Husband left at New Years and just turned up like nothing happened

[throwawaymum2024]

Honestly not even sure where to start. DH left just after NYE, literally 2nd Jan, no note no message no nothing. Just packed a bag and vanished. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts, blocked on everything. No one from his side heard from him either, not even his mum (who’s beside herself). Police said he was fine, ‘left voluntarily’ or whatever so not much they could do.

I’ve been solo parenting 3DC since then, barely holding it together, assumed he’d either done a runner or something awful had happened but he was alive at least so no answers.

Anyway. He just turned up yesterday. Knocked on the door like he’d just nipped to the shops. Said he’d been ‘sorting himself out’ and ‘couldn’t cope’ and that he’s ready to come home now. No apology, no proper explanation, just… like nothing happened.

DC (7, 5 and 2) were confused obviously. Eldest cried all night. I’m angry and numb and tired and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with this. I feel like I’ve spent 6 months mourning and now he’s back like a ghost.

I haven’t let him stay but he’s saying he wants to talk. I don’t know if I even want to hear it. Just needed to get it out somewhere. Anyone been through similar?? I feel totally lost.

Wow @throwawaymum2024 your head must be so messed up 😧

I suppose the real reason doesn't really matter (my money is on OW) but it's how he went about leaving, and how he has gone about returning. You would never be able to trust him again, and good relationships are built on trust.

Sounds like OW + a holiday + perhaps he won a bit of money and spent it on her doing what he wanted to.

Fucker.

I wouldn't be having him back. Whatever he was doing hasn't worked out or he's run out of money/options, and just expected you to have him back.

Not fair to your or your kids to think this is acceptable behaviour. He can pay child support and formalise visitation if he wants to see his children. Supervised, if possible, as you're afraid he'll do another runner.

Absolutely unforgivable thing to do. And now it’s like he doesn’t have the slightest concept of what he actually put you and the kids through, or how hard it must have been for you to carry on and look after them and keep going.

What an absolute wanker. I’m so angry on your behalf.

It could be a MH issue, in which case you both have my sympathies and I hope you can work things out for the good of all involved (mainly the children)

But he could just as easily have taken up with another woman, who has subsequently thrown him out.

i would try and find out the true situation before deciding on a way forward. The fact he didn’t even communicate with his mother suggests the MH thing; were you in contact with her the last five months? Has she been helping out with her grandchildren?

I’d use this as your fresh start op, for you and your children.

You know where he is now. You’ve seen him. Now you can take control.

You tell him that he made his choice. That there’s no coming back from that decision and that he’s shown you that neither you or the children, actually need him. He can have a relationship with his kids if he is consistent, but otherwise he’s better off crawling back to the ow, whom it’s very obvious he left you for.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this.

Yup, he’s been with OW, she’s ended it. I’d bet my house.

I wouldn't even talk to the fucker.
You could email him with a list of questions which he has to answer in full. Names, places, dates, finances etc. You can then say you'll be back in touch in your own good time if you are satisfied with his answers. Keep him hanging on wondering if you'll ever get in touch. Definitely keep him away from your poor kids, what an awful thing to happen to them, and you of course.

If there really was a genuine reason to do this (breakdown etc) why all the continued vagueness now why can't he tell where he's been and who he stayed with and who he is with now? I think you would find it very difficult to ever trust him again and would be worried every time he left the house. Certainly without a completely frank and detailed explanation about where he's been for the last six month, he shouldn't think you'd even entertain giving them the time of day.

I know its the school holidays now but he should've tried to contact you when he knew you'd be on your own instead of causing yet more upset for your children

@throwawaymum2024
You have no idea what he wants.
But, this may be your only opportunity for answers and get things sorted legally.
Please see a solicitor immediately to get papers prepared. You need to protect yourself and your children financially and sort custody.

Be prepared he may disappear again. You now know what he's capable of and he cannot be trusted. Act fast. Take everything he says with a grain of salt. Try and stay calm - at least until you have what you need.
Good luck.

@throwawaymum2024 no no no!!! he buggered off and left you to deal with everything on your own so he can stay buggered off! too late now!!

@throwawaymum2024 massive squishes. So you’ve dealt with the ‘ambiguous loss’ of losing someone without knowing the details for yourself and children. The financial and household issues. His family and friends. Police. Everything. And he thinks he’ll be welcomed back with open arms. Nahhh

even if you accepted his story, believed it all.. I wouldn’t have him back in the family home for a good 12 months. The kids need time to see that he’s back. That it’s safe to love him etc again.

id get help from missing persons charitable something - some advice on how to take next steps to protect the children emotionally.

id meet and have a list of questions written down so you don’t get distracted with it. You could even record it so you can refer back to it later without all the emotion.

good luck and massive squishes

I'm shocked that everyone is very quick to judge this man. To me, the obvious answer is that he's had some sort if mental crisis, so doesn't he deserve some compassion? At the very least, he and the OP need to make time to talk. They may not be able to fix their marriage, but it would be wrong to just dismiss him without listening to him.

If he's wanting 'back in' to the marriage. Well first would you even want to.. who could trust someone that did that. But secondly I'd want his phone, his banking records, everything. I'd take zero from what he says on faith

'Didn't want to bring you down' indeed. Noone is stupid enough to think they can do a reggie perrin and everyone just gets on happily with their lives

I agree with this.

Prison, holiday, then home.
OW, holiday, fall out then home
Stole from employer, prison, holiday, home.

If he's plumped up he's been eating well.

If he's on parole he may have given his home address so you've put a kink in his plan.

He lies about not having a phone.!!

@throwawaymum2024 is wise to keep him well away from the children. What a selfish bastard.

It's either a woman/prison, the bare faces cheek of him. Turning up, and expecting to pick up where he left off. He's not even being truthful.

I'd ask the police for a Sarah's law (sex offender) and Claires Law (violence) disclosure. Just in case he has been in prison. The "safe and well" is what they say when someone is in prison.

Hopefully it's nothing sinister, but it's not looking great. If he'd left for another woman, he's more likely to have made contact with the kids.

A mental crisis lasting months, with complete radio silence, not so much as a text checking on his three small children, plus he's being deliberately vague about who he's been staying with and how he's been supporting himself? Doubtful..

Personally I wouldn’t be able to trust a word he said again so I wouldn’t be meeting up to talk, put it all through solicitors how much he’s going to pay towards his children’s costs and he can see them if supervised by someone you trust.

A man left his wife and children with no warning. Didn’t let them know he was safe. Actively sought to keep his whereabouts secret from them and turned up 6 months later, with a bit of weight gain, a tan, new clothes and a bad attitude, irritated because he wasn’t invited into the home with open arms. Oh, and he’s already hiding his phone.

That doesn’t sound like a MH crisis to me. That sounds planned. Leave for an OW. Don’t let anyone know. Live the highlife for as long as possible, ensuring your family lives a nightmare of worry… then if it all fails, they’ll just be so grateful you’re back that they won’t question you.

The betrayal when he left and the secretiveness now are both reasons to not do anything other than sort out your break up more formally.

He hasn't even given you a way to contact him despite turning up and asking to come back. I do wonder if there's some mental health stuff going on because It's utterly astounding that he might think his approach was in anyway reasonable. But MH doesn't mean you should respond differently. You still have every reason to distrust and dislike him.

I'm not sure what the point of talking to him is if he's lying to you about having a phone. Whatever he says you won't be able to trust, so from a closure point of view it may well be more frustrating/upsetting than the current situation. And can anything he says really make a difference at this stage?

I would go to see a solicitor about divorce. At least find out where you stand and what steps you need to take. And put in a CMS claim, you have nothing to lose.

Decide what you're prepared to put up with for you and the kids in terms of contact. Perhaps start with a short, regular time with you there (or a friend/relative if you can't face it) with him having to be consistent to build up to more. Have this ready to hand to him if he turns up/contacts you again. If you want to limit his ability to contact you at his discretion, maybe get one of those co-parenting apps and tell him that's the only way you'll communicate.

Naw. The grass was greener or OW has chucked him/was never that into him. Don't forget they normally have an OW as a safety net......

If he has had a breakdown he has no reason not to give his wife a full account of what had happened and where he has been. To talk about how he is now, what treatment etc.

And to tell the truth.

He is doing none of these things.

OK, maybe he has been in a mental health facility.

If he is ready to come home he needs to be open and truthful with his family. Otherwise how can they support him? He is setting them up to fail.

And if he is recovered, but refusing to talk truthfully and openly then he is being very very selfish.

If he is unable to talk, then he is not recovered.

And needs to be frank about that.

What kind of risk would the OP be taking with the ‘be compassionate’ approach without full disclosure? Put her children through his disappearing act again? Bring a highly medicated mental health patient into her home without knowledge / facts?

The OP has been through hell herself.

You’ve managed to cope for the last 6 months on your own and you do not need him now that he’s graced you with his presence. I’d say if he wants any form of relationship with you (and advise against anything romantic) then he needs to sit down and talk you piece by piece through everything and leave nothing unsaid.

"My first thought was that he'd been to prison!"

Or sectioned under the Mental Health Act and put in a Secure Unit - but then I would have thought someone would have let you know.

No fucking way should you let him back... you've made it this far. Tell him you want a divorce and dont let him mess around with yours and your childrens lives. He made his bed!!