Giving up on Online Dating - is it me?

[Oldfailed]

Hello. I've posted here on this topic before. Divorced mother of 2, reasonably okay looking, professional career / decent income, own house in London. Kids are with me much of termtime but dad provides childcare when needed.

Have been on Bumble and Hinge for the past 8 to 9 months since my divorce (I filed- toxic, verbally abusive ex, hasn't worked in years). I wasn't prepared for my OLD experience in the least. Met several people - of course, many who matched didn't bother replying. Outcome - zilch. Except for 2 occasions, I was "rejected" by everyone I met. And those 2 exceptions led nowhere.

I have been clear about relationship goals on my profile - looking for steady dates / mid to long term relationship, not marriage, not ONS. The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least - and I am not trying to brag in any way here. I purposely don't match with very good looking men, knowing I probably won't be in their league! A couple of men dated a few times and then told me they had found someone else.

My confidence has taken a real battering. It's an effort to make time to meet and present myself without baggage and the stress of juggling work and home. I try hard to make decent conversation. I make it clear that, if things progress, it's easier for me to visit them at home rather than the other way around, at least during term time, since my children are mostly with me. I really wonder if this is the deal breaker. If not- it surely is me.

I have nearly stopped going on any dates now to avoid hurting myself further but the prospect of being alone is daunting. I miss having a man in my life, I miss sex, I feel envious of the seemingly happy couple friends I have, because I don't think I'm very different from the women in these couples - surely I deserve better outcomes? What makes me so unlikable? I have even wondered if I should ask these men for feedback - what is it that put them off - but I fear that may show me as very vulnerable (which I probably am).

Any suggestions? No time for group activities at the moment (as was suggested) and in any case these don't filter participants by dating intention. Are there any good singles / speed dating things people can recommend in London targeted at the 40 to 50 age group?

@Gymbunny2025 - thank you for your kind words. I was not after anyone childless or successful or even same age (did go up 10 years) - I was primarily hoping to meet someone with kids and in a more creative/freelance profession, I would have been happy with a stay-at-home boyfriend. But you are absolutely right that the attractive men on OLD seem to be only after one thing.
As a general comment though I suspect OP will find the same experience on OLD dating as a professional woman in London. The question is whether it is worth the time/effort/money and whether one actually enjoys it.

occhiazzurri - getting professional or near professional photos can backfire. I had near professional and one professional photo and I was being questioned if I was a fake / stolen profile because men assumed I had stolen them from someone online - they thought my photos were too good to be true! So it sounds like decent but definitely not professional quality photos.

I take your point and I absolutely agree that good quality, natural shots are more appealing than super-posed, professionally-lit studio shots.

But at the same time I don’t think it’s a backfire necessarily. If someone looks amazing in their profile why would your immediate reaction be that they’ve faked/stolen someone else’s profile or some stock image? And even if you thought it, why would you go to the bother of actually saying it?

My sense from reading a lot of women’s profiles over the last eight or nine months is that it’s an exhausting process of figuring out which guys aren’t absolute dicks. And if that’s the case then the earlier the absolute dicks reveal themselves the less time you end up wasting on them.

While getting divorced, I honestly hadn't thought it would be so difficult to meet someone nice enough. Presumably there were nice divorced or single men out there. Seems they are very well hidden, if they are. I personally know very few single men - even at work - most are married or have partners. I have had a good number of people sharing their kinks unsolicited on OLD (no, thank you).

A couple of days ago, someone who had matched with me on one of the apps 'rejected' me because I said i liked to read, and he apparently didn't. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

I didn't fathom the possibility of many lonely years ahead of me before I exited my marriage, although I don't think it would have changed my decision, had I known.

I was on the elite singles site for 2 months before I gave up. I seemed to see more plumbers and similar sort of much older (mid 50s and above) men there. Nothing against plumbers but not what I'm looking for. There may have been other more suitable men there, but these were what the site offered. I did met one person through it a couple of times. seemed ok - a little boring, and then he told me he didn't really have time for dating - probably a nice way of saying 'not inteterested'.

A couple of days ago, someone who had matched with me on one of the apps 'rejected' me because I said i liked to read, and he apparently didn't. If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

I think this is the problem with OLD people are conditioned to reject nearly everyone and search for that "unicorn", the perfect partner, but I see it with speed dating too. Just a general unwillingness to try.

The truth is if they were educated intelligent well groomed with good manners and good in bed they would probably be married.
It’s a very, very rare beast who has been chucked by his wife back into the pool. Because he has all of those attributes and she just run off with something better
Most of them who are single and 50+ unless their widowed Have serious serious floors in my experience

Tbf he saved you having to reject him! I bet there are lots of men on there who have no intention of meeting but just enjoy negging women.

I have two friends, both professional and attractive (with children) who were both successful with OLD, but it took time and both nearly gave up. I agree with the comments about being a numbers game, someone who could have one date/coffee/walk per week, is likely to fare better than someone who has one date per month

I’ve been OLD for 11 years and still have not met someone who I’m really into. The longest “relationship” has been 5 dates over a 6 week period. Years ago I thought it was due to my lack of time (kids at home), but for the last 4 years, I’ve been living alone and it’s still pretty much impossible to meet someone. I’ve got a good career, own house, well traveled etc, but I seem to meet a lot of men who are either still married, or divorced but skinned or simply boring. I want someone who has similar interests to me and a similar disposable income so that we can do things together, but that is clearly not going to happen. I’ve given up now.

I think you are spot on. The quality of pool is very very low because the good ones are simply still married

Does that go for the women too?

Haven’t RTFT.

When I was OLD I found regular breaks from it (deleting all apps and redirecting attention to other things) helped. In fact, deprioritising dating altogether, focusing on friends and hobbies and relaxing about the whole thing is my best advice. I met my current partner whom I’ve been dating for 4 months at a rave when men & dating was the last thing on my mind (too busy worshipping the god of techno 😅). I was having a great time and obviously radiating positive energy or something.

Have you thought about if you’re even ready to date? You’re less than a year post divorce. Maybe spend some time single and doing what you love instead of actively dating. I was single for 1.5 years (no divorce or toxic ex) before I met someone.

I don't think anyone has suggested you don't talk about your kids.

But saying "my son loves science" or "my daughter is going on the school ski trip so we have started having lessons at the dry ski slope" is talking about your kids.

Saying "if we get into a relationship I will have to come to your house because I have kids..." isn't talking about your kids. It's getting way ahead of yourself and not appropriate for a first date.

Imagine the chap lives with his elderly mother. Fine for him to say on a first date "My mum loves going to musicals..." very different from saying "You won't be able to come to my place as my mum is still close to my ex wife and can't cope with me dating so if this works out I'll come to yours". It's too much information and off putting at that stage- although it might be fine Tortellini you that in a few months if you are getting on great.

No it doesn’t tbh
I can’t remember what the stats are, but most divorces are initiated by women. The numbers increased dramatically. Once you’re over a certain age of women deciding they will no longer put up with their flawed partners.

Roughly 2/3 women to 1/3 men. According to the ONS.

However that doesn't mean that they are goddesses. Maybe they are cantankerous / have let themselves go/ don't want sex/ grumpy women.

@justtaketheeffingpicture I know this is anecdata but I know several decent looking and functioning single women in the 40- 50 age bracket, but next to no men. I actually know very few divorced people in general, in my social bubble - and those I do, always had the women initiate the divorce because of (verifiable) unpleasant behaviour from the man. Anecdotal- but surely somewhat relevant.

Yes, completely relevant and correct. The older we get, the more the options are likely to be damaged, deceptive or otherwise dross: single for a reason. There are exceptions - but there’s a lot more filtering to be done.
And in response to the ‘mentioning kids’ comments - absolutely you should! Knowing at the outset that eg every other weekend is unavailable and that your home will mainly be out of bounds until you really know and trust someone, is needed to frame how things might work.

Again, not my experience amongst colleagues/friends/mumsnetters/women in general.
The fact that you’re using language like let themselves go tells us all we need to know

You don't seem to understand that I have taken what you said about the men and applied it to women 😂😂🤷‍♀️

you said " if they were well groomed, good in bed blah blah " . Same, same. Does that mean therefore that what you said tells us all we need to know about you ?

Friend dipped a toe in the water of online dating she was agonising before hand until I said Xxxx it's a coffee not a marriage proposal. That became her mantra and she enjoyed meeting some new people.

I understood it perfectly.
I just Don’t agree with you

Exactly what. And sometimes these men start looking for their second wives while they're married to the first, which makes it hard for those who don't want to be the OW.

I know this is a slightly old thread, but I was intrigued by this comment, OP. Ruling someone out based on what they do for a living is of course your prerogative, but this might be what’s holding you back in finding a decent partner. It’s interesting you wouldn’t date a plumber, in particular, as a 45 year-old plumber in London is likely to be well-earning, a homeowner and financially ‘equal’ to a lot of men in white collar jobs. I’m a professional woman working in finance and earlier this year I met DP, an engineer. He’s the first guy I’ve seriously dated who wasn’t a City boy. And though he doesn’t have the same level of ‘polish’ as the finance bros I’ve dated, he’s amazing and our differences are a super exciting aspect of the relationship (as well as an aphrodisiac). He may not be a wine aficionado or have a favourite Greek island, but he’s the most competent man I have ever met - can make or fix anything. He’s also super hot 😅 because he’s not pulling 80 hour weeks at a bank (ex-DP….) and has time to go to the gym every day. Anyway, my point is, be open minded and loosen your criteria… give someone the chance to surprise you. 😊 Best of luck.