he’s been a bit controlling in general, doesn’t like me doing much without him, makes digs, gets passive aggressive. I didn’t realise how much until being stuck in a room with him like this.

I’m honestly thinking about flying home early. I feel like I’m not helping him by sitting here while he sulks and makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave the room. But I know if I go he’ll say I abandoned him.

What would you do? Anyone else been in this sort of situation? Feel like I’m going mad.

I’ve been in this situation twice with DH, once when we were newly dating and then again when we went travelling together. Both times I helped him as much as I could and I was caring and sympathetic but when he didn’t need help and was just resting he was adamant I go out and sightsee and enjoy the holiday without him, which I did the best I could. It’s these kinds of experiences that can either strengthen or break a relationship I think.

I hope you’re going out for a lovely dinner, with a few glasses of wine or some exciting cocktails?

Take back control of your holiday. Let him stew in the room if he wants to. He doesn’t get to spoil your holiday.

Cheating or not, keep standing up for yourself and don't put up with anymore of this controlling behaviour.
Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Ugh.

Either he is cheating, wants to, or he is doing something that falls into the 'cheating adjacent' realms - he's projecting that you also would... and so he's being a dick to you, controlling etc, to punish you for the thing he thinks you would do given half a chance.

Definitely leave him to his lurgy - he's got what he needs, you can check in, theres really no point you sitting about in silence watching a man be ill!

Up to you whether you do a phone snoop or not - tbh, I think his behaviour suggests he's an arsehole with no respect for you whatsoever and has no desire to alter his behaviour for the better, then the relationship is dead anyway!

I also have an ex who was very very controlling and constantly accusing me of cheating on him when I wasn’t. Eventually we broke up and I found out he’d been cheating on me on and off for years. It made sense, he’d been up to no good and couldn’t believe I wasn’t doing the same.

This pretty much nails it.

It’s also very off he really wanted this holiday and now his behaviour is awful. Was there a big gap between booking the holiday and actually going? Has something happened in between with him?

The most important thing is he keeps hydrated. Drinking something fizzy through a straw in little sips. When I had a virus a few weeks ago all I could manage was plain boiled rice. I couldn’t stand the smell of food at all.

Pepto Bismal is good for settling the stomach.

I'd tell him to get a grip he isn't a child, if he won't let you get a doctor to check him over and help himself then I wasn't sitting looking at four walls bored out my head and was going out. Then I'd go.

@WTF987 yes to all of this - chap gets some sympathy when ill, but if he won’t take medication, rest, keep hydrated and does the martyr act of ‘I’ll just push through’ (whilst coughing up a lung/storm) then the sympathy wanes.

if they have a situation and are t doing something or accepting help that could improve said situation - then they get short shrift.

@Blocuian several of the things you’ve mentioned to him could have improved his health. There is stuff for settling stomachs, vomiting etc. he can sleep and rest. He can have water and snacks next to the bed. He doesn’t need you there 24/7 for this.

he really wouldn’t nurse you would he if it was the other way around. He’d probably have been out all day and got you nothing nor offered any help.

seriously - fuck him.

also contemplate how much tip toeing around him you do at home. Are you still together just because the alternative will be messy and awkward short term?

Both DH and I have had upset stomachs over the years and whilst we wouldn’t disappear off on a long day trip, we wouldn’t want the other hearing us in the bathroom so would rather they were out of the room but not hours away if really ill.

It’s just bizarre that he wants you to listen in and ruin your holiday. Leave him to it and when he is better have a serious chat. I would also sneak a look at the phone if I were you and get the proverbial ducks in a row.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Go out and see the area. Let him wallow in his own vomit and faeces!

Just got a reply from him – said “I’m in pain and you just disappeared, cheers for that” and nothing else. No mention of the note or checking in or anything I actually said. Just making me out to be heartless again. I’m gonna go back up soon just to keep the peace but honestly not feeling very forgiving right now.

Re: the cheating stuff – there was quite a long gap between booking the holiday and actually going, like a few months, and yeah I’d say something’s shifted in that time. He was the one who pushed for us to go, kept saying we needed time together, so it’s weird that now we’re here he’s acting like I’ve dragged him here against his will.

Intimacy wise it has changed a bit yeah. A while back he started having problems keeping an erection and I think he was embarrassed about it. He’d get annoyed with himself and brush it off and then it just started happening less and less. I didn’t push it, figured we’d work through it but yeah – it’s definitely slowed down a lot.

Still don’t know if he’s cheating or lining something up or just taking stuff out on me because he’s miserable. But none of it feels right anymore.

Hi @Blocuian
When I got bad food poisoning on holiday 20 years ago my ex DH got me stuff first thing and then went out sightseeing. I absolutely didn’t want him ruining his hols as well.
he had a good time and I could rest properly in peace.
Don’t understand if it’s not serious enough for a doctor, it’s not serious enough for you to sit there 24/7.
Once he has everything he needs, just say you’re going out for a bit so we can rest and you can get some air - and just go.
try and enjoy your time there x

Some things to say when you return.

Being ill isn’t a green card to treat me unkindly.

I’ve offered to help in many ways, such as getting you a doctor, and you refuse. If you won’t help yourself what do you expect me to do?

I didn’t think you’d want an audience to witness your explosive diarrhoea and sickness.

If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t expect you to miss out on enjoying a holiday when there was nothing you could do to help me.

Literally ignore the guilt tripping

He is not a 7 year old boy, but he can sure act like one.

Go out and enjoy as much as you can of the nice weather etc.

If its too much to ignore his guilt tripping - just say its bad enough one of us is ill and not enjoying the holiday with put you making it unbearable for me. You're hardly a child and can text me if you need something or call reception - you'll work it out

There is no point both of you missing out on the holiday and he should be telling you to go and enjoy yourself.

I would be sympathetic and make sure he has everything he needs but would then go and sit by the pool. He can text you if he needs anything.

I would be annoyed if he refuses things that might make his recovery a bit quicker such as diarylite ect.

I’d just reply “oh - you’re awake! That’s good. How about joining me at the pool/beach/bar (wherever)?” If he tells you he’s still not feeling well, then you just say you’ll see him later.

Otherwise, ignore, ignore, ignore. Then you’re in control.

Sorry - have seen you’ve gone out!!! That’s good and glad you feel better.
you can turn your blue ticks off in WhatsApp by flipping your phone to airplane mode, reading them, and then putting it back on. Then you can just say they haven’t come through maybe. TBH he doesn’t sound great - bit selfish. It’s husband’s like this that make me glad I’m single x

As others have said. Ensure he has all he needs. Then go out again. Let him know you're within reach if hes really ill. But that you're not his punch bag. Claim some respect back.

Yes.
If you're able (I mean safe) to fly home then you're safe to leave the room even
If it upsets him

I’d put a swift end to this behaviour, control starts small and grows - before you know it, it’s eyes down in public incase you glance at a man! He isn’t well but not dying and won’t get medical help, leave him to it and go and explore or fly home as it sounds miserable.

Honestly I think you need to read him the riot act about this emotional blackmail. Get tough. Tell him the hotel has offered to call a doctor, you’ve offered to help him to seek medical attention but he’s refused. He doesn’t get to make you feel guilty because of his bad choices. Stand up for yourself.

I’d be booking a separate room- clearly his illness has gone on for so long it’s probably more than food poisoning and of course he’s not want you to catch it- and leaving him with the number for room service/ reception. You’re not his nurse and he’s behaving like an utter dick.

I’d also be setting things in motion to leave him, life is too short for this shit.

Getting another room at the hotel is a good idea

This!
Stop pandering to him!
Ignore him and get on with your holiday.
He's being an absolute arsehole on many levels.
Stop doubting yourself and stand up to him.