Giving up on Online Dating - is it me?

[Oldfailed]

Hello. I've posted here on this topic before. Divorced mother of 2, reasonably okay looking, professional career / decent income, own house in London. Kids are with me much of termtime but dad provides childcare when needed.

Have been on Bumble and Hinge for the past 8 to 9 months since my divorce (I filed- toxic, verbally abusive ex, hasn't worked in years). I wasn't prepared for my OLD experience in the least. Met several people - of course, many who matched didn't bother replying. Outcome - zilch. Except for 2 occasions, I was "rejected" by everyone I met. And those 2 exceptions led nowhere.

I have been clear about relationship goals on my profile - looking for steady dates / mid to long term relationship, not marriage, not ONS. The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least - and I am not trying to brag in any way here. I purposely don't match with very good looking men, knowing I probably won't be in their league! A couple of men dated a few times and then told me they had found someone else.

My confidence has taken a real battering. It's an effort to make time to meet and present myself without baggage and the stress of juggling work and home. I try hard to make decent conversation. I make it clear that, if things progress, it's easier for me to visit them at home rather than the other way around, at least during term time, since my children are mostly with me. I really wonder if this is the deal breaker. If not- it surely is me.

I have nearly stopped going on any dates now to avoid hurting myself further but the prospect of being alone is daunting. I miss having a man in my life, I miss sex, I feel envious of the seemingly happy couple friends I have, because I don't think I'm very different from the women in these couples - surely I deserve better outcomes? What makes me so unlikable? I have even wondered if I should ask these men for feedback - what is it that put them off - but I fear that may show me as very vulnerable (which I probably am).

Any suggestions? No time for group activities at the moment (as was suggested) and in any case these don't filter participants by dating intention. Are there any good singles / speed dating things people can recommend in London targeted at the 40 to 50 age group?

The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least

Aren't you filtering people out or talking before meeting?

Surely it has information on their profile and then you talk to them and can gauge their level of conversation.

It's a numbers game. Chat for a week, meet for a coffee to gauge interest then see how it goes. Mirror their interest.

Don't ask these men for feedback! They don't know you. Keep going it only takes one.

Online dating really sucks….I’ve tried it myself, and I totally understand how disheartening it can be. You’re definitely not alone. I have so many female friends who use it regularly, and honestly, almost all of them have had the same kinds of frustrating, disappointing, or even demoralising experiences. So please, don’t take it personally or see it as a reflection of your worth. The problem isn’t you…it’s the system. It tends to reward superficiality and game-playing, and it’s exhausting for people who are genuine and looking for something real. You’ll meet the right person at the right time and probably not through an app. So many people I know have met their person in the most unexpected ways: through a random conversation at a friend’s dinner, reconnecting with someone from the past, or even during a time when they weren’t actively looking. Life has a strange way of bringing people together when the moment is right. So don’t lose hope. Keep being yourself, living your life, following what brings you joy.

@MiloMinderbinder925 yes- I'm filtering after matching. Chat on whatsapp for a few days (but not in great detail) and then meet for a coffee or drink if promising. Still drawing a blank. Since I'm a bit of a people pleaser, I have kept quiet after meeting people I didn't particular want to see again. My only learning from this so far has been that I should also be vocal about rejecting, and get in first, rather than waiting to be told that by someone who I didn't much like anyway! At least it might make me feel better.

I meant to say I wondered if I should ask for feedback of the ones I do meet (if I meet anyone again through OLD), who have then gone on to tell me they didn't think there was any "connection".

It's happened so many times now that there seems to be a definite "me problem" here.

@MiroMouse thank you for your kind message. My odds of finding people randomly (ie not filtered by relationship status) are minimal. I didn't grow up in the UK, though have spent 20 years here now. I have no family here, a limited number of friends- nearly all of whom are married, or are single women themselves. Very limited possibilities so far and I haven't found anyone through work either, unfortunately.

If you're waiting for fate and the stars to align then you'll likely to die before that happens.

You've got to put yourself out there, it's still a numbers game and you've got to put yourself in situations where it could happen.

London is the best place for singles events/speed dating, but I am sceptical over it, and events in London will mean that you will meet better educated people in better careers. I've definitely noticed a massive difference between local events and London events.

I am the rare MNer who absolutely loved OLD. It’s how I met my DH, but before that I had lots of interesting conversations, some great dates and a couple of short term conversations. I had a really good time.

I find dating fun, though. So, my approach was very much ‘it’s great if this leads to anything more, but I’m going to enjoy the process’. I think this may have been a factor.

The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least

You're presumably chatting to them and screening beforehand, so how/why is this happening?

Chatting on whatsapp a few times isn't the same as meeting for an hour or two in person and discovering what they are about. I do weed people out in the chat stage.

Clearly you were doing something right but that doesn't necessarily help solve my problem. I'm not getting second dates at all- not finding it much fun. The few that led to second and third dates moved on to other women.

It’s not the same, but you surely get the career and education questions out of the way and have some idea as to their conversation? If not, perhaps that’s something you could start doing?

Are you going into it with an ‘I want to have the best time possible’ attitude? As it doesn’t sound like it. Perhaps you could try that, as well?

I think those would be my main suggestions. Also, I’d advise writing a list of your dating criteria. Be detailed, but realistic, and clear on your dealbreakers. Then make sure you choose matches accordingly. This sounds super obvious, but I think a lot of people just go ‘oh, he seems alright’ and swipe right. I found it pays to be more methodical.

How long are you chatting before meeting and what sorts of dates are you going on?

I wouldn't talk about how a relationship would work on early dates - (I think you mentioned you have kids so would need to go to theirs). On early dates just try to have a fun time, chat about what each of you likes. The only decision to be made is whether to meet again on another date. Any talk of how a relationship would work is for much much further down the line.

Your post almost had me screaming ‘I know, I know!’
It’s not so different as a man - I’m sort of in the same place as you (not geographically and I’m older) but - only 3 actual meets in nearly a year. A lot of the time just feel like giving up. Still surprised and disappointed by the random disappearances and ghosting. Depressed at the thought of being alone and celibate forever.
I have though met 2 women through Facebook Hiking groups who are good friends (one, I would now call my best friend) though neither will be more than friends.
I would probably just advise - don’t look at them as potential partners, judge initially as whether they’d be someone you could call a friend. You’re getting plenty of matches though? So your profile etc must be fine,
you’re just finding there’s a lot of dross out there - so don’t swipe left on the ones you think are out of your league, they’re probably not.

Maybe you're just not really ready to meet someone and you're somehow signalling that?
OLD is brutal so you need a very thick skin which you don't seem to have. It will decimate your confidence.
Have you tried social groups rather than dating?

@Oldfailed have you tried elite singles site?

they generally have a different caliber of men. And sounds like those men may be more suited to your needs. They match based on compatibility as opposed to a random pool of men

I don't think it's you. There are a lot of time wasters in the OLD world. I tried it too but after about 6 months decided I'd rather spend my free time doing something else, it was too much of a downer and I found the ghosting culture very rude and a lot of the men very sexist and unappealing.

Unfortunately I don't think there's necessarily a correlation between effort and success with internet dating, if there was it would be more worthwhile. I have several friends who you'd think would tick all the possible boxes and who have spent loads of time online dating with no luck.

I know I'm a good catch and I'm sure you are too it's not us it's the system and lack of availability of the type on men we're looking for. Maybe try being happy single and see how that goes, at least that way you aren't wasting a whole load of time and energy and it's not impossible that you meet someone naturally it might just take longer. That's my plan for now. Good luck!

I really don’t think it’s a ‘you’ thing OP. Lots of professional and attractive women post that OLD doesn’t work for them.

Also if I’m understanding correctly- you are looking for a relationship but have very little free time to spend with a partner and are telling them that upfront (you want to come over to theirs etc). I do think that would put a lot of men off who are looking for a full relationship. How old are your children? It’s a shame their Dad didn’t step up to allow you to have your own hobbies and social life. I’m sure if/when you do you’ll meet someone

Put it the other way - you meet a man with two children and he is the main carer. He wants to visit at your home as his children are mostly with him. He doesn't want to get married. Some people just won't want to get involved in that. Maybe try to relax some of your initial statements?

I would say that you are still very fresh out of hell for dating in the way that you want to. Having been where you are and now some 20 years down the line and OLD on and off in that time, until about 5 years ago when I met my DP.

Personally, I would say you need to be focusing on you right now. If that includes a bit of dating, that's fine, but I imagine you have a lot of shit to work through before you are fully over your marriage and grim divorce. I did not enjoy OLD until after I had therapy and really started looking after myself. Not in a glib getting my nails and hair done kind of way, but looking after me as a fully formed adult looking after themselves in a kind and boundried way. That is when I genuinely started to have fun with OLD, stopped having a long list of criteria and just went on dates for the fun of it, as a way of meeting different people. Because I was more sure of myself, my "picker" was much better too and I met nicer men, even if I didn't necessarily have physical connection with them.

So, that is a long way of saying @Oldfailed that yes it may be you but probably not in the way that you think. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

I agree with this - how is this conversation coming up if you're not having second dates? I would not be mentioning this on a first date - it should all be light and getting to know someone. I do wonder if that way you might be scaring people off?

I also think the connection comment is valid, I'm afraid. I'm dating atm and connection/chemistry is frustratingly rare to find. Hard to explain why as sometimes someone who is better objectively looking just doesn't have the same spark as with someone else.

I think meeting someone who really suits us as individuals is difficult.

It’s a numbers game.

I met DH at work and had known him for a year before we dated. Online dating is like a CV isn’t it and people minimise stuff and show their best side. That’s why it’s so hard I think.

So whilst people may not lie they are never going to tell the truth, just like on a CV. it’s a subtle difference.

I remember back in the day when IT was very new I spent 5 mins having a go at various packages that I had not used so I could tick I had used them all.

Have a look at burned haystack dating method. I thjnk as women we ( some) have lower standards and we really shouldn't. Have a look at the page either on fb or insta..
I agree though old is grim. Ive had a few dates with one last a couple of months but he wasnt my type and continued to not be either. Lovely man but no.
Ive only tried fb dating though. Sadly I dont have many photos of myself to add so that's always an issue

Some of the initial first dates I had were with people who didn't have children and turned out were quite unaware / not willing to understand my (sometimes) limited flexibility / lack of spontaneity that resulted from having my children live with me 75% of the time. This unfolded over one date, typically. Im not a spring chicken at 45, and i would expect emotional maturity in the men i date - i didnt find that. After that, I started prioritizing people who were either divorced, and perhaps had kids, thinking they would understand my perspective better.

But I don't get the posters who ask me why my kids come up in the first date. Of course they do - I have stated in my profile that I have kids and don't want any more. When we talk about work, and what we do outside work, I would mention my children, of course, since a large part of my time is spent with them.

I would suggest having a read through the general dating chat - you’ll see how others have fared on OLD. My experience as a childless mid 40s professional woman in London can be summarised as a complete waste of time - primarily married/recently separated men; a few of them still living with their wives and kids; lots of men lying about age and using old photos; primarily sexual innuendos/looking after casual sex and and lying about it; expectations about meeting last minute for a coffee/walk/drinks on the same/next day; moving to whatsup only to stop responding immediately, being stood up/flakiness. I had no luck with the younger 30s crowd who seemed to treat the 40 year olds as a catalogue of escorts or something similar. I think the majority of people you met are probably just dating casually and enjoying going on dates with as many women as possible. What is the reason to settle for one person when you can be out with someone new every week?
Is there an alternative? Yes I think you have to be lucky to meet someone you fancy in real life. Recently I did meet a few divorcees though work but sadly no attraction. They (and a few others I know through work) are all professionals living in/around London and weren’t even on OLD. The few people from work I have seen on OLD are very clearly after casual sex. So everyone but not everyone is on OLD after all.

I don’t disagree with any of the advice already given. It’s all valid and maybe it’s just that you’re too sensitive/vulnerable at this point and you should just put OLD on hold for a spell.

But…here are a few practical suggestions if you do decide to continue (both apply as much to men as women, to be clear):

Photos: if you have a friend who’s a decent photographer get them to take your shots. If you don’t, consider paying someone. Very few women (or men, I’m sure) do this and it makes the world of difference. Show yourself in your best possible light, not in full ski-gear, on a paddle board or middle-distance in front of a temple/pyramid/on top of Machu Picchu.

Humour: maybe it’s the thing about men not liking women to be funny or too funny but women just don’t seem to do this. I did a ‘Which one has to go?’ poll on men holding dead fish/men in Lycra on their bikes or shirtless men at the gym. I also made quite a crude joke about My typical Sunday. I remember one woman replying ‘my ex-husband’ to the prompt ‘One thing I’ll never do again’ 😂

Make people laugh and make them want to engage. Don’t worry about shocking people or people not getting the joke - if they don’t get your sense of humour better to filter them out anyway.

Tweak: Change your profile regularly. Different photos, different answers/questions/polls. This will give you a short-term boost in visibility.

Every comment you make should invite some kind of response and differentiate you from the crowd. The algorithms reward how often your profile is viewed, how long people spend on it, number of likes and, above all, any questions, comments and actual chats it generates. The higher it rates you on these measures dictates how many men even see your profile. It may be that you’re just not getting seen or not being seen enough by the kind of guys you’re interested in.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do anyway. It can be pretty dispiriting, I know.

@hamburg123 - getting professional or near professional photos can backfire. I had near professional and one professional photo and I was being questioned if I was a fake / stolen profile because men assumed I had stolen them from someone online - they thought my photos were too good to be true! So it sounds like decent but definitely not professional quality photos.

I definitely second the humour aspect and it’s a great way to start a fun conversation.

There are different approaches as to differentiating yourself from the crowd. I worked with a dating coach who was also a trained psychoanalyst a few years ago and whilst I had quite a unique and differenced profile everyone including my friends through it was just decreasing my chances of meeting someone. Supposedly this method would get you to a smaller but more appropriate profiles - would love to hear if anyone has actually had such success with this method.

I hope you don’t mind me commenting @occhiazzurri but I have read a few of your posts. Your issue surely is that you (understandably) want a tall, attractive, professional, childless (?) man of a similar age to compliment what you offer. But these men are in such high demand that there is only one reason they go on OLD…

I do think sometimes being too attractive or successful (as a woman) can make it the most difficult to meet a match OLD.

Your posts are always so thoughtful and considered and I do hope you meet someone (soon)!

All I can say is keep going on the apps - I have had some good dates in past. Try to treat it as fun (even though I like you I was after ' the one' .

Make sure your profile is up to date, fun, and pics are good. Think about your red lines - i.e. what are your age limits, smoking etc... And be ruthless on that - so if you get messaged by a 35yo smoker then instant no. Aside from hard and fast things like that, be open minded.

I didnt want to date a veggie but she is great in so many other ways I dont care and there are a number of other things she is not my ideal type with but the chemistry is there. So be open minded, even if they like football and you hate it.

I have has some pretty poor dates, just was never going to go anywhere and not right at all, but every now and again you find someone who is worthwhile.

How old are kids - mine were 15 & 12 but quite mature for ages so I was open about where I was going, dating etc... and dd me one woman after 2 months and both met current gf at a month. I know many will criticise but it worked for me and it was nice that both could pop round to each others when we liked.