Giving up on Online Dating - is it me?

[Oldfailed]

Hello. I've posted here on this topic before. Divorced mother of 2, reasonably okay looking, professional career / decent income, own house in London. Kids are with me much of termtime but dad provides childcare when needed.

Have been on Bumble and Hinge for the past 8 to 9 months since my divorce (I filed- toxic, verbally abusive ex, hasn't worked in years). I wasn't prepared for my OLD experience in the least. Met several people - of course, many who matched didn't bother replying. Outcome - zilch. Except for 2 occasions, I was "rejected" by everyone I met. And those 2 exceptions led nowhere.

I have been clear about relationship goals on my profile - looking for steady dates / mid to long term relationship, not marriage, not ONS. The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least - and I am not trying to brag in any way here. I purposely don't match with very good looking men, knowing I probably won't be in their league! A couple of men dated a few times and then told me they had found someone else.

My confidence has taken a real battering. It's an effort to make time to meet and present myself without baggage and the stress of juggling work and home. I try hard to make decent conversation. I make it clear that, if things progress, it's easier for me to visit them at home rather than the other way around, at least during term time, since my children are mostly with me. I really wonder if this is the deal breaker. If not- it surely is me.

I have nearly stopped going on any dates now to avoid hurting myself further but the prospect of being alone is daunting. I miss having a man in my life, I miss sex, I feel envious of the seemingly happy couple friends I have, because I don't think I'm very different from the women in these couples - surely I deserve better outcomes? What makes me so unlikable? I have even wondered if I should ask these men for feedback - what is it that put them off - but I fear that may show me as very vulnerable (which I probably am).

Any suggestions? No time for group activities at the moment (as was suggested) and in any case these don't filter participants by dating intention. Are there any good singles / speed dating things people can recommend in London targeted at the 40 to 50 age group?

@whatwouldlilacerullodo its great that you’ve had fun with OLD, but you say you still haven’t found a partner, which is kind of the whole point for many people?

I was very much like yourself when I came out of a very long term relationship but i realised I had to change myself too, in what I was looking for and tried everything literally to get myself out there as dating was like a job interview you have to work at it to get it!

So I joined a running club, a gym, was on 5 dating sites, made my profile out in a way exactly what I was looking for, the radius I was willing to travel. If you are in London it might be you are looking in just that area and to expand more. Also speed dating was great fun, there are loads in london!

I met my partner on Bumble, he is amazing, all of my friends pretty much met theirs online and married. So the success rate is huge but they all have different approaches to it and worked hard at it too too like a job interview.

I was only accepting dates with men who matched my preferences and I was more open with ages, as in from mid 40s to late 50s I am 50. My partner was outside my radius of 40miles. he now lives with me.

Anyone near me I wasnt getting anywhere to be honest.

So try those different changes, I wasnt a great fan of Tinder, POF or Hinge the success rate for me was pretty much zilch but Bumble and speed dating were the best in terms of quality and quantity too. Thats just my thoughts. I also felt a club you love like running or something else where you always go to gives you another approach too.
Best of luck it always happen when you least expect it but take those risks!!

I have to echo a pp and say maybe you're not ready. I don't get the impression from your posts that you're in a positive place mentally (don't blame you for that at all) and that isn't a good way to walk into this minefield in any way shape or form. It sounds like you're hanging way too much of your self.worth and hope for the future on this process working. Maybe take time for you for now? Love and all the best.

@Pippaandme - interested to hear how you made the distance work and how your partner was able to move. Is it the case there are no kids involved and a flexible job so not tied to any one location? If you are in the office let’s say five days a week as I am, I wonder how to even meet someone outside the 40 mile radius if they have kids and/or job tied to another location.

I was talking about my experience. I try to have fun with the process, so if the end goal is not achieved at least it's not a waste of time.
May not be the best approach, considering I haven't found a partner 😜
But my friends who had a similar approach found boyfriends on OLD, which makes me think the problem is me, not the way I do it.

So I work from home and have no children, just a black lab, I have my own house and so did he. I orginally moved up to him but that didnt work out due to the location and other things and he said ok I can move to you as I only work around 45mins to get to my office. His children are older, one being 23 living away with new partner and his son of 16 still lives with his mum near his old house but he still sees him once or twice a week which works out well.

So I would say for the right person anything can happen, our situation was easier probably because of myself and work etc, but even my other friends in the same situation as yourself found someone local or further afield and one moved in with the other with the kids in tow.

So if you want it to work it will, the effort is made on both parts for sure! Its just a case of not giving up and being consistent and I did go on, I hate to say, loads of dates, possibly one or two every few weeks until I found this one. I was on it everyday and I was speed dating too. I never gave up and knew I wanted to settle down I treated it like a job really :) when I asked my friends they were the same, but I too felt and thought hmm right thats it, I want to give up but never did...it will happen one day!!

@Pippaandme - thank you, that’s helpful. It sounds like you need two people with little ties to a location (maybe only one) and either no kids and grown up kids. So far people with kids have been super resistant to any mention of a move so I wouldn’t be surprised if they would only be prepared to entertain the idea if I were to move, which I will never be able to do. So I guess I need to meet someone self employed/working from home and grown up kids or no kids, seems like a needle in a haystack!

The thing with bumble is you have to message first and I find that sets they dynamic up for them not making any effort. In my experience, the only dating app worth using is tinder.

Side note, if it's niy been mentioned. You say you've been on online dating since you left an abusive relationship. That raises two issues: firstly, it's never good to go looking for a new relationship so soon after abuse as it can make you prone to fall into another abusive relationship. The need to be held and loved and - reassured is so palpable that it will attract abusers and...repel emotionally healthy people.

Secondly, online dating is for quick bursts. Never to just sit on for months. That would drive anyone mad. A few weeks on it, 2 or 3 conversations with a few matches and then line up some coffee dates fast. No endless chatting. No weeks to meet up. After 3 or 4 people if none have suited then take a few months off.
Just match, quick convo, meet. Obviously that's trickier if kids are involved but if you can't do it then online dating might not be for you. Its brutal and if you let it drag on it's soul destroying.

Id also take out the bit about looking for a medium to long term relationship. People don't like knowing there's an expiration date before things even start (Or rather, men don't like thinking you control that expiration date).

There are loads on there who would be willing to move and would for anyone they love, my friends partner's kids were young in fact very young and moved away from their kids, but still saw them twice a week or every other weekend, so Im a great believer in its more the right person for you will work out, it did take me a long time to meet this one after my long term ex, I dated inbetween and it was on the 3rd year of dating i met him, had 2 other men inbetween for a year and the other the same just over in 2021 - 2023, but covid played a huge part in 2020 when I was single too and in 2021, so it wasnt until that time was easier there were others dating again and meeting.

So it may have been before if that wasnt in the way I guess too :) My friends were in a year, some a few months others longer, I made sure my profile showed me out doing things, running, dog walking, friends, face and body pictures and all having fun smiley as well as showing I liked adventure and travelling, I believe men like to see happy photos and full size of what your physique is like too.

They are shallow but thats men for you lol not all but they want to feel an attraction online... but as long as you look like you are having fun/happy they are on it!! I changed my face from serious, intense lol well it was a case of I look way too serious to then smiley and more running/skiing photos and that changed a lot of things more natural fun! So I would keep on changing your photos too, its all down to what you put you out there, what you do, how you come across and if you are funny or fun when you converse with them too...best of luck x

I’m similar OP, except out of London where it’s even worse - every time an educated or professional guy appears, they live in London and are only in my distance because they’re visiting! It’s a soul destroying experience. I’ve met a few nice men but I didn’t fancy any of them

Definitely don’t swipe left on people who you think are out of your league though. I’m sure they’re not, and you never know…

I also think it’s glib and patronising for people to tell OP she’s not ready or to focus on herself.

So I agree with the ‘don't assume they’re out of your league’ but I’ll take issue with the ‘glib and patronising’ comment: @Sodthesystem is right that the predators out there will be the absolute best at sniffing out any weakness or vulnerability and exploiting it.

Frankly, if I were to wait for stars to align perfectly - no childcare constraints, lots of free time to look at OLD profiles, meet people, flexibility of location / work from home - it's never going to the right time! The reality for me, and many of us in this situation is that we go in to work 4 or even 5 days a week, we have children we take care of, our weekends are planned around children / family / pets / life admin, we might even travel abroad on work. Does this make us less suitable for a relationship?! Surely not. It's a bit harsh to hear posters opine that I am not "ready" or "need to work on myself" (don't we all?) before I can aspire to find someone to share some parts of my life with. I have separated a number of years ago, divorced over a year ago, and I feel confident in myself as a professional woman and a mother. Perhaps not as a potential partner but then that is a self fulfilling prophesy if I don't find a suitable relationship in any case.

I am categorical that I am not looking for marriage since that would be a great risk for me to take in terms of finances. But equally, not ready for "intimacy without committment".

Yup its awful.

Get a fwb lined uo for the sex. Then casually date as it takes the pressure of tbh my fwb seems to be rather unavailable lately so iv started chatting to someone else meeting them Sunday but again my aim with him is purely sex whilst kids are at there dads and ill enjoy dating til I find someone who meets everything I want.

Guess that as a woman, you’ll always be able to find some guy who wants ‘no strings’ sex. And if you’re the sort of person who can separate sex from emotions, and you’re ADHD so need that itch to be scratched right now - it can work. Not for everyone though

Not snobbish. Ive come off the apps after some disasters...well only tried fb dating. Not snobby at all. If I go back on ill definitely be listing uni as a preference. Shame there isn't an income bracket too! I almost dating a cocklodger!! They must own their own home for me to even have a 1st date now. Men should improve my life not add to stress

Have you tried match or elite singles etc? Im not sure what one to join. Dont fancy bumble because of the whole women initiate.

I've always thought weight should be given on dating profiles as well as height.
Having both does give a good sense of the person that might turn up!

They'd still lie I think. Men usually lie about their height

Anyone could lie about anything in their dating profile, though.

True. Not sure I'd want to add my weight though. Maybe dress size but I weigh heavy even as a size 10

@Oldfailed - appreciate your post was about OLD but would you happen to have opportunities to meet single dads through your kids? Or any other common groups/interests? Peter Phillips and his current fiancée supposedly met at a sporting event attended by their kids. I have actually been chatting to some married friends about anyone single they may know through that network.

@occhiazzurri unfortunately don't see any single dads at either of my children's year groups, bizarrely. A couple of single mums, whose exes are not involved with school (quite similar to my own situation)

I am losing hope that my (mostly married) friends would ever introduce me to interesting single men in their social circle, but all of us seem to know way more single women and barely any men who are also open to a relationship. I don't want to ask work colleagues this since sounds very desperate!

Unfortunately, in this day and age for many people OLD probably is the only realistic way they're going to meet a long term partner.

I really hate it when people say, " it'll happen when you least expect it." I'm pretty certain care homes are full of single people who believed this.

It's different for everyone of course but online dating just did not work for me. I found it difficult to get to the point where there was an actual meeting. Guys would send me something like "Hi" maybe "Hi how are you doing?" and then nothing. I presume they are sending this to several women thinking that the more of these empty short messages they sent the more chance some woman might react. They definitely are afraid to put some effort in it and not get a reaction. But I am old-fashioned and I expected people to actually send me a proper message relating to stuff in my profile. I really paid attention to fill it out well so I found it a bummer to have men not really react to it. Men also want to meet immediately, despite giving very little information in their profile and most of them really are meeting several women at the same time hoping that one will stick. They have no time to lose, and you notice this on a date as well. If there is no chemistry according to them after a couple of minutes most of them will try to end the date quickly.
I found the whole thing frustrating and degrading. I did not feel seen and noticed. On top of it I have been single for a long time, I was never married, I don't have kids and I felt that this made most of the men immediately suspicious as if I must have some major flaw. I am also not much of a flirt, I am a more cerebral type if I don't know someone well so I think most men don't know what to think of me. I am not unattractive and I am confident. I just have to actually know someone better before I can warm up to him so no stereotypical games from me. So I'm probably odd in the eyes of most men.
At some point I thought I was probably better to go on a date than to watch TV but I often came home thinking that watching TV would have been nicer than try to have a conversation with a man who was rude, started to one up me when he heard that I had a nice career, was pushing for physical contact, was cross-examining me about my past relationships, etc...
I have done a couple of activities with clubs for singles and I enjoyed that much more because there is more focus on spending a good time together doing an activity rather than desperately hoping there will be chemistry.
I am 60 now and I can almost not imagine that I will ever be in a relationship again and I don't feel the need as strongly as I used to. I find it hard to imagine any longer that there might be a guy who actually fancies me and that I fancy and that is not a burden but a plus to my life. I wish it would be different but I have been way happier when single than when a relationship. Looking back at my relationships I know that I have loved but I honestly don't think there's been one man that actually loved me.

My experience with speed dating events is that for the older crowd they have trouble finding men and sometimes "hire" men who have a partner or have no intention to find one. I know this because I did a couple of those events and when talking to the guys they kind of told me.
On top of it the organization also contacted me a couple of times asking me if I was interested to participate.
Don't forget this is a business.