Giving up on Online Dating - is it me?

[Oldfailed]

Hello. I've posted here on this topic before. Divorced mother of 2, reasonably okay looking, professional career / decent income, own house in London. Kids are with me much of termtime but dad provides childcare when needed.

Have been on Bumble and Hinge for the past 8 to 9 months since my divorce (I filed- toxic, verbally abusive ex, hasn't worked in years). I wasn't prepared for my OLD experience in the least. Met several people - of course, many who matched didn't bother replying. Outcome - zilch. Except for 2 occasions, I was "rejected" by everyone I met. And those 2 exceptions led nowhere.

I have been clear about relationship goals on my profile - looking for steady dates / mid to long term relationship, not marriage, not ONS. The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least - and I am not trying to brag in any way here. I purposely don't match with very good looking men, knowing I probably won't be in their league! A couple of men dated a few times and then told me they had found someone else.

My confidence has taken a real battering. It's an effort to make time to meet and present myself without baggage and the stress of juggling work and home. I try hard to make decent conversation. I make it clear that, if things progress, it's easier for me to visit them at home rather than the other way around, at least during term time, since my children are mostly with me. I really wonder if this is the deal breaker. If not- it surely is me.

I have nearly stopped going on any dates now to avoid hurting myself further but the prospect of being alone is daunting. I miss having a man in my life, I miss sex, I feel envious of the seemingly happy couple friends I have, because I don't think I'm very different from the women in these couples - surely I deserve better outcomes? What makes me so unlikable? I have even wondered if I should ask these men for feedback - what is it that put them off - but I fear that may show me as very vulnerable (which I probably am).

Any suggestions? No time for group activities at the moment (as was suggested) and in any case these don't filter participants by dating intention. Are there any good singles / speed dating things people can recommend in London targeted at the 40 to 50 age group?

I have a friend who fell out of love with her husband and before she was even divorced she already put her claws in another guy. She presents it as a chance encounter at a party thrown by a friend but I am pretty sure she saw him before with her friend and I would not be surprised if she had set her mind on him for some time.
She presented it at first as a fling but in no time she made sure that her kid schedule nicely was synchronic with his.
She divorced her husband and she is still together with the new guy, already bought a house together with him.
I think she absolutely did not want to be alone. She lived alone for a while while divorcing but started house searching very quickly with the new guy.
I was kind of shocked how fast it all went, especially since she was dragging her kids into all this. Her ex-husband was actually an ok guy and they still get along but the new guy clearly has more societal status and is very rich. I think she is in love with him but it definitely helps that he is a very good catch.
Now whether they really have an authentic relationship I am sure. I think she will go to great lengths to keep him.
It definitely makes me seethe at times how some women manage to always have a man in their life and us singletons can not get a decent date for years...

Interesting observation, however here's the difference with these women against the ones who are single a long time, they go out to get what they want, and they approach those men, they know they want it, so they go out and get it, men love this!
They find it confident, attractive and alluring and sexy too. So if you are more reserved, then perhaps start approaching men, like on Bumble I met my partner on there, hes a great catch, I approached him, he fancied me and off we go, I was single years trying to find the one, now 50, hes 54. Always waitng for the man to approach me, compromising on the ones who were not like my lifestyle or getting me, when one day I thought no I am on this like a job interview!!

Its definitely attractive to men if they know you want them, they even say this. But if they feel you are quietly reserved not making an effort or even not talking to them first, they may also find you arent happy in your own skin or feeling nervous/worried, it does work both ways.

I have single friends and I can see why, one is just not bothered or confident with men after a bad marriage, the other wants to meet someone but puts her job and her travelling first and prefers a casual encounter, not too sure if she wants anyone, she is 51 and loves her life. The other is 60. Both are happy in their own way but attach themselves to their friendship groups and family, I would rather be with someone sharing my time/life with them as well as having the friends and fitness, so I think if you look at yourself and your life, ask yourself what you want, what are you doing and what kind of person do you want?

I wanted someone to share my time with, so I only dated men seriously wanting a relationship and would meet up, not wasting any time on the wishy washy ones. I also went to the gym regularly to meet others, joined a running club and went to singles nights, speed dating and joined 4 dating sites on line I was wanting this but I did approach a lot of men togive me this confidence. This is what made me approach the one I am with now! so I think what your friend did was amazing, she got what she wanted and thats how she is, give it a go, it makes your confidence grow too!

@TheSuperfluousWoman I am going to be super judgemental here and hazard a guess that your friend is drop dead gorgeous, and / or exceptionally charismatic / charming (whether genuinely so or not is immaterial). I feel it's the very attractive women (especially true for those with kids) who manage to find partners first vs others. This is how we are wired. Alpha men with social status / wealth / perceived high value careers, and slim and attractive women rule the world.

I have not bothered with my appearance through my 20s and 30s and actually didnt apply any make up ever, except for perhaps lipstick, occasionally. Now, in my 40s, and "in search of a partner" I see myself giving in to the same behaviors I looked down on - getting my hair done, facials, thinking of fillers now, in general I look more groomed now than in the past 20 years. Still don't use make up because I couldn't be bothered teaching myself to.

I manage a team and I notice that at least in my profession, female leaders seem to be impeccably dressed and coiffured, nails done, while the men get away with much lower standards of smartness and even personal hygiene! I despair, since I had thought we were moving to a gender blind society, but not just yet.

A previous poster mentioned she felt she had a worse time as a single woman, never married, no kids. Believe me, it isn't easy at all for those with kids. My children are viewed as constraints on my time (by people I met for dates) and also limit my ability to have anyone over to my house since they are with me all term time. I feel single women have more degrees of freedom to at least go on dates, compared to me- squeezing in a coffee or drink between work and when my nanny leaves.

Many people on this thread have suggested I should just not bother for a few years at least and revisit it once my children are older. It's not even a conscious choice now, since no man I am interested in is also interested in me, but I even doubt a few years will do anything to remedy this situation. I will be older, and the men in their late 40s / early 50s will find single women in their 30s and 40s willing to date them. I get the feeling I am fast approaching my sell by date l, and although that makes me feel like a commodity, it is probably true in the current social structure.

My friend is attractive yes, and she knows how to wind men around her finger. I would not call her charming because that's something which comes from the heart and it's too manipulative in her case.
I know her for a long time and I like her, but I liked her better when she was with her ex-husband. Because being with a surgeon (yes how cliché!) has definitely gotten to her head. She's definitely an attractive woman but she's flaunting it too much these days, dressing too sexy. When we go out for dinner and she enters the restaurant I sometimes have to blink and want to say: "Woman put some clothes on." Of course everyone watches her and she gets a kick out of it but it's too much.
I also feel it throws a shade on me when I am in her presence. I actually have thought that just for fun I once should myself go over the top with make-up, hair and sexy outfit just to see her face LOL (believe me at 60 I could still pull it off in a stylish non-cheap way but it is so not me) and I also have my pride. I am not exactly a shrinking violet; pretty face, slim, athletic, still no gray hair. I just don't have this need to attract all the looks, I prefer things which are more subtle and delicate.
Now it's clear that my friend is in narcissist mode. She does not love this man, she loves what this relationship conveys about her own value. She was always very positive about her ex-husband but then she turned 40 and her ex-husband had some health problems off she went. Creating turmoil in the life of her kids, this is what bothers me.
The new guy might not be better. It's clear s!x is an important thing in this relationship (she brags about it) but Mr Surgeon is spending a lot of time in the hospital and who knows he might be sh!gging some young nurse...
About men who like women who want them. How can I want a man if I don't know him? I won't pretend I want someone if I don't know what he stands for.
It depends what you are lookin for. A genuine connection where you really know each other and care deeply about each other? All these games are not going to lead to that.
Concerning your own quest my impression is that you are not starting from a place of love. You want the status of being in a relationship but you have little to offer in terms of availability. Imagine a man would present an equivalent offer, would you accept it?
I seems to be more about being able to present yourself as part of a couple than feeling the need to love.
I think a lot of women find it difficult to get their value just out of themselves, without the external validation of a man. Hence also the emphasis on a man's height, job, degree.

Weird that a woman who is more reserved would be considered as not feeling good in her own skin and the one who is almost throwing herself at the feet of a man is considered confident.
I find it often the opposite but many men are too stupid to see this and end up with a woman who turns out to be high maintenance because she needs constant validation.
I was at a drink last week where a woman was making a lot of noise and constantly pulling the conversation towards herself. I know men noticed her, maybe they found it confident, I found her rude.
I am more impressed by people who are kind and leave room for everybody than such elbow users.

Sounds like you are doing everything right. It just takes time to find the right people. Don't compromise too much - it won't work out.

Good luck!

Ive just watched a film about the women who were victims of a Tinder cheat who scammed money from them. I can understand how they came to feel like shit afterwards. He took their money and their trust.

However I dont think there is anything "wrong" with you or with the men you are meeting. Just that you are not "right" for one another. If your date tells you frankly after the first date that he's not feeling it and doesnt want to progress the relationship and you feel the same why do you feel like shit? Its no ones fault that you didnt CLICK (to use an old fashioned expression). It just means it didnt happen and you are both free to continue on your merry way. The answer is to keep it light and casual and not to invest too much of yourself into these meetings.

@TheSuperfluousWomanyou seem too invested in this woman and you hardly sound like you’re friends. Live and let live, I say! Anyway, your posts made me think “women are their own worst enemy”. I see no problem with a woman dressing sexily and for attention (yes, even after 40!). It’s also a bit of a silly assumption that her surgeon boyfriend is “shagging some young nurse”; he chose your hot friend as his partner and it’s clear the relationship is serious, even if you think they’re with each other for shallow reasons. Also I know a few female surgeons and theatre nurses and trust me, they’re not going around shagging their male colleagues - they’re the people least ‘impressed’ with male surgeons. If you can’t be happy for your friend or her behaviour offends you in some way, then spend less time with her - life’s too short to be around people who annoy us.

Honestly this is the elephant in the room in any discussion about dating. Desirable men and women want a partner who is conventionally beautiful (usually hot) and that means things like attractive face, good physique, good teeth etc. On another thread, an OP who was having no luck finding a relationship in her late 30s alluded to being overweight. I dared suggest she lose weight to boost her confidence, get more interest etc and several posters jumped down my throat straight away. The fact is dating in your 30s is extremely competitive and the high status men this OP was interested in and felt she was compatible with (due to her own accomplishments) have the pick of more conventionally attractive women and will likely pick them over an overweight woman, especially on OLD when it is 99% about looks.

I don’t know it’s a weird one, being considered good looking can give you more options for sure but I know a lot of women considered to be unattractive who were settled with guys in their 20s. Some got decent men, some not so decent. A lot of people on social media always comment on how the women in “my 600 pounds life” type shoes always have partners. I haven’t watched it myself so don’t know about the quality of these partners.

And some of my more handsome, smart and kind male friends from uni married a bit later on and in many cases their wife was average by societal beauty standards (which are kinda problematic but that’s another story) same age or slightly older. And in each case they were also a lovely kind sweet person inside so I can totally see why they chose that woman! But they clearly weren’t holding out for a supermodel which I must stress I think is a good thing. They took their time to find a perfect match in other ways.

Then conversely I know a lot of single women now who are 30s and 40s, and I think conventionally by many to be attractive facially and also not one is overweight!

I watch a lot of TikTok dating videos (YouTube shows me all of them!) and it’s fascinating how badly treated a lot of young slim pretty women in their 20s are treated eg, men standing them up or running away without paying at least half of the bill or just general weird rude behaviour on dates.

But yes many women and men are very focused on looks which is sometimes (not always) why certain people tolerate high drama /abusive partners. So yeah in that sense it can give you an advantage. I suspect there is a higher rate of those marriages not working out due to looks fading. But that’s just anecdotal, no studies on that afaik!

also looping back to beauty standards remember that you may be considered in one context and not beautiful in another! Yes some may be considered gorgeous in most situations but for most it depends on cultural influences, the country/city/ era you’re in, how different you look to the norm( may be a good or bad thing) and of course personal tastes
which are shaped by many things.

There’s a concept I hear discussed that some people are never single because they will tolerate more/have less standards. And I think it rings true for a lot of people.

My friend left her abusive partner, the father of her child then within a year was in a serious relationship with another man. She is still with him a decade later but id never have been interested in either of those guys.

The second/current one isn’t violent so he was an improvement but he’s lazy, had 5 kids to 3 different women by the time he met and smokes weeds for hours daily.

Any woman can find a man but it’s about being with a man who treats them well enough to their standards .

Some people may look like they’re having an enviable romance then you find out it’s a horror show behind closed doors. My friend who was never single had a revolving door of men. If you watched her on social media you’d think she was having a string of happy relationships in her 20s/30s but in reality one man was a heavy drug users, one a drug dealer, two violent and then the last one a sex offender. I ended the 10 year friendship when the last one happened as I felt unsafe around her by that point due to her horrible choices.

All the single women I know were no less slim or pretty than her but have very high standards and wouldn’t have tolerated anyone a fraction as bad as either of those men.

There is a difference between being confident and being an attention whore. There is a difference between dressing to look good and dressing for attention. There's also a difference between being dressed and being undressed LOL. In my friend's case it's often the latter. You can be sexy but stylish. She's just showing flesh. It's pathetic when you are still doing that when you are in your forties. I have known my friend for over 20 years so I am not going to break up with her over this. Our friendship has lasted a lot longer than her current relationship. But I consider her current behavior to be unhealthy, especially because she puts this guy above her own kids. That's not good.
This is not about not being happy for her. This is about me having the impression that she is not authentic in this relationship.
There is a change in style and demeanor which is odd.
And I loathe the constant bragging about the boyfriend being so great, giving so many gifts, taking her on so many trips, being such a good cook. I can't mention that I have baked a cake or she'll tell me that boyfriend has also baked one.
I am supposed to feel like this is someone who feels secure about her relationship? The constant bragging is also insensitive. I have been single for quite some time and she knows that I wish that this would be different. Why does she keep rubbing it in like that? No I am not jealous. I don't want her boyfriend nor her life. I like my life, I really do. I just wish it would not feel like she tries to prove something to me, or try to one-up me all the time, it's irritating as hell.
It's not just about the boyfriend. It's about the grades of her daughters in school. She seems to constantly tell me how perfect her life is. She had a bit of a tendency to do this before - she was also saying often how great her ex-husband was, until he no longer was - but not at the level it's now.
A long time ago someone once told me: "If you talk a lot about your stuff, it's because you are fed up with it." I think there is some truth in that.

It's true that we don't know how a relationship really is behind closed doors.
I think many women sell themselves short just to be in a relationship.

Definitely and society has historically encouraged it. “Don’t be so picky or you’ll end up single cat ladies.”

And usually the pickiness is just a woman looking for a loving man with good emotional intelligence, a career and doesn’t drink excessively that will pitch in 50/50 with childcare and other domestic duties( assuming they’re both working)

Except now a lot of Gen Z and even millennials women are replying to that “warning” by saying “hey don’t threaten us with a good time”.

The fact is they’d rather be single “cat ladies” than deal with the mediocre or even terrible men that you read a lot about on here.

Especially when they can see the alternative will be them inevitably becoming single parents or struggling alone even when their partner is in the home. I am glad women are waking up.

Yeah this is absolutely nothing to aspire to or envy. I just feel sorry for her family. Putting the man before her kids is disgusting. And if he knows she’s doing this that makes him complicit. How do they feel about having to live with a new man so soon after their parents split up?

Personally I don’t care how people dress at any age, but the treatment of her children would infuriate me. I don’t think I can even be friends with a person like that.

Well it’s pretty clear how this woman always has a man in her life if she’s willing to prioritise them over her own children.

And it’s fine to occasionally talk to your friends about romantic things your man has done, but forcing a mention of how wonderful a relatively new partner is into every interaction is usually a sign that all is not well.

I have also given up on OLD but I am a lesbian so wanted to come here and assure you that this is not just about the men.

I work full time in a demanding job for which I often have to travel, and have a young child. I would like a relationship - not some intense love-bombing thing but a relationship between 2 people who each have their own lives but would like to share them with someone special. OLD takes a lot of time just in the searching and initial chat phase. Then you go on a date and 9 times out of 10 they’re not for you or vice versa. On the few occasions I’ve met someone and there’s been mutual interest, they have then turned out to be super-intense, or in fact married to someone else.

It’s exhausting and I’ve given up on it. It felt like another chore. Unfortunately I’ve no idea how I’ll meet any interesting single lesbians my age without it, but the cost/benefit ratio wasn’t enough for me to keep at it.

I had a similar wobble and took a break, which weirdly helped me reset my head. I also stopped treating dating as a numbers game and tried a couple of different spaces; one was 包養網, which I used out of curiosity, and it reminded me that matching styles vary a lot between platforms. Sometimes it’s just about finding a spot where people want the same kind of connection you do.