Giving up on Online Dating - is it me?

[Oldfailed]

Hello. I've posted here on this topic before. Divorced mother of 2, reasonably okay looking, professional career / decent income, own house in London. Kids are with me much of termtime but dad provides childcare when needed.

Have been on Bumble and Hinge for the past 8 to 9 months since my divorce (I filed- toxic, verbally abusive ex, hasn't worked in years). I wasn't prepared for my OLD experience in the least. Met several people - of course, many who matched didn't bother replying. Outcome - zilch. Except for 2 occasions, I was "rejected" by everyone I met. And those 2 exceptions led nowhere.

I have been clear about relationship goals on my profile - looking for steady dates / mid to long term relationship, not marriage, not ONS. The people I meet seem to me to be not in my league - in terms of career, education, conversation at least - and I am not trying to brag in any way here. I purposely don't match with very good looking men, knowing I probably won't be in their league! A couple of men dated a few times and then told me they had found someone else.

My confidence has taken a real battering. It's an effort to make time to meet and present myself without baggage and the stress of juggling work and home. I try hard to make decent conversation. I make it clear that, if things progress, it's easier for me to visit them at home rather than the other way around, at least during term time, since my children are mostly with me. I really wonder if this is the deal breaker. If not- it surely is me.

I have nearly stopped going on any dates now to avoid hurting myself further but the prospect of being alone is daunting. I miss having a man in my life, I miss sex, I feel envious of the seemingly happy couple friends I have, because I don't think I'm very different from the women in these couples - surely I deserve better outcomes? What makes me so unlikable? I have even wondered if I should ask these men for feedback - what is it that put them off - but I fear that may show me as very vulnerable (which I probably am).

Any suggestions? No time for group activities at the moment (as was suggested) and in any case these don't filter participants by dating intention. Are there any good singles / speed dating things people can recommend in London targeted at the 40 to 50 age group?

@Crushed23 very interesting and thanks for sharing. A friend of mine (married, not on OLD) was mentioning something similar to me over dinner this weekend - how women in professional jobs are finding better traction with men in blue collared jobs. Something for me to think about, and challenge my own judgements and pre disposition! I have so far found most of the banker/ lawyer / doctor type men who matched with me on OLD quite egotistical and toxic.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be men in blue collared jobs (DP is actually an engineer in the sense of a technical, graduate job in engineering), just men who fall outside the main professions, like men in creative jobs or academics. I just got sick of the same type of relationship with men in a similar profession to me, and found there was always an undertone of competition in the relationship. This will sound absurd, but ex-DP barely spoke a word to me when we went for drinks to ‘celebrate’ my bonus one year. Even though we were co-habiting and on track to build a life together, he was pissed off that I made more money. I hated that. It’s so refreshing to be in a relationship with a man who genuinely supports me, not just pretends he does.

I am quitting the dating apps. After 8 years I haven't truly felt a connection with anyone. And ive encountered a number of liars/married men which has completely put me off using them.

OP are you sure you want a relationship right now? Could a friend's with benefits situation suit you better instead?

Online dating is tough but there are things you can do to help improve your chances.
Go through your profile and make sure you have excellent photos that showcase your beauty, style, and personality. Have at least one body photo.

Make sure your bio and prompts reveal the best aspects of your personality and LOOK FOR THIS in the profiles of the men you're viewing. Any boring/cliched/odd-looking profiles, immediately swipe left. Keep an eye out for profiles of men who are attractive and interesting.

When you match, obviously ask questions and arrange to meet sooner rather than later. A low pressure drink, coffee or walk is fine. If meeting in person is tricky due to your schedule, have a phone call first. This should help give you an idea of whether you click before meeting.

Good luck and I hope you meet someone. I had zero luck but I know lots of people who met their partners online, so it is definitely possible. Just don't expect it to happen overnight, you will likely have to kiss a few frogs first!

I think that's because there are so many people on there. It's tempting to think there must be somebody perfect for me when there are so many choices.

When people met in real life there were fewer choices so many people would give a less than perfect person a try and might be pleasantly surprised.

Is it a good idea to seek out widowers?
Maybe they'll have a good set of relationship skills ready and waiting.

I remember my Granny saying (in her normal cheery Scots way): ‘Never marry a widow, unless her first man was hanged!’

@FenderStrat the classic paradox of choice. It usually works against me to be honest. The men I seek- in similar professions/ with similar education to me - all reject me fairly quickly for the next younger / thinner/ more unattached woman.

I did meet a widower but didn't have any chemistry and he also had constraints similar to mine around childcare which made scheduling dates very difficult. Not many of those around.

@FeistyFrankie If only I had more time to invest in organic ways to find potential partners eg walking clubs, pub quizzes etc.
I'm happy to consider FWBs / situationships, but haven't even had those options. However, i don't want to tick the 'intimacy without committment' box because that isn't what I am looking for. Is there another option I have missed seeing on Bumble for 'open to FWB'?

@Oldfailed I’m the same in that there’s no way I’m ticking the ‘intimacy without commitment’ box (and actually it’s an auto left swipe from me for anyone who does). So however much we’re missing the physical side of a relationship, unemotional sex without any other feelings is a no. But FWB? I guess the difference is that now we’re talking about someone we like, get on with. Happy to spend time with. I think you need to be a different sort of person to me, to be able to be FWB and still feel emotionally unattached, not feel jealousy if they’re sleeping with someone else, be happy to mix sex with them and emotions with someone else. I know I couldn’t do it without getting hurt- or hurting. If you’re the same, ie might struggle to separate the emotional and physical sides, I’d be wary of going down this route.

In my experience FWB are just as difficult to find as proper partners. Most men who say they want FWB just want booty calls at their own convenience but are frustratingly elusive otherwise.

I think you could do with decentering men a bit. Don’t tie your self worth to having a partner or dates.

The reality is online dating isn’t going to instantly match you up with a perfect compatible person, and you’ve been at it less than a year. The majority of dates and conversations aren’t going to go anywhere and that’s just the reality of it.

A lot of the men using dating apps have no intention of a relationship in the first place, it’s about sex, ego boost validation. They are also awash with avoidants. This is why I made the decentering comment, because this community of men should not be affecting your self worth.

@ForTipsyFinch you are spot on that most men on dating apps don't seem to want a relationship. I was coordinating on whatsapp to meet someone who said he was a psychiatrist who happened to work in a hospital near me. He suggested a date and place which i unfortunately couldnt make. I suggested a few options for when we could meet (the first being the day after the one he had suggested) and he responded - "you dont sound keen to meet. The reason I had suggested (the initial place) was in case you wanted to come back to my place which was nearby after meeting me."

Wtaf. I must have been unreasonable to expect some sort of maturity from a psychiatrist. His profile mentioned he was looking for a LT relationship. How did he think I might go back to his house to sleep with him after a first date? And why get so annoyed if I can't make the first day he suggested?

But all the ones I respond to on Bumble seem to be seriously flawed. And the pickings on Hinge are even slimmer.

Makes me give up my will to live. I wonder if I should try my luck at a speed dating event in the City, but it takes courage to go and I don't have other single friends to go with. It might turn out to be even worse for my currently fragile ego.

Watching. Considering OLD … it seems changing or lowering expectations is a good way to start.

Filtering and checking like crazy is a good idea. Being ready to walk away is essential. You will find people who are avoidant, damaged, straight deceitful, not ready for a new relationship or not looking for a real one. But….not all. It can just get depressing sometimes!

Yes this is all too common. But it isn’t you, it’s the type of men on there. I experienced similar over and over again when I was on there.

Are there any singles fb groups in your area? I’m in a few and whilst I don’t use it for dating it’s a good way to connect with other single women and boost your network.

NEVER lower expectations.

Also check out burned haystack dating method.

I had success using OLD (well thats how I view it). I too have children and not a great deal of free time, I work and have my own home - definitely not a successful career though!

You sound great but I don’t think you have given it enough time. A lot of men swipe right for everyone, and then decide when someone bites if they want to message, so that would explain the no replies to matches - and some rejection after dates is normal.
I would definitely work on your confidence by telling yourself daily you’re worthy of love and love will come to you. You absolutely deserve it as much as anyone else and it will happen - just get out there and keep going.

Have fun with it. I love meeting new people so I took every date as a new opportunity to get to know someone whatever the outcome. There’s so many fun places to meet in London - just use it as an opportunity to go out somewhere and have a good time. I also only swiped right for men with a good job, educated and can communicate well when we messaged. I’m 2 years in now with someone and all is well.

I didn’t have any bad dates when doing OLD
I think I was just happy to be out, having fun and if they didn’t like me, I wasn’t going to take it personally.

This.

@Oldfailed - kindly you are being awfully snobbish about the qualities you are looking for in a man. A man's job/profession is just one small element of him. Just because a man has a 'big job' or a University degree doesn't mean he won't be awful, dull and uninteresting. You are limiting an already small pool of potential matches.

My DH (together since our early 20s) doesn't have a big job (currently unemployed due to an accident at work, he is recouperating) or a University degree, yet he is the most intelligent man I have ever met, and I'm a lawyer, with a brilliant sense of humour, who can talk to anyone about anything.

The burned haystack approach works well for people who are very snobbish and for people who want to place too much faith into a particular system.

You can go to speed dating events on your own. From my experience it typically gets awkward because one may find a match, the other doesn't, the one who doesn't typically wants to leave forcing the other to ditch the match.
Or you may find a match, your friend disapproves etc.

@Cavello not being snobbish imo. Many of the profiles I am shown on Bumble are heavily tattooed plumbers / web designers / or very sporty gym bods. Many don't state they have a university education. I need to have some sort of bandwidth / interest match with someone I have a relationship with since not looking for an ONS. I use education / work as a proxy to filter. Surely that is my prerogative. Don't think it is "snobbish" in the way you have branded me.

I agree with you.
I filter by university education and smoking status.
Shoot me!

Anyone, man or women, can filter on any criteria they like.

Just that if you're dating in your 50s the pool of decent men is pretty small. Sometimes ruling men in rather than out might help.

Just out of interest, and sorry if I've missed it, what do you do for a living OP?

Yup this, good people experience relationship breakdowns but generally I think the pool is going to be smaller.

I think you should maybe widen your criteria too a bit. DH doesn’t have a degree but nets six figures in a professional job, is intelligent, capable and self sufficient. I get why you want someone with a degree etc but unless you are planning to make them sit for an accounting exam I don’t see why it’s a dealbreaker tbh. Someone can still be heavily engaged with current affairs, fascinating to talk to etc without a degree.

I don't think my criteria are as narrow as they are being interpreted to be on this thread. In fact, I now increasingly filter out the self proclaimed high flying bankers / lawyers (many of them come across as being quite full of themselves on their profile anyway) since havent had a great experience with this profile type so far. I have matched with and spoken to / met doctors, accountants, teachers - normal professions. Given the time I have I can't meet people indiscrimantely. I do prefer matching with people who are divorced and have children since I feel they may be able to relate more to my situation.

I work in a strategy role in finance services.

This. It’s a small pool, sure. And IMO finding reasons to not filter out, is unlikely to get good results: Sure, we all apply arbitrary filters (I certainly do) but it’s not worth wasting time where you know your odds are going to be even slimmer. And although I’m (inevitably?) biased - the view that single men over 50 are all dross while the women are not - isn’t completely realistic!