Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

He didn't quit his job. He told you that to tee up his 'breakdown'.
He'll have told those who handle calls where he works to tell anyone who asks for him that he doesn't work there anymore, especially if you told them you're his wife when you spoke to them.
I know because when I fled an abusive relationship I asked the receptionists to tell any man who called that I had left. If a woman called the wonderful receptions took a message ' to pass on to someone who could help'.
His parents knew no matter what they told you.
Kick him back.

What a shame you hadn't moved on with another guy!!!

Yep. Divorce him. What an absolute arsehole. I wouldn’t be able to muster up a single ounce of sympathy for any “mental health problems”. It’s no excuse when you have young children.

@throwawaymum2024 sorry to say but I think you will discover at some point there has been someone else. Seen this exact situation play out a few times in real life and sure you will find many similar stories online too. People often confuse an affair with someone having a breakdown and sometimes they go hand in hand due to the stress of living a double life. If he’s rocked up looking well, lying about his phone, not being open about where he’s been, then it certainly sounds like hes tested the water elsewhere, it’s not worked out and he’s come back. What’s that expression, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission? Sounds like that’s exactly what he’s done.

Whatever the reason him walking out on his kids, with no contact, would be absolutely unforgivable to me. The only discussion I would be up for is how to re introduce him to being a parent again.

Oh hell no. How could he do that to three children?
Sounds like OW has got rid. Unbelievable, you poor thing, it must have been awful.

So presuming he worked his notice, he’d been planning it for some time.

get a list of questions you want to ask OP. Otherwise, I think you need to say bye bye for good

He's lying to her and being evasive now, even as he tries to get her to let him live with her again. There is little point in her talking to him.

It doesn't matter if the cause of him leaving was poor mental health, OP should not put herself at risk like that. He will need to get himself to a position where he can treat her fairly before she should even think about meeting him half way. She's already done enough to support any mental health crisis by picking up all the pieces for the last 5 months.

Dh went missing during a psychotic episode years ago when ds was almost 3, but only for 5 days. It was pretty horrific. Can't even imagine 6 months.

If he really did have a breakdown, then leaving a note would probably have been beyond him. But I agree that just walking back in and picking up where he left off is unrealistic. He needs to see a doctor if he was so ill he did this.

With hindsight our relationship was never the same again after that (he's died). I hope you can see your own doctor because it's a horrible experience. Do what works for you.

@throwawaymum2024 I would bet that his phone would make interesting reading!!!

@throwawaymum2024
Thanks for the update OP, think you have handled it well so far re: his return.
Can I ask if he left with his car, or did you share a car? I was thinking if he took his car maybe it helped the police to find him. Also his bank account activity, did you have a joint account?

He has not asked for forgiveness. He is still lying.

So sorry @throwawaymum2024

No fucking way would I forgive this. I would have divorce papers ready for him when you meet up personally. How could he do that to his children?! Selfish arsehole.

yeah his mum knows now. I told her soon as he showed up. she was shocked but also kind of calm, think she’s just relieved he’s not dead. she hasn’t got anything more out of him than I have though. he’s been just as vague with her. she was helping me a bit with the DC when she could but she’s not local and she was struggling too not knowing anything.

I don’t know about his passport – didn’t even think to check. he did take his car but then I reported it missing with him so not sure if it was ever picked up. haven’t seen it since.

as for money, no idea. he’s always been cagey with finances but I’ve not seen any bank stuff from him since he left and no joint accounts. I had to get UC and just managed. he didn’t send a single penny.

you’re all right tho. it’s the vagueness that’s the real red flag. sofa surfing where? with who? he won’t say. even if it was another woman I could deal with that more than just being lied to constantly. I said to him if we talk I need the full truth. not bits. not riddles. just say it. otherwise there’s no point.

the timing is sus too. leaving right after new year? why then? I’ve heard of that happening before with affairs and tbh it fits more than anything else.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust him again now. and yeah if he could do it once what’s stopping him doing it again next time life gets hard. just feel so stupid for not seeing it coming.

thanks again to everyone replying, feels like you’re helping me hold my head straight right now x

This does sound like an OW situation. She probably doesn't know a thing about you or your kids. Maybe she's expecting marriage, but being married already he obviously can't continue. So he's just gonna hop back into his old life now the fun's over.

And he's likely planning on doing exactly what he's done to you, to her. Once he's convinced you to let him back in, he'll just pack a bag and disappear and she'll have no idea what happened to him. Months of anguish, calling his work, calling his friends & family, calling the police.

Either way, whatever his reasons are for just disappearing, he's been an absolute pig. I mean, to not even acknowledge the trauma hes put you and the kids through, with no apology! Unforgivable

Divorce him

If you give this guy a second chance, you'll be forever on eggshells, waiting for him to perform his fucking Houdini act again. It's no way to live. Don't let this worm weadle his way back in OP.

And his wife and mum.

If it genuinely was a MH crisis, he needs to give a full and frank explanation of exactly where he has been and what he was doing, and what exactly this illness was that prevented him from contacting his family to at least let them know he was alive. As well as what he has done to get himself better, and what he will do to prevent future reoccurrence. Has he seen a psychiatrist? Therapist? Medication?

People often confuse an affair with someone having a breakdown and sometimes they go hand in hand due to the stress of living a double life.

Also this. I used to be a family therapist. People who embark on affairs often radically underestimate the psychological toll of keeping it going in the long term - maintaining all the lies and cover stories, deleting texts and calls, managing competing demands. I'd be very surprised if an affair wasn't involved here.

I’m totally raging for you. How dare he waltz back and expect to move back in with you. Does he think you’re a doll to be picked up when he chooses. Then lying to your face about having a phone. He thinks you’re a total mug.
Prove him wrong by never letting this loser back into your life except to see his children (when it’s safe to do so - somewhere away from you) and pay CMS.

I bet he's just done the Houdini act on the OW when he's come back home.

Nah, I think the POS is testing the OP first, which is why he's being so bloody vague about absolutely everything.

If he knows OP isn't going to let him back in, he'll continue with the OW until he finds something/someone else to move onto.

From all of the OPs posts, it's building a picture of an extremely shady, devious liar who plans, calculates and manipulates. He won't disappear on the OW until he's certain he's got his feet back under the OPs table.

This is a man who when the going gets the slightest bit tough, he runs away and probably to another woman. This is his character. He's been off enjoying himself, the person has dumped him, so now you're his next sofa until he decides to leave again.

This is not a man you can ever count on for anything. He is lying to your face and obviously has no remorse or regret for what his abandonment without a word did to you and your children. He will never support you, you are an appliance to him there to make his life easier.

What you have is not a marriage in any sense of the word except legal. May as well cut that legal tie too.

I would have already divorced the motherfucker myself. Please get your kids to therapy.

A tan, new clothes and a fuller face certainly does not indicate a full blown mental health breakdown - in any event when sectioned the next of kin is always notified. Always. This all points to a man that has met another woman, didn’t have the balls to tell you at the time and has fled, it was the easiest thing for him

Such a heartless, callous, cruel man that allowed his children to live in fear that he had died or come to harm for SIX months - a life time to most young children, and to cry themselves to sleep night after night just for him to stride back into
their lives without a word is beyond me.

The new clothes and healthy look is supposed to smooth the way back in. I wonder if his parents were eventually told op? Offered him a loan or some money? Whilst he got on his feet, someone has most definitely helped him facilitate all of this from the sidelines.

I am horrified on your behalf.
You don’t know this man, you never did. He must feel like a stranger.

The children would be told, and would see him for their benefit, so they can see he is alive and well, but after that extremely limited contact so that they aren’t hurt again. He can not be trusted.

My ex used to do this

We broke up when he ran off with my best friend and he had contact with our baby

He would see him every few days for a few months,drop him back,walk off and we wouldn't see him for a year or so

He would then knock on the door to see ds acting like he'd seen him the week before

We had to move away in the end as it was confusing for ds and not fair to him (I figured he could take me to vourt but he never did)

Apparently he went to see his mum about 10 years ago,waved bye,walked off and hasn't been seen since

The police can't find him and nobody seems to have seen him,even though thr family have appealed on sm and in the newspapers

He won't be dead-he'll be living under the radar and he'll move on every few weeks

He's a psychopath who doesn't give a fuck

Same as your husband-hes thinking of himself and himself only

There will have been other woman and for whatever reason its now over and he thinks you'll welcome him back as you've been so worried about him and it'll all pick up like it was before

Please dont-as soon as he can,he'll be off again when something 'better' comes along

Could he have won so m e money on the lottery and been living of that (and now run out?).

I agree with other posters. He has been with somebody else who has chucked him, now he’s trying to crawl back.

From what you've said he seems to be downplaying it and not in the least bit sorry. If I was him I would have been unbelievably apologetic, extremely understanding and said I know what I've done to you and the kids, I was wrong and I'll do anything to make it up to you, however long it takes.

Anything less is taking the piss and taking you for a fool who'll take him back without questions and answers.

You've done the hardest bit over the last 5 months. Now you know you can do it without him serve him divorce papers.