Holiday ruined, husband ill and being a bit of a prat

[Blocuian]

Me and DH are abroad on what was meant to be a much needed holiday, first one in years just the two of us. It’s been totally ruined. He’s come down with what I think is food poisoning – been in and out the loo constantly, can’t eat, sweating and miserable. I get that he’s ill and it’s not his fault, but it’s how he’s being that’s getting to me.

I offered to get a doctor (hotel can arrange and we’ve got insurance) but he snapped at me that I “don’t care anyway” and told me not to bother. I’ve been sat in this hotel room for 2 days while he refuses food, won’t let me open the curtains and gets stroppy if I even mention going out for a walk or a coffee. He says if I go out it just proves I don’t care.

This sort of behaviour isn’t completely out of the blue either – lately he’s been a bit controlling in general, doesn’t like me doing much without him, makes digs, gets passive aggressive. I didn’t realise how much until being stuck in a room with him like this.

I’m honestly thinking about flying home early. I feel like I’m not helping him by sitting here while he sulks and makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave the room. But I know if I go he’ll say I abandoned him.

What would you do? Anyone else been in this sort of situation? Feel like I’m going mad.

He doesn’t trust you because HE can’t be trusted.

Time for a big talk. If he won’t talk, walk.

Spoke too soon – just got a message from him saying his stomach ache has got worse and asking why I left. I replied saying I’d left a note, reminded him he can call reception if he needs help and said I’ll check in again in a bit. No reply yet but fully expecting a guilt trip when I go back up.

Some of you have mentioned cheating again… I honestly don’t know. Part of me wants to say no, because he hardly ever goes anywhere. He works from home now, doesn’t do nights out or anything like that. If he does go out, it’s normally with me or one of the kids. Longest he’s out on his own is maybe an hour when he does a food shop now and then. So I don’t think he’s doing anything, but also I never thought he would before either. The ONS was a few years back when he was meant to be at a work Christmas do – turned out it was with some random woman he’d never even met before. Just one of those grim things you never imagine happening to you.

I’ve never looked at his phone, not once in all the years we’ve been together. But I’m honestly tempted now. Just to know. I don’t want to go full paranoia mode but something in my gut is telling me something’s not right lately.

Sorry to say I think he's cheating again and he's justifying it by projecting it all onto you and making out you're the bad one

Wow he sounds like a prince. Get out (and I don't just mean the room). I had nasty food poisoning when hubby (weren't married at the time) and I were in Turkey, I spent 2 days hugging a bucket while sitting on the loo but not once did I suggest he shouldn't go out and enjoy the sun or have an explore. He would go out for a couple hours then come back and check on me. Your husband is selfish and sounds quite nasty.

Whether he’s cheating or not he’s not being good to you. He doesn’t deserve you and there is no reason for you to be kind to someone who’s not kind to you.

He sounds absolutely gross. His behaviour, both past and present, is unjustifiable.

When you land just leave him! I am glad you managed to get out got a bit and enjoy your holiday too because he sounds like a controlling drama queen/overgrown manchild 🙄

sounds like he is bigging this all up for attention and sympathy when you get back. This is a glimspe into life with him going forward

I can't imagine wanting someone with me when I felt like he does and I CERTAINLY can't imagine wanting someone to stay in a darkened sickness room with me rather than relaxing outside. What a selfish arsehole.

While you're at the pool or out for a walk, make your plan for leaving him. Say nothing. Put your plan into action when you are ready. He shouldn't be controlling you but he thinks it's his right.

Unfortunate but he needs to grow a pair and stop being a petulant child 🙄 I’d make sure he has water, make sure phone is within reach, offer to get him bland foid if he’s ready to face it….and then I’m off out! Why should both of us suffer? He’s a grown man not a toddler..why do you need his permission or approval to go out for a walk?? If he’s going to be snippy and short, I’d stay out for a while too!

He’s controlling you because he thinks if you go off on your own that you’ll act the way he did (does?). He won’t let you call a doctor, what else can you do? Why would he want you sitting in that room all day watching him get sick, he’s not a child.

They can't help but follow 'the script'. Making you out to be the villain of the piece is 101. I bet if you thought about it, there are other tells.

Do you really want to grow old with this twonk?

I wouldn’t give into this kind of guilting, it’s very manipulative. Get yourself out of that room, go and enjoy what you can! For you own sanity plus you don’t want to get sick yourself.

Does your husband have form for this kind of behavior? It’s like he’s blaming you for eve thing and wants to limit any enjoyment you may have as he is unwell.

There's nothing you can do sat in the room with him, he's being incredibly selfish making you stay in the room.

He is begrudging you having fun without him, as if he should be the whole source of your life and enjoyment.

What is he like at home with you having hobbies and time out with friends without him or the kids?

He's going to try to make you feel guilty regardless, you might as well get fresh air sunshine and energy to manage whatever he's going to try throwing at you for leaving the room.

Please don’t get sucked in to sitting in the room watching him sweat!

You can’t change anything, he doesn’t need anything, he can contact you, reception can also assist, you are checking in. He is trying to make you suffer with him. Refuse. Remain reasonable and speak kindly, but be firm… a bit when dealing with a tantrum, coz that’s what he’s having.

You’ve tried to look after him and he’s refused it which makes me think he’s not as sick as he’s making out. Why could you refuse things that make you feel better? It’s slightly mad tbh!

I just caught up with all your updates and the cheating thing is a worry. Any changes in intimacy since his other behaviors have started?

I admire your patience and resolve and OP. I would have told him much earlier "You're ill and as you are refusing medical assistance I'm going out. I'm not sitting here listening to you being an absolute twat".

Wow, any decent partner would practically force the other to go and have fun and to not worry about them. What an arse. Go and enjoy yourself!!

She said ‘Our relationship used to be great. Honestly, years ago this kind of behaviour would’ve been totally out of character for him. But when our youngest was a baby, he had a ONS. Took a lot to get over and when I finally took him back it felt like things were good again.’

My DH had food poisoning when we were doing a sailing holiday/course. He was so apologetic even though it wasn’t his fault. When he felt a bit better, he left the boat and insisted we all carry on without him. ❤️

The more I read, the more I’m inclined to think he isn’t that ill, or at least feeling much better than he’s letting on. When I had food poisoning on holiday a few years ago I felt very sorry for myself, but it didn’t make me moan at everyone and try to spoil their holiday. I was happy they checked in by text or brought me water and biscuits. I
If you’re feeling really ill you don’t usually have the energy to be a twat to anyone, you’re too busy being / feeling ill.

Tell him he needs to “rest quietly” , then pack up your day bag and off you go for the day, pool, shopping, sightseeing, boat trip, spa massage, whatever you fancy. Don’t forget to find somewhere lovely for lunch, and on the way back to the hotel have a gorgeous icecream or an early cocktail sitting in the sun.

"Cheating" doesn't have to be the physical act, there's plenty of access to stuff online that I (personally) would consider cheating. There's also the possibility that he may have his eye on someone but hasn't done anything about it yet - trying to convince himself that it would be ok to do it because of your "behaviour".

Whether he is or isn't cheating right now, he is behaving terribly towards you and you deserve so much more, as do your kids. Don't waste your years on a man like this.

I'd tell him he's an adult and capable of looking after himself, if he isn't he needs medical attention. If he feels worse you will happily call a doctor and come be with him until the doctor arrives. If he still thinks he doesn't need medical attention then he also doesn't need you watching him every second.

My DH has a tendency towards complaining but not doing anything about it so I have a policy of essentially I'll be sympathetic if you're seeking to make yourself feel better. So if he's whinging he has a headache, if he hasn't taken paracetamol, hasn't drank all day and is say watching tv, I won't be listening to it. If he's genuinely got a migraine, taken all his meds etc and is lying down in dark room sure I'll come check on him, bring him a drink etc. But he'd never in a million years speak to me like your husband does to you.

But that's all dealing with it, it doesn't address the fact your husband has been consistently shitty towards you and you know something is up. You need to decide if this is what you want from life and your kids to model.

God I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in a small hotel room when I've got a stomach bug with my partner and vice versa - I'd much rather be alone with peace and quiet/be out actually having the holiday. It's very weird and controlling that he wants you to just sit there and stare at him! Get him all the medicines and then go out and enjoy your holiday, hit the beach, get lunch and cocktails and enjoy a good book. Tell him you're letting him have some peace to sleep.